The Blogfathers

I thought I would share a few questions and comments I’ve received throughout my 15 years in U.S. It’s hilarious and at the same time frightening stuff. Think of it as an unofficial survey of the U.S. education system. Lets try to give our children a little better education than this.

Keep in mind that my birth country of Sweden is small and it can not be expected that people know much about it. The country stands for nice things but is probably quite insignificant compared to larger places. Swedish things you might have heard of are Bjorn Borg, Volvo, Saab, Ericsson, Electrolux, ABBA, Roxette, Absolut Vodka, Nobel Prize, Swedish Meatballs, and Ikea.

All comments have been made by people who have attended at least two years of university although most had a university degree (yes I asked) and are from the 35 or so states I’ve visited. Enjoy!

“Is Sweden part of Soviet Union?”

Definitely not.

“So, you’re going home to your family during Christmas?”

“Yes, my family still live in Sweden”

“That’s really far away, how long does the trip take?”

“About 20 hours”

“Ohh, that’s long. You’re driving, right?”

I don’t know what to say. Driving from U.S. to Sweden is difficult. Not only is it very far but it’s also lots of water in the way.

“Do you have houses in Sweden or do you live in tents?”

Sweden has one of the highest living standards in the world although many do enjoy camping and sleeping in tents.

“Is Europe a big city?”

Europe is not a city, it’s a continent consisting of many different countries (48 I think). If it was a city it would be VERY LARGE.

“How come you’re not breastfeeding your baby?  Breastfeeding is great for the baby, you have no money, and formula is very expensive.”

 ”It’s about status.  Formula is expensive so people believe I have pleny of money when I don’t breastfeed.”

Nice idea.  Good luck to you and your baby.

“You brought your car seats with you on the trip?”

“Yes, I like my kids to be safe in the car. In Sweden it’s extremely unusual to see a child in a car without a car seat”

“Hmm, sounds kind of stupid. You must have very bad drivers”

No comment.

“Isn’t it dangerous to walk on the streets of Sweden?”

“Ehh, no. Why?”

“Aren’t there polar bears everywhere?”

Winters can be cold but we have no polar bears

“Are all women in Sweden blond?”

We have many beautiful blond women but the population is mixed like any other country.

“I heard breastfeeding can give you cancer“

People who breastfeed can also get cancer although not because of the breastfeeding

“Isn’t it difficult to travel out of Sweden?”

“Ehh, not at all. Why?”

“Soviet Union is usually very restrictive with letting citizens leave the country.”

What’s with all the comments about Soviet Union??

“Where are you from?”

“Sweden”

“Which state is that in?”

“It’s actually a country, not a city, over in Europe”

“Ok, I see. But which state is it in?”

U.S. is very large but other places and countries do exist.

“I’ve heard all Swedish women have big boobs.”

I wish.

“You’re raising your kids tri-lingually?”

“Yes, we speak three languages at home”

“That’s dangerous. Poor kids. You will overload their brains.”

I think it’s safe to say my kids brains are not about to explode.

“I’ve heard all Swedes have blue eyes”

Not correct but it might have been true for the whole world if U.S. hadn’t been so awesome and stopped Hitler.

“Do you have roads in Sweden?”

Yes we do, Sweden is a high tech country with high living standards (which include good roads).

I feel like Tom Hanks in “Big” when he’s sitting in that meeting raising his hand and saying “I don’t get it“. I always felt like raising polite kids was a good idea but apparently some think the opposite is more appropriate. Are polite kids not desired any longer? What advantages could rude kids possibly have in life? I’m so confused.

Raising polite kids can apparently be seen as wimpy and something only royals should do even if it takes place in a normal middle class family. I could imagine overly polite kids face some minor problems if raised in a really “hardcore” neighborhood but not under normal circumstances. I find this politeness view really strange, especially since it’s going on in my extended family.

