Use the poop, Luke
Flagrant Disregard | June 14
Both of our children potty trained several years ago which was unquestionably a Good Thing. And yet I’ve said and I still believe that, if it were possible, I’d have suspended or slowed their aging so that I could have enjoyed every nuance of their newbornness more completely. Not that I miss diapers and their contents; on the contrary, newborns and toddlers are so wonderful that I’m willing—literally—to put up with their shit.
In the intervening years I’ve learned that potty training isn’t so much an on/off switch or a marked point in time but a continuum with “tactical expert ++” at one end and “weapon of mass destruction” at the other. One moves gradually from less to more trained. Our kids are approaching expert but are failing in one essential aspect: they sometimes don’t flush. As you can imagine, this can be unpleasant. And yet, it’s not also without its usefulness.
As a new father, and one without any experience in the baby arts, I approached my first dirty diapers with all the bemusement and fleeting adrenalin of a flock of geese encountering 60,000 pounds of thrust from a jet engine for the first (and last) time. But I quickly came to know my children’s poop, and through it, them.
All devoted parents must eventually become connoisseurs. Poop gurus, if you will, who can predict excretory events down to the minute, who can divine with a glance and by nose not only how well a meal was received but even a child’s general health and mood—like tea leaves, each diaper contains secrets, squishy brown telegrams from a supernatural agency with a powerful and aromatic sense of humor.
Soon enough my children will stop sending us porcelain messages from beyond. And that too will be a Good Thing. But until then, I use my powers of fatherly divination to reveal what I can, to glean some useful tidbit of insight or knowledge, before I flush and close the lid.
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I wouldn’t count on the non-flushing thing to disappear entirely, occasionally I discover the toilet in the restroom at work has not been flushed by the last user.
Unfortunately, this is very true.
One of these days, when the boys are old enough, I will NOT miss, “DADDY! I’m DONE!” Which is the call for me to come wipe their hineys!
There’s something morally wrong with being dressed in church clothes wiping a 4-year old boys butt!
I can’t say I’ll miss that part of their being young.
As usual, I’m glad it’s “not just my kids” … :)
-/\/
This is some funny sh%t! Nice work. I enjoy your blog. Check out ours if you get a chance. Let me know if you want to link up. I’ll add yours to our blog roll, as well.
Well the non flushing thing was spot on and happens in my house all the time. The worst part is the non-flushed bowl without TP in the bowl. “They didn’t wipe?” Then of course I am also the guy doing the laundry. I get to see which one forgot to wipe.