Lessons learned from a month of single parenting
Flagrant Disregard | September 27My Lovely and Talented Wife (LATW) has been on a business trip for almost the entire month of September so I’ve been exclusively seeing after the kids. I think the LATW and I normally split the household and child-rearing duties about 50%. And that’s by choice and as it should be. It’s the main reason I’ve been working at home these past years (and in fact I took a pretty large pay cut to do it back in 2005). But this is the longest either one of us has ever had to care for them single-handedly.
I’ve discussed this with a couple of moms this month and they agree: in some ways being a single parent is actually easier than dual parenting. For instance, any decision I make is final. There are no discussions with a spouse or overturned decisions and there are no sneaky appeals. I don’t have to compromise. I even rearranged our bedroom furniture.
And there are other benefits, too. I get 100% of the attention from the kids. And I feel like I’ve gotten to know them a little better and they me.
On the other hand, it’s a lot of work and can be stressful. The entire day, from the minute one wakes up until the kids go to bed, is an almost constant, frantic race. The kids going to school isn’t even a respite (a mere 3 hours for the Boy) because there is always laundry or cleaning or, in my case, running a small business to be done. It’s possible to be a single parent and do it well (if I do say so myself), but no matter how good I get at it I’m still just one person.
Which leads to confrontations like the one I had this evening with my daughter. I was preparing dinner and planning ahead to the logistics of getting one of them in the bathtub while the other did homework and getting them both in bed by 8:30pm. She wanted to play. I said I couldn’t because I was making dinner. She cried, all of the pent up frustration and exhaustion and missing her Mom bursting forth at once salty and bitter, rolling down her cheeks.
I didn’t have time for her, she accused. She looked so broken when she said that. And, in a way, she was right.
Although everything I was doing was for her and her brother, in many ways it was indirect, detached. Doing laundry, helping with homework, making breakfast, filling lunch boxes, shopping for groceries, earning a living… it doesn’t satisfy the same needs as playing hide-and-seek or curling up with a bedtime story does. And they’re each important.
It’s such a difficult balancing act, caregiver vs. dad. Two parents, who can take turns in the roles of Commander and Nurturer, are an unbelievable luxury in comparison.
I knelt down and hugged her but I still couldn’t give her my undivided attention (food on the stove). So I did the best I could and asked her to help me make dinner. She perked up after that. We reviewed the basics of boiling water and controlling the flame on the stove. They both helped season our meal. And we had a nice dinner together. I even sat down (briefly) before getting a head start on the dishes while the kids finished their meals.
My Lovely and Talented Wife will be home in just a few days. We’re all of us counting the hours.