I’m not believer in military style discipline and my kids certainly aren’t’ raised that way. I’m not aiming for royal politeness standards, just some normal basic common sense. Is that really a bad idea? My kids are taught to say “thank you” when given something or when someone is being nice to them. Saying “your welcome” or “here you go” is a plus, and sharing toys with friends is an absolute must. Also trying to play with friends who are visiting our house. Those are some of my criteria for basic politeness which I don’t consider being out of reach or a bad idea for any kid.

I’m clearly missing something. Do you raise your kids to be somewhat polite or is that completely out of fashion? Must a polite kid really be equal to a wimp or a pushover?

After my first child I thought life got a little hectic at times. After the second one came along, the most active baby on earth by the way, things suddenly got complicated. Having a fun family life with the kids and combining it with friends, travel, work, hobbies, and workouts was still possible but it required a lot more planning, shortcuts, and tricks. I just found many of my favorite tricks to handle family life over on Zenhabits. If you want to avoid going crazy with the kids you should definitely check out their list of 25 Ways to Simplify Your Life with Kids. It should be required reading for anyone with children. It’s a great list.

Some of my favorites:

One calendar. If you have more than one kid, you might have a lot of activities going on that you need to track, from school events such as Christmas performances and parent-teacher conferences to extracurricular activities such as soccer practice, dance classes, or Spring concerts. Organize your life with a simple calendar (I use Google Calendar) and enter all activities and appointments on this one calendar, from kids’ stuff to your own goings on. When they hand you papers from school, or soccer schedules, immediately enter everything onto the calendar. Then a quick glance at the calendar each day will help you plan your day.

Can’t live without this one. We use two iPhones, an iMac, and a Macbook to keep all our appointments, activities, workouts, and meetings synchronized. It’s been incredibly helpful, especially for Foxy Wife.

Prep the night before. Mornings can be a hectic time for parents and kids alike, but they don’t have to be. Instead, prep as much as possible the night before, and have your mornings be a little more relaxed. I like to prep lunches, get their clothes ready (and mine as well), and have them shower, get their homework and school bags ready. Then the morning is simply eating breakfast, a little grooming, getting dressed, and gathering everything together before you head out the door. It’s a great way to start your day.

This one ties in very closely for me with 10, 11, and 12 (Always prep early, always bring snacks, and baby wifes and emergency kit. I never leave the house without enough food for a whole day with the kids.

Create alone time for your spouse. It’s easy to become so busy with your kids that you forget about your significant other. Don’t let this happen — it’s a sure way to drift apart and lose that bond that led you to having a family together. Keep the relationship alive by getting a babysitter (maybe once a week) and doing something together, just the two of you.

I do this all the time. I know how great it feels with some private time so I try to give it to my wife as much as possible. During the weekends I often go on advenutres with my kids during the whole day.

Have dedicated family times. Try to find regular times in your schedule when you do nothing else but spend time together as a family. For some people, dinner time works well — everyone sits down to dinner together as a family, and no other activities are planned at that time. For others, weekends, or maybe just one day of the weekend, work better. We reserve Sundays as our Family Day, and try our best not to schedule anything else on that day. It’s something we look forward to. Weekends in general are for our family, as are evenings — all work gets done on weekdays, before 5 p.m.

I spend an insane amount of time with my kids. Breakfast and dinner together every day and I also often pick them up at day care at 3 pm. It’s hard work at times but who knows how long I get to enjoy my family? I could die tomorrow so I want to see them as much as possible.

If you have a busy family life I’m sure you’ve got some helpful tricks as well. Anything that should be added to the list?

I have a problem. I have two healthy children and together with my wife we’ve more or less decided to close the shop. That was until yesterday when my son spoke of his wishes. When deciding weather or not to have more children, how much weight should be given to a lovely and genuine 4- year old?

My son has been an absolute dream to raise so far. He hasn’t stopped smiling since the first month and we have an amazing relationship. He’s also the best older brother I’ve ever seen. If you were (stupidly) forced to choose a companion for your young daughter today, he’s the kind of person you would pick. He’s already a much better person than I’ll ever be.

