Sexism in baby daddy land
Baby Daddy | October 4I work at a school, little dude, and every year, I’m supposed to contribute a little money to a “flower fund.” This money is then used to purchase flowers for the other teachers in the building if they have birthdays, or if a family member takes ill or dies. And I understand that — those flowers come from the fellow teacher of the person in need.
This money also purchases flowers for any teacher who has a child, but in there (I think) lies some sexism. See, you were born at the end of the school year when the other teachers were worrying about other things. A few weeks later, more babies were born to other teachers, and (I could be mistaken here) they received flowers, where you and I did not.
Yeah, all those flowers in your hospital room…they came from family. They came from other people. They did not come from the school. All the female teachers got flowers, and I’m going to assume it’s because they’re female.
(Nothing against the ladies here. You always remind us about the somatic experience of childbirth, and I’m sure no male would take the time to suffer through it, especially in argument of sexism.)
The problem came a few months later when I brought you to the school, because I’m a big fan of show-and-tell. Always have been. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve enjoyed show and tell, especialy when it bothered my teachers. I remember my second grade teacher, after living through my repetitive Transformer™ exhibits, asking that no more toys be brought in for the excitement and wonder of our fellow students.
And so I was dumbfounded at the reaction from my fellow teachers when I brought you in to show off. I had your mama bring you to school so everyone could see you and your working parts; so they could see you move and talk; so they could see you transform from a baby into a tank, and that you’re an autobot and not a decepticon. But all they were concerned with was the degradation of the daddy.
They saw you and said: “He’s so cute!” or “He’s so handsome!” and then they turned to your mama to call out all the problems they’ve seen in their lives.
Does he change diapers?
Yes.
Are you LYING?!?
No.
Does he feed him?!?!
Yes.
You’ve got to be kidding, right?
No.
Every question they asked dealt with that whole male conundrum of maleness. So often we think that fathers will not change, dress, or feed their children, but the truth is (I assume) that we do. It’s just not expected. And when the unexpected happens, we throw a big party.
So there we were, in the hallway, you throwing up on my shoulder, and the people around asking whether I would be man enough to take care of it.
They might not have understood the expression I gave them, little guy, but it was meant to say: “Are you kidding me?”
And that expression came in response to all the other junk I put up with throughout the day: Namely, the fact that no one believed I’ve changed your diaper, or that I’ve fed you. No one believed it. No one believed me when I said I’d rocked you to sleep, or that I’d put baby oil on your skin to reduce the cradle cap. No one bought it when I outlined the proper procedure for getting you through the day, and it all came to a head when I realized that everyone asked these questions of your mama.
No one talked to me.
No one believed me.
No one took my words as truth, even when I backed them up with: “You’re kidding, me, right? Of course I change and feed him.” Or even the: “Seriously, you don’t believe me? You don’t think I’d feed my own child?!?”
Instead of listening to me, they turned to your mama and asked if I was telling the truth.
No one believed you when you backed me up, and I think that belies the inherent sexism in being a daddy.
We’re expected to be unavailable. We’re expected to fail. We’re expected to not understand the child or how to raise it, and we’re expected to say things like: “His mother does that.”
We’re not supposed to raise you. And we’re not supposed to give you flowers.
I never understand crap like that. Who are the husbands to these women that they think that way.
Even if I didn’t want to do any of the things I do there is no way my wife would let me skate without pulling my share- and that’s a good thing.
It sounds like your coworkers need more backbone and less ignorance.
Nice last line, btw. Good stuff.
Blogfather,
I too have encountered such sexism as a Daddy of two girls under 2. I have come to the conclusion that the Husband/Father will not receive the credit and scknowledgment he deserves until his eulogy. That’s when it will all come out, “he was such a good father and loving care giver, yada yada yada.” Until then, the Husband/Father should come to accept that fact, be strong, and don’t expect any recoginition, because all the he does is subliminally recognized by the wife and children. The sooner the Husband/Father accepts that fact, the sooner he can become the solid rock (with no time for trivial petty needs for ‘pats on the back’) that every family needs.
