Barbie - You’re In Time-Out!
LA Daddy | September 4
I’m convinced my oldest daughter is not mine. Not biologically. No… L.A. Mommy didn’t boink the pool boy. I’m quite sure, however, that my daughter’s father is Satan.
She’s four and a half years old. And those little horns have been poking through for about a year now. Man, forget the “Terrible Two’s”! It’s the threes and fours you gotta watch out for!
Okay, soooo I’m really stating the obvious. Toddlers are obnoxious. We all know that.
But my wife and I (okay, my wife) had come up with a solution we were sure would work just fine. Wanting to avoid being the type of parents who beat their children within inches of their lives (and pelvic bones), we tried the whole “Time Out” thing for a while. That hasn’t always worked out. Not so much…
Our new cunning plan was to revolutionize this Time Out B.S. theory! We wouldn’t put our child in time-out… Oh, no! Whenever our eldest would act up… we would put her toys in time-out.
Fiendish, I know. We’re clever that way.
If L.A. Toddler were to defy us, do something bad, or otherwise piss us off, we decided we would place her favorite toy du jour into a time out. And that time-out lasted the whole day. If bad behavior persisted, we would add another toy to the time out purgatory. Any more crazy attitude might mean that a time out for Barbie or Barney or Tigger could last for a whole week.
We were going to stick to our guns, too. No giving in. No relenting and giving back the favorite toy. No sir. Never.
We cackled and rubbed our fiendish little hands together like mad scientists in a B-movie from the 50’s.
And our plan would have worked, too. Had it not been for the fact that L.A. Toddler is smarter than we are. She’s always been one of those odd kids that has no dedication to one type of toy. There was no beloved blanket or stuffed animal. No toy she couldn’t live without.
We put one of her toys in time-out for the first time. We expected much wailing and gnashing of teeth. She simply smirked at us, slid off her chair, and walked away. We looked at each other, watched her pick up another toy, and stared in disbelief as she happily played with something else.
And since we’re not that bright, we’ve continued our failed strategy. At this point, I can’t park my car in the garage. There are 27 boxes full of toys - all in “Time Out” - filling the room for the next 5 days. And Satan’s spawn my daughter is in the house playing with the cat’s toys (full of catnip.)
Should I be worried about the catnip?
I’m curious what exactly went so horridly wrong with the original time out method?
Things I have learned with my 3 year old daughter, watching my girlfriend parent her 6 year old step-daughter and ‘Time Outs’:
-They’re punishment, plain and simple. I’m giving her a timeout because I don’t think it warrants a spanking…yet.
-In the corner, on the stairs, in her room; there are a variety of increasingly restrictive places to force misbehaving hell-spawns to stay in. The art is figuring out which places are mildly annoying and which places they absolutely hate. Escalate accordingly.
During an especially bad behavior period (lasted for a few days) I stripped Daughter’s bedroom to nothing but a bed with a mattress (and securing the closet door so that they could not open it) and sent her in there for time outs. The only thing that changed when it came time for bed was that I put the bedding back on. Granted, I’m a younger single-dad (meaning I don’t have a lot of money) so her room isn’t lavishly furnished anyways, but I think you get the idea.
Kids challenge authority and watch their parents for a reaction. If taking toys away isn’t working, escalate what it is that you’re taking away. Consider how much they love the freedom to move around the house, watch TV, go outside and other such things. Taking that stuff away from them as well shows that if they continue to misbehave, there’s no end to the punishments mom/dad can come up with.
Good afternoon LA Daddy,
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Good afternoon LA Daddy,
My name is Chris Bui with tiny*prints, http://www.tinyprints.com/ - a provider of elegant personal stationary, including Holiday Cards.
While taking a look at your blog, http://www.theblogfathers.com/, I noticed that your site and ours target the same audience base. I would like to extend to you an invitation to review several of our Holiday related cards.
Is this something you would be willing to discuss further? Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you!
Kind Regards,
Chris Bui, Associate Consultant
Tiny*Prints http://www.tinyprints.com/
Direct 805.456.6296 Fax 805.962.0451 Email bizdev@tinyprints.com
They are fiendishly clever. She sounds similar to mine. I’ll loudly converse (AKA: yell) that my oldest should go to his room and then fifteen minutes later when I go up there, he has all his toys spread out–having a good old time–and looks up at me as I walk in and says, “Hey!” Like nothing had happened.
I have a theory on why the toy time out isn’t working. If your daughter is like mine, she has many toys. Perhaps she simply doesn’t have a favorite because she has so many options. My mom once said, “If a kid has 10 dolls, do you think they have a favorite?”
In my experience, one of the trickiest things about disciplining kids is finding out what their currency is - and it’s always changing. I’ve learned that my kids’ currency most often is based on their ABILITY to do something - not a toy or movie. My oldest daughter’s currency is “driving” the TV remote. With the boy it’s going to bed earlier/later than his sisters.
Whatever your kid’s currency, hope you find something that works — at least for a little while.
My son turns three today and I already sense that “Terrible Twos” is a concept designed to distract from the years that follow.
I had been planning on adopting your toy time-out strategy, in fact it has been threatened without having to be carried out so far. I’ve seen it advocated on at least one parenting TV programme, possibly Supernanny. But I too fear it will merely result in a garage full of toys!
I wouldn’t worry too much about the catnip– no long term effects.
We started putting toys in time-out when the second kid was old enough to play (and fight) with the older one. Instead of trying to assign guilt or put them both in TO we just put the toy there. And if they went on with life just fine without that toy we considered getting rid of it. We all have too much crap anyways why not use this as a way to cull the chaff?
Yeah, I didn’t think the Terrible Twos were so terrible but I named the fours the F*@#ing Fours they were so bad!
I can see a large garage sale coming up soon…… I’m not a big believer in time outs. I try to somehow do preemptive strikes and not end up there. It doesn’t always work but timeouts are rare and usually no longer than a few minutes. I’m not really sure why and how this works for us but the solution is NEVER to give in. I’ve seen that among friends and that cure naughty 3 year old then turned into a monster as a 8 year old.
I encourage you and your readers to look at the website http://www.alfiekohn.org/up/index.html where it discusses the concept of unconditional parenting. As you have found out, time outs do NOT work. We as parents need to totally change the way we look at disciplining toddlers and older children. When “acting up” or doing something considered “bad” the theory of unconditional parenting states that that is when your child needs you the most! Putting them in solitary confinement (time out) or a variation of this is the exact opposite of what you should be doing.
I am a parent of a 2 year old and 9 week old and know first hand how difficult it can be with a child that does not want to do what you want to do. Who would want to be told what to do, where to go, what to eat and when to sleep all the time? We need to take a step back as parents and care givers and see it through the eyes of the child. I hope you and your reading can take a few minute to educate yourself on this really well thought out and researched style of connecting with your children. It will make a huge difference for your children and yourselves!
My daughter is four. It is frightening to see how fast they learn how to work the system. I am considering moving away for about 15 years, not sure if my heart can take it. Yow.
i stumbled upon a great parenting class a couple of years ago. respectful and effective. based on adlerian psychology. check out jane nelson’s website. google love and logic.