My daughter is now 19 months and kind of the opposite of my son. She’s the most impatient child on earth and has been a challenge for the very first day. It started with colic plus acid reflux and continued with an amazingly stubborn personality. Before she was born, I had a feeling she would be something different. She’s smart and will go very far in life, that’s very clear. I’m grateful she’s a healthy girl but she’s been extremely hard work so far.

Foxy wife was talking to my son yesterday and somehow the subject of a little brother or sister came up. He was asked if he wanted another younger sibling and answered yes several times. I think my wife got scared since she already feels overwhelmed with two kids (I don’t). That simultaneous capacity trait that women are supposedly born with is not really her strong side which is partly why more kids have kind of been ruled out. Until now.

Many years before the kids were born we agreed on having kids AND having fun. To include them into our lives and not stop living when the time came. That has so far worked out great. But we’re not really sure we can do that with another child. This sounds terrible but what if she’s as challenging as our daughter? We like to include the children into our lives but don’t let them dictate our path. Is it foolish listening to the views and desires of a 4-year old boy?

My son would like a younger brother, I’ve confirmed that with him. How much of his opinions should be included in the decision of possibly having another child?

Everyone knows I’m a shill for Mac products especially the iPhone. After a particularly rough behavioral stretch with the girls, I have discovered a magical disciplinary technique––that I’m sure won’t last very long.

My girls are obsessed with my iPhone. They watch TV shows, look at photos, and watch YouTube videos (kiddie stuff I’ve checked out). They can both even operate it by themselves, even the 2.5 year old.

So what’s the magic technique? Well, my girls suck at timeouts. Or better said, we have done a sucky job at instilling them. The iPhone, like most every other phone, has a timer function. One exceptionally frustrating day with Lilly I decided she was getting a 10-minute time out, I was pissed, and she knew I was serious. I had my phone on me and set the timer. The phone has a “dog bark” ring tone that the girls love and I told Lilly she had to sit in silence for ten minutes until the dog barked.

SHE DID IT.

I almost soiled myself.

So for a couple of weeks we’ve been timeout-ing like champs. I know the fad will wane, but if it doesn’t, I think Apple has a new marketing strategy.

I wonder if Steve Jobs will hook me up with some royalties?

If you’re alive and breathing you’ve read about the Spears family disasters. Britney’s breakdown, a disaster marriage, her mental illness, the court order not allowing Britney to see her young children, and recently the news about her 16-year old sisters pregnancy. Like most people, I have more respect for a random stranger than anyone in the Spears family but I find the whole situation interesting out of a parenting perspective. Especially considering Lynne Spears, the mother, book about parenting has been postponed and will probably never be published. That would suggest her parenting has been a failure leaves a lot to be desired.

I’m of the belief that you can blame or credit me for anything concerning my children. Regardless if my kids are 3 or 30, I’ll take all blame/credit for all their actions. Forget about the paparazzi hysteria, what Britney is or isn’t wearing, and who’s the father of Jamie’s child. What about parenting? Are we seeing a failure as a parent or is this stuff that could happen to any great and responsible parent?

I think it’s easy to dismiss the whole Spears family as complete losers and just make fun of them. But to me their situation also offers a great parenting opportunity and how to talk to our kids.

Britney’s case is complex. Fame, money, bad advisor’s, drugs, mental illness, and seemingly not caring about her own children. Being her parents can’t have been an easy job. A parent can do an outstanding job but what happens if there’s mental illness involved? If a parent suspects mental illness, what’s the right approach? NYT has previously written a series about this that might be helpful. And regardless of how well a child is raised, money and fame often leads to a change (to the worse) in behavior. Is it reasonable to believe a child can be taught “the basics” at an early age and resist the disastrous temptations? I believe so.

My own opinion is that fame, money, and drugs can quickly make a person forget how to approach life. But I still believe a parent can build a great relationships at a young age to make sure these difficult issues can be discussed. My own approach is to build a close bond at an early age. I’ve taken a total of 12 months of paternity leave so far with my two young kids. Our relationship is great right now but I believe the greatest benefits will be seen in 10-20 years. I really hope we then can discuss serious issues openly.