Respectfully,
Imperfect Connecticut Dad
Bossy remembers this: It was 1957, right?
Jeez - calm down, Francis. Why are you getting angry at your coworkers? it sounds like you are deep down more upset about not getting recognition for being a great dad than you are happy and satisfied that you enjoy your child so much.
I think you should be sad at the apparent lack of involvement of other dads — not upset that people are so surprised you are so involved.
Not to mention the fact that a lot of people have the arrangement where the Mom stays home and the Dad works long hours. Yeah, 1950s…but it isn’t so backward. This means that the Mom, as primary caregiver does most of the work - while Dad earns the money. I would imagine that this is in play to some extent with teachers owing to their earlier hours….i.e. I could see a lot of the teacher Moms being primary caregivers since they get out of school at the same time their kids do. My wife plans on teaching when our 3 kids are school age — she stays home now and I work full time. I change diapers, etc - but wouldn’t be offended at all if others were surprised by this since my wife is quite clearly the primary care giver.
Sexism? c’mon…
Anyway, go buy yourself some flowers and pat yourself on the back.
I think Baby Daddy has a point. If he contributes to the “flower pot” for other teachers, then he should expect it in return when it comes to a joyous event in life. That’s too bad that you got a different experience in your work environment.
For my hubby, Chhimi, it was the complete opposite, he was thrown a baby-shower at his work when we were expecting our boy. I was invited, of course LOL. In fact, he relates more with the “mommies” at work because he is involved…so he’s known as “Mr. Mom”. As for me, I wasn’t even given a baby-shower. Just a regular lunch with my co-workers. What’s up with that?!
I think there’s just a generation gap at this point. Previous generations are hands-off from the Dads but nowadays, its awesome to see men be so involved! “Excellent Job Well Done” to all the involved dads!
Here here!
I work during the day, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t spend time and help out with the kids when I’m home (as I assume most Dad’s try to do as much as they can). I get home from work at 6pm every night. My routine goes - finish up dinner, have a little play time, and then move onto baths, teeth brushing, and tucking in - of all five kids. My wife does homework, sews or knits, or just relaxes. I feel like my wife has been home all day with five kids and needs a break. I look at it as win-win. She’s spent 8+ hours with them and is ready for a break and I have not seen them for 8+ hours and want to get my fill before they turn in for the night. It pisses me off when people are amazed that I actually PARTICIPATE in my children’s upbringing… imagine that?! GREAT POST!!
John: It’s also sexism if I should instead be sad for other children because their fathers are uninvolved, especially if I should assume “most” families have an arrangement where the mother is the primary caregiver. It’s offensive to treat any parent, male or female, as a token and ask how available they are for their own child — and I guarantee if a female, whose husband provides primary care, were asked the same questions I was asked, and with such smiling “ohmigosh” disbelief, she’d be pissed, too.
I’m just saying we shouldn’t assume anything ( I learned that when I watched the original “Bad News Bears” movie) negligent about other parents/people before we’ve seen that negligent behavior.
I gave myself a pat on the back, though, because this post was supposed to be a little more lighthearted than it must have come across.
Excellent post. Some women must think we live in the 1950s when women like June Cleaver did it all and husbands sat around and smoked pipes while reading the newspaper. I get that crap all the time too. Nobody believes me when I say that I give my son his bath every night. Or that I manage to get my son ready for daycare each morning. All. By. Myself. Because Mommy is at work early in the morning. Just because they married worthless lazy dudes, doesn’t mean they get the make assumptions about everyone else.
My former place of employment called it the “Sunshine Fund” -
Every year I donated - in the course of the three years I worked there I had a family death, I got married, I had a baby - I never ONCE received anything from them.
My husband and I each work 4 hours a day and are each alone with her 4 hours a day (and of course together as a family the other 16).
