The Other Side Of Fatherhood
AdventureDad | January 30
I’ve got quite a bit of international experience and have observed parenting styles in close to 30 different countries. Some good and lots of bad stuff. I know a father’s involvement with the children is traditionally limited and the mother does most of the work. Despite my many observations, and 40-ish visits to Mexico, I was shocked to hear the feedback from my wife’s recent pleasure business trip to her home country. That I, the father, stayed home alone with my two children during two weeks was seen as a more significant event than putting a man on the moon.
“When are you getting divorce?“, “What happened to your relationship?“, and “Aren’t you worried about the children?” were some of the first questions that my wife was asked. And that was despite most people knowing I had just taken 6 months of paternity leave. My wife had partially forgotten how fatherhood is perceived in Mexico, South America, and most other places in the world. Fathers can’t and shouldn’t take care of children, it’s strictly for mothers.
To create more controversy my wife mentioned I was also schooling in our 17-month old at day care. What a horrible mother, leaving the children just like that. How will they survive?
There is nothing wrong with our relationship, the kids are doing great, and she had full confidence in me despite being a continent away. Questions asked over here were supportive and my stay was seen as little out of the ordinary. Friends mentioned it might be a little stressful and intense at times but nothing more. This is hardly surprising since the gender equal society gives fathers plenty of opportunities to stay home with their children. I hardly know any father who hasn’t taken at least a few months of paternity leave.
I find these drastic contrasts between countries, and fathers, fascinating and incredibly educational. Also quite sad. I know quite a few fathers in Mexico but not a single one that has taken care of their child for a whole day. And lets not even mention cooking some food for the little ones, interact with day care, or spending the night together without mommy. Unthinkable.
I’ve seen both sides and think there is no comparison. In my humble opinion, being an involved father is great for the children and the relationship with the wife. But I find it almost impossible to convince “the other side” about this. Old fashioned values and the traditional male role are big hurdles. Many fathers have low confidence and are afraid of what would happen if they got more involved. Afraid of making mistakes and not knowing what to do at all times. Afraid of being seen as weak if they change a diaper, spend a day with their children, or make them a priority. Afraid of what others might say.
The sad thing to me is that many of these fathers could be really great with the kids if they made fatherhood a priority. Personally, I don’t find taking care of the kids for a couple of weeks alone being a big deal. I would expect my wife to do the same thing if necessary. Who doesn’t need some time away from the kids to recharge the batteries?
If only all fathers thought like that. Or at least were aware of the wives that are often take for granted. You know, the ones that also cook for their hubbys, do their laundry, dishes, clean the house… oh, and double applause if they do all that AND work… oh wait, this isn’t my blog! ;)
*Applauds* Good for you for knowing you can take care of your own kids!
I just wanted to applaud you for taking care of your kids - I find your blog and the other ones on here a great take on fatherhood. And sadly it’s more common for the mother’s to do everything. My hubby and I try to share it as much as we can
I really appreciate Chhimi a lot more compared to pre-child days. He is such an involved father to Erik that its wonderful! Not the typical traditional asian guy that’s too busy “at work” and no time for family.
When he cares for Erik on a 1:1 basis, I am 100% confident that he does a fantastic job and I really don’t have any worries! Many of our friends are also like that where the fathers are involved and active as well so its great!
However, I do get sad to know that my own father was not like that. Thought that being a grandfather, he’d be a different man, since he’s retired, there’s no “work” as an excuse but just time to spend with Erik. Instead, he’s the same as before. Very disappointing!
It is always surprising how people react to us when we are out parenting Little Man. I’ve had women offer to help or who look concern when they realize I’m all on my own with a toddler at the playground. The best are the older Asian women who like to adjust Little Man’s clothes. Usually they are concerned I don’t have him bundled enough . It can be 80 and they’ll ask me where his jacket is.
The funniest thing was Hubby’s Grandparents were more concerned with the fact that as men we wouldn’t be able to parent a child. It wasn’t that we were gay but at 70 they still believed that only a woman really knew how to take care of a child. Luckily they don’t think that way as much anymore
My daughters father gave me one of the greatest gift one person could give another…the chance to fulfill a dream…he took care of our then 1 1/2 year old daughter while I studied abroad in Taiwan for a year! See you have to understand..he’s a black man…I’m black too…so for the world of study abroad..that is amazing..and for fatherhood in the black community…well lets just say the good ones are overshadowed by the bad…but like your wife..there was a lot of eyebrows that raised because I was “abandoning” my daughter…she came out fine and daddy survived (my daughter is spoiled, her daddy is whipped, wrapped around her lil’ fingers) but otherwise the two came out those 9 months stronger…especially dad!
My daughters father gave me one of the greatest gift one person could give another…the chance to fulfill a dream…he took care of our then 1 1/2 year old daughter while I studied abroad in Taiwan for a year! See you have to understand..he’s a black man…I’m black too…so for the world of study abroad..that is amazing..and for fatherhood in the black community…well lets just say the good ones are overshadowed by the bad…but like your wife..there was a lot of eyebrows that raised because I was “abandoning” my daughter…she came out fine and daddy survived (my daughter is spoiled, her daddy is whipped, wrapped around her lil’ fingers) but otherwise the two came out those 9 months stronger…especially dad! Thanks Norman!
Love the blog. Great to see other husbands/fathers handling the kids while we moms have to travel, whether for business or pleasure…I would hate to think my husband was unusual in that regard, and the evidence is mounting that he isn’t. Thanks for blogging about your experiences!
I am a stay at home dad for 2. I get the kids up, breakfast, dishes, off to school. Laundry, vacuum, lunch for myself and in laws (a few times a week), groceries (sometimes), prep for dinner, schools out, homework, dinner, sports, and this year I am trying to start a professional photography career.
This is my second tour of stay at home dad. Being form the West coast, I think it’s more acceptable for dads to be involved in the raising of children. Now that we are in the North East, it’s looked down on and actually perceived as a threat by me being involved. Kids and parents are uncomfortable when I show up to kids activities and not my wife.
Deal with it! We’re here and I’m with the kids.