I could see the writing on the wall with Britney many years ago and I’m sure you could as well. She seemed very young to be pushed so hard and the combination of sex symbol, she always wore as little clothes as possible, and abstinence seemed weird to me. I think a parent should coach a young star a little better. Too much success early on often leads to bad things. And going for only sex appeal might be a short term career boost but the long run implications don’t seem great. I always got the impression Britney maybe wasn’t pushed but there seemed to be nothing or no one trying to slow down her fast rising career. Would things have been different with a more careful approach?

Forget about Britney for a minute. Her sister is now pregnant at the young age of 16. To me this would be the ultimate nightmare as a parent although others might feel differently. So what’s the right thing to do? 16 is very young to become a parent but I think lots of support is the only way to go forward regardless of what decision is made regarding he baby.

When I was 17 years old and got a girlfriend I desperately wanted her to stay over at my house (read my parents house). My parents said that was no problem but they had one condition. They wanted us to take precautions to avoid getting pregnant. Me and my girlfriend both thought that sounded reasonable, we sure weren’t ready to get pregnant, and thought getting on the pill was a good idea. This was something I remembered for the rest of my life, I always had pregnancy in mind when I was with a girl and swore I would not have kids until I was ready. Which is why I luckily waited an additional 20 years to become a father.

I don’t know if Jamie Spears mother tried to avoid teenage pregnancy but I would assume so. Being a mother at age 16 is incredibly young. It sounds like she has a wider perspective on things that most girls that age but still, how much do you really know at 16 years of age? What about getting an education, having fun, and keeping the relationship together? This is not easy without a child and almost impossible while being pregnant this early. The Spears family money will surely help a lot but the stats for teenage pregnancies show it’s a difficult situation. By the way, is teenage pregnancy really a failure? Is getting pregnant at age 16 always unwanted?

To me, the Spears family is a parenting failure. Regardless of circumstances I think a 25 year old who’s not allowed to see her kids and a pregnant 16 year old is a bad track record. Will I do any better? I sure hope so or I will consider myself a failure as a father.

Today I find it more common for parents to take less responsibility and instead blame others for perceived failures. Can the Spears situation be blamed solely on media, money, drugs, and fame or do the parents play a larger role?

“Daddy, I need to pee”

“No problem, we’ll just go to the bushes at the edge of the playground”

Daddy pulls down pants and steers pee in the right direction.

“Daddy, I need to poop as well”

“Ok, no problem, we’ll be home in a couple of minutes. Let me just grab your sister who’s sleeping in the carriage.”

“No Daddy……, I already pooped”

Daddy looks down in son’s pants and happily finds almost nothing.

“No worries, it was a small poop”

“No Daddy, it was a very large poop”

“??”

Daddy looks down in son’s underwear and finds nothing. Then Daddy looks down in his right shoe and finds one whole pound of diarrhea. I walk home with son naked from waist down, daughter crying, and with only one shoe. Welcome to my first day on paternity leave.

Luckily this was not my first time on paternity leave, I also used 6 months just over two years ago so I wasn’t worried. I knew everything would be fine. But it sure is a change from a regular job. Below are a few of thoughts that crossed my mind during this time:

-Attitude: Fathers who approach paternity leave like time off never get close to their kids. I’ve never seen a successful father with this casual attitude. And I’ve never seen anything but superb fatherhood among those who approach it seriously.

- Tupperware rocks: I’m not kidding. This stuff is so much better than the cheap containers. Stuff stays fresh forever and never leaks. Favorite items are expandable containers, wine opener, Lil’ chopper, and sandwich keeper.

-Comments: Fathers are obviously clueless. Most common comment from fathers (especially foreigners) “Six months on paternity leave? Must feel great to have such a long vacation, what are you going to do with all that time?” All mothers say “Six months of paternity leave? That’s great! It will be tough at times but you will get very close to the children”. Mothers rock.

-Stress: Thankfully I enjoy stress. How much stress could two kids really be? For the past 14 years I’ve been a Wall Street type trader. No breaks, breakfast and lunch on plastic plates in front of six screens while doing five other things, and obscene levels of stress. Staying home with two kids is still much tougher.