He sometimes gets the reaction you’re describing (and the one that bothers him the most is the patronizing “Ahh… she’s spending a little time with Daddy so Mommy can have a break!”). But most of the time he is revered and worshiped and everyone I know thinks I have the most amazing husband ever (which is true). I want to say “But wait! I change diapers and feed her, too! And I make half of this family’s money! Why am I not revered and worshiped?”
Oh well - I don’t mind so much since I DO have the most amazing husband ever (but it’s not because he does those diapers and makes dinner… it’s because both our daughter and I think he’s funny, smart and kind).
I hear you, bro. We are gaining ground but we have a long way to go. Don’t take it too personal. Your experience officially makes you part of the club of unlikely male parents. I kind of like being the underdog.
Ditto, Ditto, a thousand times Ditto! My favorite is the Dr.’s office. It took three trips recently before anyone believed me that my son was sick, and then I suspect, it was only because he started hacking up a lung in front of witnesses.
“Oh, dad couldn’t possibly really know when his child is sick. He probably just has a cold.”
From the “Oh, you cook?” comments to the “Are you sure you don’t need any assistance” questions at the baby store…being a dad is tough.
Ditto, Ditto, a thousand times Ditto! My favorite is the Dr.’s office. It took three trips recently before anyone believed me that my son was sick, and then I suspect, it was only because he started hacking up a lung in front of witnesses.
“Oh, dad couldn’t possibly really know when his child is sick. He probably just has a cold.”
From the “Oh, you cook?” comments to the “Are you sure you don’t need any assistance” questions at the baby store…being a dad is tough; and not because of the baby either.
I on the other hand, don’t have a measure to balance this off of. My baby daddy is no where to be found. I do everything. And I think that women who second guess things are just going on experience and not thinking.
I think sexism of any kind sucks. How about the people who look at me with pity because I decided to keep my child as a single parent as opposed to giving him up for adoption? yea. WE aren’t as evolved as we would like to think are we?
I get tired of the constant gushing praise my husband gets for taking care of the baby. He does a great job with diapers and bottles, and carting her around. But sometimes the “you must be the most helpful dad in the world” stuff goes to his head, and he feels justified in saying all the tasks he doesn’t like are “mom stuff”, like clipping fingernails, giving medicine, scheduling doctors appointments, and taking her to Gymboree. Changing diapers is great, but that’s not all there is to parenting. And I think that sometimes people like the teachers at your school have such low standards set for fathers that they are too easily impressed by basic efforts.
Great post. But I must say I’ve neve encountered anything like this as a father. Most people probably don’t think about it but it has to do with culture. And the culture in US is that mothers do everything and fathers do close to nothing. Most fathers do very little IMHO but there are of course many who are pehnomenal.
A quick comparison. I’ve been on paternity leave now for 4 monhts, got 2 more to go, and no one would think of having these kinds of stereotypes over here. Mother of father, it doesn’t matter in a gener equal country. What matter is if you’re trying hard, spending lots of time with your kids, and making your children a priority.
Like BOSSY said, are we back in the 1950’s or what?
AD
On the bright side of this particular stereotype, you’d never get blamed if you’re kids grow up to be poorly behaved. We’ve encountered similar stereotypes. The part where it’s the mom’s fault if the kids misbehave and where it’s dad’s fault when the kids aren’t dressed well or in the ‘right’ clothes are especially annoying.
[…] Baby Daddy is experiencing some Baby Daddy Sexism. Does he change diapers? […]
I went to a conference 6 weeks after my son was born and everyone kept asking me who was taking care of him. “His Dad of course!”
I then got to hear all these stories about how those women would never leave their kids alone with their husband and how could I handle the strain of not knowing things were being done “properly”. (I’m thinking - what’s he going to do? Cover them with jelly and stake them to an anthill? Yeesh!)
I kind of feel sorry for those women.
