The Other Side Of Fatherhood
AdventureDad | January 30
I’ve got quite a bit of international experience and have observed parenting styles in close to 30 different countries. Some good and lots of bad stuff. I know a father’s involvement with the children is traditionally limited and the mother does most of the work. Despite my many observations, and 40-ish visits to Mexico, I was shocked to hear the feedback from my wife’s recent pleasure business trip to her home country. That I, the father, stayed home alone with my two children during two weeks was seen as a more significant event than putting a man on the moon.
“When are you getting divorce?“, “What happened to your relationship?“, and “Aren’t you worried about the children?” were some of the first questions that my wife was asked. And that was despite most people knowing I had just taken 6 months of paternity leave. My wife had partially forgotten how fatherhood is perceived in Mexico, South America, and most other places in the world. Fathers can’t and shouldn’t take care of children, it’s strictly for mothers.
To create more controversy my wife mentioned I was also schooling in our 17-month old at day care. What a horrible mother, leaving the children just like that. How will they survive?
There is nothing wrong with our relationship, the kids are doing great, and she had full confidence in me despite being a continent away. Questions asked over here were supportive and my stay was seen as little out of the ordinary. Friends mentioned it might be a little stressful and intense at times but nothing more. This is hardly surprising since the gender equal society gives fathers plenty of opportunities to stay home with their children. I hardly know any father who hasn’t taken at least a few months of paternity leave.
I find these drastic contrasts between countries, and fathers, fascinating and incredibly educational. Also quite sad. I know quite a few fathers in Mexico but not a single one that has taken care of their child for a whole day. And lets not even mention cooking some food for the little ones, interact with day care, or spending the night together without mommy. Unthinkable.
I’ve seen both sides and think there is no comparison. In my humble opinion, being an involved father is great for the children and the relationship with the wife. But I find it almost impossible to convince “the other side” about this. Old fashioned values and the traditional male role are big hurdles. Many fathers have low confidence and are afraid of what would happen if they got more involved. Afraid of making mistakes and not knowing what to do at all times. Afraid of being seen as weak if they change a diaper, spend a day with their children, or make them a priority. Afraid of what others might say.
The sad thing to me is that many of these fathers could be really great with the kids if they made fatherhood a priority. Personally, I don’t find taking care of the kids for a couple of weeks alone being a big deal. I would expect my wife to do the same thing if necessary. Who doesn’t need some time away from the kids to recharge the batteries?