-Working Out: Paternity leave means lots of time for exercise. Older son has been at day care part time, the little one takes naps throughout the day which are perfect for a run with the carriage or she sleeps in carriage at gym front desk. Six workouts a week is no problem.

-Older Sibling: The key to a fine running household is not the infant, it’s the older sibling. If he/she doesn’t cooperate things get very difficult. Thankfully, that has been no problem.

-Baby Björn and MBUD: Things I can’t live without. The Baby Björn Active is phenomenal and the Mountain Buggy Urban Double is too good to be true. Fits through all doors, no problems on bus or subway, toys with sand and deep snow, and I can even go running with my two kids in it.

-Winter Clothing: Buy Reima and your kids won’t get sick. Crawling through mud, sitting in slush, or laying down in snow is no worries with this Gortex stuff. Simply outstanding.

-Force Feeding: Don’t do it, it doesn’t work. It might seem like a good idea but it’s a short term panic fix. I see some mothers, almost exclusively Latin, forcing their kids to eat for stupid reasons. Their kids are not underweight, but mothers won’t leave the kids alone. No wonder they don’t enjoy food, it’s a real pain to observe.

-Patience: Kids are great but they also wear you down. If you’re not patient, paternity leave will be very challenging. Good wine seems to help somewhat…..

-Be Prepared: After being stuck one day with two hungry and naggy kids and no food nearby I took drastic action. Nowadays I never leave home without enough food, drink, and snacks in the cooler to last a complete day. We still eat out often but if we don’t find anything we like, kids will still be fed.

-Time management: One child is very easy, two is more than twice as hard. Without good routines and a little planning, the household will quickly turn into chaos.

-It’s a privilege: Being able to stay home 18 months, be fully paid, and get an amazing start with your children is a right here but it should be seen as a privilege. Many unfortunately forget parenting in other countries is far more challenging.

There are days when I feel like quitting.  When this whole parenting/family thing combined with everything else just gets to me.  When this happens I try to get a few minutes alone, think of others who face real problems, and then just carry on.  But there’s apparently another creative solution.  Go on Strike!

Go on strike is exactly what one Florida mother of four did over a month ago.  Reason?  She could not control her four teenage children.

According to a charging affidavit, Dean said the children needed to start cleaning up and stop fighting and that she had no control over them. Dean also said she was fed up with being run over in her own home and having no privacy, according to the affidavit.  

I don’t know the whole background but the mother must have some issues.  Still, I find her “strike” solution creative in a stupid kind of way.  She obviously did not read the fine print which comes with the birth of every child.  My own contract clearly states that I have no privacy, not even in the bathroom, and that I my mission in life is being a superb father.  The fine print continues for another 17 pages, I’m sure you’ve got a similar contract.

Is there anything a parent can do to avoid seeing going on strike as the only option? I spend an enormous amount of time with my kids, I need short blocks of private time here and there to stay fresh.  For me it’s also crucial to work out a lot and stay active.  Perhaps most important to me is also to find a good balance between kids and life.  Living only for the kids doesn’t really work for me, I need other things in my life as well.  Might sound selfish I know.

Maybe you need something completely different, it’s unimportant as long as it works well.  Avoid going on strike, the kids deserve a lot better.

Valentines Day is coming up but somehow I doubt UK men will be having lots of wild sex.  A stunning half of all UK men said they prefer a plasma TV instead.

Nearly half of British men surveyed would give up sex for six months in return for a 50-inch plasma TV

I might consider giving up sex for a week if I get a really hot HD set, don’t tell the wife please, but six months?  A see a few possible conclusions, none of them good:

A. Sex in UK must be unbelievably dull

B. UK men must have incredibly unattractive partners

C. TV/Cable/DVD/Game content must be something else that I can find even though I seem to have downloaded all files in the world on Bittorrent.

D. Porn must be a huge seller in UK (like most other places)

E. UK men must have lost concept of time.  Do they really know how long six months is?

How about no sex for six months and a gorgeous 50-inch plasma TV?  Out of the question  or totally doable?

