Lessons learned from a month of single parenting
Flagrant Disregard | September 27My Lovely and Talented Wife (LATW) has been on a business trip for almost the entire month of September so I’ve been exclusively seeing after the kids. I think the LATW and I normally split the household and child-rearing duties about 50%. And that’s by choice and as it should be. It’s the main reason I’ve been working at home these past years (and in fact I took a pretty large pay cut to do it back in 2005). But this is the longest either one of us has ever had to care for them single-handedly.
I’ve discussed this with a couple of moms this month and they agree: in some ways being a single parent is actually easier than dual parenting. For instance, any decision I make is final. There are no discussions with a spouse or overturned decisions and there are no sneaky appeals. I don’t have to compromise. I even rearranged our bedroom furniture.
And there are other benefits, too. I get 100% of the attention from the kids. And I feel like I’ve gotten to know them a little better and they me.
On the other hand, it’s a lot of work and can be stressful. The entire day, from the minute one wakes up until the kids go to bed, is an almost constant, frantic race. The kids going to school isn’t even a respite (a mere 3 hours for the Boy) because there is always laundry or cleaning or, in my case, running a small business to be done. It’s possible to be a single parent and do it well (if I do say so myself), but no matter how good I get at it I’m still just one person.
Which leads to confrontations like the one I had this evening with my daughter. I was preparing dinner and planning ahead to the logistics of getting one of them in the bathtub while the other did homework and getting them both in bed by 8:30pm. She wanted to play. I said I couldn’t because I was making dinner. She cried, all of the pent up frustration and exhaustion and missing her Mom bursting forth at once salty and bitter, rolling down her cheeks.
I didn’t have time for her, she accused. She looked so broken when she said that. And, in a way, she was right.
Although everything I was doing was for her and her brother, in many ways it was indirect, detached. Doing laundry, helping with homework, making breakfast, filling lunch boxes, shopping for groceries, earning a living… it doesn’t satisfy the same needs as playing hide-and-seek or curling up with a bedtime story does. And they’re each important.
It’s such a difficult balancing act, caregiver vs. dad. Two parents, who can take turns in the roles of Commander and Nurturer, are an unbelievable luxury in comparison.
I knelt down and hugged her but I still couldn’t give her my undivided attention (food on the stove). So I did the best I could and asked her to help me make dinner. She perked up after that. We reviewed the basics of boiling water and controlling the flame on the stove. They both helped season our meal. And we had a nice dinner together. I even sat down (briefly) before getting a head start on the dishes while the kids finished their meals.
My Lovely and Talented Wife will be home in just a few days. We’re all of us counting the hours.
[…] donderdag 27 september 2007 Aha… ze leven nog, ginder bij The Blogfathers. Even kijken… Sounds very familiar… […]
I often feel the way that you do. I get home from work and take care of dinner, clean-up, baths, & bedtime etc. (often concentrating on what needs to get DONE rather than the time I’m spending with the kids). My wife has an event tonight and I was fortunate enough read this before going home for the evening. I’m really looking forward to my time with my kids tonight, now. Thank you!
I grew up with a single mom and I have always attributed my high involvement in being a father to the fact that I didn’t have a father growing up. After reading your post I now think it’s also because my mother never could give me the attention that I have the luxury of providing to my kids. I’m so lucky I have someone to partner with in this parenting thing. I’m also impressed that my mother did such a damn good job raising me.
I find taking care of my son to be much easier when my wife is not around (not that I ever really want her to leave me alone with him). Like you said, we both have each others undivided attention. I find that my boy listens to every word I say, follows direction, and is generally more pliable when my wife is not around. I guess he knows that I’m no nonsense and what he can get away with when it’s just us. Plus I do all kinds of random stuff with him when it just the two of us. For example we walk over to the JFK airport hotels to watch husbands argue with their wives about how stupid they were to not have stayed at a hotel in Manhattan.
Chhimi, my darling husband, is doing an amazing job at being Mr. Mom 2x a week (because I have evening classes). Yes, they go out to eat more often than I would like but I also noticed Erik also bonded a lot more because of these 1:1 evenings, extra focused attention from Daddy, lots of playtime, and even new soothing techniques that only works with Daddy (and Mummy is not around). Maybe this is because both of our own dads were the traditional Asian men that are too conservative to show love and emotions to their own children, and we are trying not to make the same mistake?!
You have described a typical day in my household, and it’s been that way for four years. My hat’s off to you for surviving. While the “upsides” to single parenting that you brought up are quite true (especially that “my decision is final” one!), the lack of downtime can wear you out, eventually. Fortunately, my son is 15 now, has become very active with extracurricular activities, is a Boy Scout, and is involved with our church youth group, which allows me to grab an hour here and there to just chill and regroup. Sometimes the only time of day I get to do that after he’s off to bed at 10:00pm.
Thanks for sharing your experience!
I have to agree with the fact that it is nice having the have final say, without any debates. This past month my LATW ( I like that one) was away for a week and a day. A record for our family. Though I am a stay at home father, doing it all alone can be exhausting while rewarding also. I take a moment (usually sitting at the dinner table) and have each of my BAILG’s (Beautiful and Intelligent Little Girls) reflect on their favorite or most exciting part of their day, and try to praise each of them for at least one thing they did throughout the day. It seems to help us connect after school. I like the idea of them helping with dinner. They like to help with whatever, even folding laundry. Happy kids make a happy Daddy! I feel so blessed to be able to stay at home with my children.