My personal favorite is when people say my husband is “babysitting” for me… Ummm, no — he is being a daddy! I feel really bad that there must, somehow, still be some daddies out there who really don’t pitch in, but I am glad not to know any of them.
I’m just going through this from a slightly different angle. Compared to many, I’m sure I do a fair bit of hands-on stuff. Yes, I do nappies, yes I’ll feed when I can, certainly bathe and play and get dressed and undressed and all that. But those bits are easy. It’s knowing what needs to be done that I struggle with, and what makes my wife feel like she’d doing all the work. Who DECIDES what he’s be wearing? Who PLANS what he’s going to eat? Who REMEMBERS where he’s supposed to be and when? Who NOTICES we’re running out of formula, or nappies, or he’s grown out of his vests. I could go on. But I think you know the answer to all these.
(Clue: it’s not me.)
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I went to a conference recently and when I told my mother the schedule, she asked “But who will take care of Zoe?”
Ummmm, her father?
Her reply? “So are you going to schedule extra hours for the nanny?”
Ummmm, no. Because her father can take care of her just as well, if not better, than I can. Why would I need extra nanny hours?
Talk about living in the 50s!
People don’t believe me when I swear my father participates in diaper changing, midnight runs to the emergency room, math homework therapy, school performances and programs of varying degrees of lameitude for his GRANDCHILDREN, just as he did for his children. I witness the same cognitive dissonance as you when I assure people I’m not exaggerating or making it up. Don’t despair though — you’re still doing it even if people don’t believe you, and you’ll wear stars on your crown in Heaven for being the kind of dad they all wish they’d had.
Aww, try not to feel so bad, but keep your head high and stick to those guns! All the baby literature seems to keep this (disgustingly inaccurate) notion that men cant or WONT care properly for children alive! I clearly remember throwing The La Leche Leagues “the Womanly Art of Breastfeeding” across the room when I had enough of their guilt mongering that I was gonna be the primary breadwinner and my amazing husband was going to be primary caregiver. The last straw was when they came right out and said “men CANT nurture a child like a woman can”. AAARRGGGH!!! And the parenting mags? Practically every issue contains an article on “how can I get the DH to help more with baby/house/pets/etc” I dont want to say its sexism…but then again maybe it is-just as some neanderthal men try to cling to their ‘traditional’ masculine rights (circa 1950, of course) Im sure there are some women who cling to their ‘traditional’ feminine privileges. Its wrong, but Its comfortable. Good for you for having the guts to be a trail blazer. “Daddy the Bottle Boiler” doesnt have quite the same ring as “Rosie the Riveter”, but hordes of women appreciate you, believe me.
[…] Ned Beauman wrote an interesting post today on Sexism in baby daddy landHere’s a quick excerpt […]
[…] Anything you can do I can do better! “Does he change diapers? Yes. Are you LYING?!? No. Does he feed him?!?! Yes. You’ve got to be kidding, right? No. Article from Blogfathers“ “My husband probably changed all three of our kids’ diapers probably 6 times in his life.” overheard. […]
It really sucks that you had this experience.
I have so much empathy for my husband. Sure, there are times when I feel big and pregnant and just want lots of attention, but it bothers me that no one (except me) really asks him how he’s feeling and doing. I hope that more dads and dads to be start talking about this fact openly. Even though you guys aren’t going through the same physical changes, there are so many other things that are happening to you too.
My husband and I have talked about this a lot. I always try to make it a point that we’re both expecting and plan (and hopefully will be able to) so that he gets to feed with the bottle after the first few weeks. It’s so important for dads to bond with kiddo in their own special ways — there is nothing like the face of a dad holding his little one. This is something so many moms forget.
Your wife is lucky to have you. Yeah, moms do a lot, but there are a lot of fathers out there doing a lot too. It’s not just taking care of the kid, but during the first few weeks, it’s helping, cooking, etc. These days parenting is a partnership.
I totally think you guys deserve a little more credit.