We all know that kids learn stuff with amazing speed but often we have no idea how it actually happens.  This is especially true with languages, we’re supposed to talk to our children and they automatically learn as they grow older.  But how do they learn?

It has been assumed that children learn one word at the time, that’s often how we approach teaching.  But new research out of Indiana University suggests children might instead be able to learn large groups of words by using “data mining”.

Data mining is a fancy word for looking at large of amounts of data and try to make some sense out of it.  I don’t think this is very surprising, children have amazing talent to pick up on new things.

Yu and Smith say it’s possible that the more words tots hear, and the more information available for any individual word, the better their brains can begin simultaneously ruling out and putting together word-object pairings, thus learning what’s what.

I unconsciously subject my kids to lots of data mining since they are being taught three languages at once (read more on progress here).  The children hear three words instead of one for everything and seem to be making sense of it all without problems although we’ve occasionally seen some slight delays on verbal development.

It’s kind of frightening we know so little about teaching our kids languages.  What has opened my eyes the most is how we fail to realize just how much and how fast children can learn.  Three languages, like in our case, is a breeze.  Studies have shown the little ones can learn six languages at once without barely trying.  I think that shows there must be better way to learn than one word at the time.

What’s interesting about the seemingly boring study is how we can improve  the way we teach our kids languages.  Schools are hardly known for being able to change teaching methods quickly and with ease.  If this research proves correct in the future, can schools adapt?  Perhaps there is room for some serious school alternative sooner than we think?

Here at the Blogfathers we are not afraid of dissecting other people’s parenting. Hell, a few of us have been known to condemn some of the more egregious parenting blunders. It’s all in an effort to be helpful and to get parents, including ourselves, to have a broader view of the varying opinions that surround raising kids. None of us are perfect at parenting,or in general. That said, some parents are morons.

Last week my son took a gifted and talented test (we will not get the results for a couple of months - I’m just glad that he was able to get through it). My wife and I put out a lot of effort trying to keep it breezy, while still communicating our expectations to our son, in the days leading up to the exam. Part of that effort was not calling it an exam or test at all. We simply told him that he’d be asked some questions, and complete some puzzles and riddles. He has a lifetime to be stressed about taking tests; no need to start the anxiety at four years old.

I’ll have to admit that I didn’t go to the testing site because I was working. (Plus we know that my boy performs better with the full undivided attention of one parent.) But the report that I got back from my wife was disturbing enough to share. Some parents were asking other people’s kids how they liked the idea of taking a test. They were asking the little ones if they were ready to take the “big” exam. These thoughtless individuals didn’t know how these potentially-overwhelmed kids were prepared for the test, and therefore shouldn’t have made such comments. What if they were already internalizing their parent’s anxiety? That feeling could have been compounded if they were forced to deal with the stranger reminding them that the test was big and important.
Please, don’t talk to my kid.

Also, there were parents, like my wife, who were busy trying to keep their kids calm and happy before the test by playing quietly and reading. So why were other parents allowing their kids to walk up to children who were reviewing flash cards, reading, drawing, and talking to their mothers and fathers. One such child asked my son if he would share his scarf as the mother looked on in quasi horror before stepping in. My son didn’t need that kind of aggravation at that moment.

All I’m saying is that there are times when people should just keep their mouths shut, and keep to themselves.

The big day is here for all football fans, Super Bowl 2008. Highlight of the year for many and often one hell of a party. Which brings up the debate of double dipping. As one hangs around the chips area with a beer, is it appropriate to double-dip? Do you double-dip? If you’re a Seinfeld fan you might remember the famous episode from 1993 (#59 The Implant) involving George:

TIMMY: What are you doing?

GEORGE: What?

TIMMY: Did…did you just double-dip that chip?

GEORGE: Excuse me?

TIMMY: You double-dipped the chip!

GEORGE: “Double-dipped”? What are you talking about?

TIMMY: You dipped the chip. You took a bite.

And you dipped again.

GEORGE: So…?

TIMMY: That’s like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip - just take one dip and end it!