Wanting Another Sibling
AdventureDad | March 24I have a problem. I have two healthy children and together with my wife we’ve more or less decided to close the shop. That was until yesterday when my son spoke of his wishes. When deciding weather or not to have more children, how much weight should be given to a lovely and genuine 4- year old?
My son has been an absolute dream to raise so far. He hasn’t stopped smiling since the first month and we have an amazing relationship. He’s also the best older brother I’ve ever seen. If you were (stupidly) forced to choose a companion for your young daughter today, he’s the kind of person you would pick. He’s already a much better person than I’ll ever be.
My daughter is now 19 months and kind of the opposite of my son. She’s the most impatient child on earth and has been a challenge for the very first day. It started with colic plus acid reflux and continued with an amazingly stubborn personality. Before she was born, I had a feeling she would be something different. She’s smart and will go very far in life, that’s very clear. I’m grateful she’s a healthy girl but she’s been extremely hard work so far.
Foxy wife was talking to my son yesterday and somehow the subject of a little brother or sister came up. He was asked if he wanted another younger sibling and answered yes several times. I think my wife got scared since she already feels overwhelmed with two kids (I don’t). That simultaneous capacity trait that women are supposedly born with is not really her strong side which is partly why more kids have kind of been ruled out. Until now.
Many years before the kids were born we agreed on having kids AND having fun. To include them into our lives and not stop living when the time came. That has so far worked out great. But we’re not really sure we can do that with another child. This sounds terrible but what if she’s as challenging as our daughter? We like to include the children into our lives but don’t let them dictate our path. Is it foolish listening to the views and desires of a 4-year old boy?
My son would like a younger brother, I’ve confirmed that with him. How much of his opinions should be included in the decision of possibly having another child?
well I’m not sure as we are going through the same thing right now - except I only have 1 child. And 2 would be enough for us. I’m not sure on how you would do with 3, I’ve heard it’s a lot of work since with the 2, there are 2 of you. So if you have the third it’s quite the juggling act.
good luck on whatever your decision
Mich
I applaud you and Foxy Wife for your decision. Too many times it seems taht parents lives, their marriage, stops when they have kids. To me, kids shouldn’t be the end of “fun”; it should be the beginning!
I don’t think I would let my 4 year old have much of any say in the matter of a new baby. He won’t be getting up multiple times a night with the baby. He won’t be spending his extra cash at the local mega-mart on diapers and whatnot. Nossir, to him, it’d just be someone else to torment.
So why do that when he’s got me? I’m easily torment-able.
That’s my opinion anyway.
I think the decision should be your wife’s, and your wife’s and yours together. She’s the one who will be having the baby. That’s one. Then you both are the ones who will be raising the child. Nothing sounds selfish in what you write: if you have a difficult (pardon the word, you know what I mean) child, you tend to think how the new baby will be, will it be as difficult, how will we manage that? As much as you love your difficult child. *you* have to decide whether it will be manageable, and I think it’s very healthy to realise that you still want ‘a life’, and not a life dominated completely by your children and their needs.
Speaking for myself: I would not take into consideration the fact that my child (or children) wants a sibling. That’s my personal opinion.
I don’t have any input, really, as I only have one 8 month old son, but I thought of a good question…
If he didn’t want a little brother or sister (and you guys were leaning toward having another), would you take his feelings into consideration?
I probably wouldn’t. ;)
(that said, sounds like he’s be a great big brother!)
I completely understand the fear you have in wondering what the third child will be like. We are expecting our 3rd later this year. Our son was diagnosed with Aspergers when his little sister was 2 1/2. As we sit here wondering how we’re going to handle 3 kids (we’re excited though, don’t get me wrong) we DO worry about this new one having the challenges my son has. It is a struggle everyday with my boy and I shudder at the thought that the new baby could be the same way. I know though that whatever comes our way, we’ll deal. That’s what we do as parents, love no matter what. At least we know what is out there for help and who we can turn to for support. I wouldn’t take your son’s wants into too much consideration but it’s good that you have it out there. If you DO have another one, he’s “prepared” somewhat LOL Good luck on the decision. My husband offered to get the snip snip after this one is born. Bless his heart.
how much weight should be given to a lovely and genuine 4- year old?
Absolutely none. What the heck does a 4 year old know anyway? NOTHING. You and your wife have already decided that what you can handle is 2. Then Thats what you can handle.
At three EVERYTHING changes. If you where able to survive with a sedan, that got to get traded up to a minivan. Don’t know your housing situation but if you had a 2 bedroom apt. now you got to get a house. (The house will give you more deductions than your kids though thats a good thing.) At three, the kids out number the parents. Now you got have eyes in the back of you heads. You be surprised how tough it is to remember that third name…
“uh Jimmie, uh Jaime YOU KNOW YOUR NAME!!! GET OVER HERE BOY!!”
I’m just saying ” remember why you choose to stop and two. If those reasons are still valid, than, hold up.
I have two and it was more than enough…My first daughter was pretty easy and the second was the little boy I never had. She takes care of any desires I may have of wanting a boy…Now since it is many people’s dream to have one of each, it may come to head that when I turn 35 (I’m 30 now) I may (slight chance) have a burning desire to have another child, but really I just want to look good by the time I’m 45 and I think another child will just ruin any chance of me maintaining any little bit of sanity I still have left…and once the sanity is gone so is my energy and then goes the beauty..so as for another child…I THINK NOT!!!
Being that I don’t even have my first yet (I know, *gasp*) I cannot tell you a thing from a parental point of view, I can, however, tell you from a child and sibling’s point of view. I was not “consulted” when my parents decided to try for #3 and while I quite enjoyed being the youngest of two children I was also pretty excited at having a younger sibling to care for and that feeling has never faded even through the rough times…and yes there were many. The problem arose, you see, when #3 turned in to #3 and #4, the third child turned out to be twins which you’d never expect but it happens and usually on the “last go round” as well lol. While having two more mouths to feed strained our family to extremes at some times being a child with siblingS always outweighed that. I love being one of four children and wouldn’t change it for the world and I fully intend on having at least three of my own. My view on the matter is that at least one of my siblings will be there for me to help me through every choice I want to make. Perhaps that’s just me but I love being a part of a big family and I intend to carry on the tradition…perhaps not to the extent of my fathers 6 siblings though.
[…] AdventureDad recently wrote about his four-year-old boy’s request for a younger brother. He asks, “Is it foolish listening to the views and desires of a four-year-old boy?” […]
None. Don’t do it!!!
Well, if you and your wife have decided that you’re done… be done. The wishes and desires of a four year old change rapidly. I’m sure that he won’t be scarred.