Dealing With (Irrational?) Fear Of Pedophiles
AdventureDad | August 14I have a friend who is causing male teachers at her day care/kindergarten to feel very awkward. Her two girls attend a great day care/kindergarten in our area but she refuses to let any male teacher in the bathroom with her girls. Despite excellent reviews and employment records, no reported problems, and being extremely well liked by all parents. She believes the male teachers might be pedophiles and can’t be trusted. Way too paranoid or totally reasonable? Is this something you would feel comfortable with at your day care facility?
Day care teacher, or pedagog as we call them here in Sweden, is mostly a female occupation. But Sweden is almost gender equal and therefore you will also find some male teachers although the percentage is not high. The male teachers are often well liked and very popular among parents and kids. Not because they are better, they simply have a different style and give the kids other experiences.
My friend, a Latin woman, has such fear of pedophiles that she will not let any teacher help out in the bathroom at day care with her toddler girls. No change of diapers, no change of clothing, and no help with toilet visits. It must be a woman, otherwise inappropriate things could happen. Apparently, any male might be a pedophile. Every other parent is fine with the male employees helping out but she refuses to change her mind.
There is no reason for her fear, except paranoia. She believes male teachers at the school are pedophiles (it’s actually just two teachers we’re talking about). There has been no problems at the school before. No complaints, incidents, or suspicious behavior with her kids or anyone else’s.
I hate the attitude of my friend. She is trusting the male employees with her children’s life every single day. They hold hands while crossing the street, help them down the steep stairs, and make sure they are well taken care of at school. But they are not trusted enough to pull down her children’s pants in the bathroom.
If I was a male teacher at her school I would not put up with this kind of attitude. It’s demeaning and I can only imagine how they feel. If the teachers are so dangerous, why not change day care facility? I have fear of pedophiles as well but I try to keep my worries rational and logical. There is no way to be 100% protected but if we can’t trust the people at day care, then who can we trust?
Do you agree with her policy? Should male teachers at day care be banned from bathroom visits with the kids without any good explanation?
I disagree with her policy for the same reasons you do. I think if I was working as a man under such hostile conditions, I would probably object, myself to helping out with any “bathroom duties” for fear of being falsely accused of something.
I mean how many cases are there of people being falsely accused of pedophilia or incest based on something a child casually (or out of spite) says to their parent(s)? I wonder if you can ever recover from something like that?
Eh, methinks the person who has the problem with sexualizing her daughters’ toileting is the mom herself. One kind of has to wonder what attitudes her daughters are learning about men, about authority, etc. We all have our worries, but it has always seemed to me that a big piece of my job in parenting was teaching my kids how to reasonably assess and adapt to those concerns. Seems like your friend is kind of missing that piece.
This is a horrible policy. I would hope that the school administrators have a talk with this parent explaining that they support all of their employees, regardless of if they are male or female. To automatically assume someone is incompetent, or in this case a criminal, just because of their gender is not only wrong but I think it is illegal.
I’m sure this is not an isolated incident. I applaud anybody who chooses a profession where they are under constant scrutiny because of their gender. Here in the USA there has been a lot of focus on helping females achieve in typically male dominated fields, but there is still social backlash if men choose a “woman’s job.”
I understand the concern about abuse, and would sympathize with this woman if we were talking about a complete stranger or even a casual acquaintance. But this is a professional who is entrusted with the care of many children. To accuse someone of pedophilia without any cause can cause irrevocable damage to one’s life, both socially and professionally. I hope this teacher finds support from both the administration and community.
At my son’s daycare once they are potty trained they are no longer helped, in large part because of this issue. Diapering is also a big deal. They cannot change a diaper in a room without an assistant present and the transaction must be documented. That being said, while I fully disagree with the parent (I know a few great male early childhood teachers), I do think there may be a deeper reason for her fear. She may have abuse experiences in her past that she has not been able to reconcile, which would explain the odd behavior. Then again, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and she may just be ignorant.
All I can tell you is what is going on at our church… Male teachers are only allowed to take boys to the bathroom, while female teachers can take both boys and girls. Male teachers are not allowed to be alone with the kids, unless those kids are over a certain age (read: not preschoolers or young grade schoolers). Oh, and men who work in the nursery are no longer allowed to change diapers for ANY child - except their own.
While I can understand that we live in an age of liability, I find all of these precautions profoundly disturbing. My husband can change a diaper just as well as I can, and yet when we watch the kids in the church nursery, even though there are always two adults present, I am the one who gets to change all the diapers, excepting our son’s. There is something sinister implied in all these rules, and while I comply with them, I hate them.
Is it not true that a woman could be just as much at fault for inapporopriate behavior as a man?
I disagree with your friend’s policy for the same reasons as you. Also, pedophiles can be both men and women. Singling out the men as potential predators is simply prejudice.
If one has such strong feelings about pediphiles I wonder if this person has personal experience upon which to draw her conclusions; if so, she cannot be faulted. It can be an experience, culture, or some other factor. Or perhaps she’s just a nut.
Either way, if I felt as strongly about the situation as she does, I would rethink my options. Either I would find someone with whom I could rely and trust implicitly or I would choose to care for my own child until the day when the child was independent.
To faulsely accuse or imply that a person, any person, is guilty of this offence is SERIOUS business and should not be taken lightly. In my book, if an accusation is made, that person should be removed within minutes. That said I have had parents and children come to me and accuse (’my’)teachers of such crimes as a tool to get their way. (i.e. accusing said teacher of “beating me” while in a room FULL of two other teachers and 30+ children…read witnesses.)
The teacher HAD to be removed and the whole mess taken care of. I also had to take action with those accusers and remove them from my responsibilities. (Sorry, but if you accuse someone to get your way, etc., you are as bad as or worse in my book because you cause suspect on every situation as in “crying wolf”.)
This is stupid. And, quite frankly, a ridiculous gender stereotype of the worst kind. Does your friend not realize that it is equally possible that a woman could also be a pedophile? People use that term and they instantly think “male.”
Clearly this is a case of sexual discrimination.
This is ridiculous. Judging who should be around kids solely on gender means that children will simply be more vulnerable to homosexual pedophiles. ‘Women in the girls room, men in the boys room’ only protects you from heterosexual pedophiles, and greatly limits student-teacher interaction and protection.
Let women into the boys room and men into the girls room. Just inform the kids about correct and incorrect behavior. Teachers are in a position of trust with their students. No matter what the age, even in university, it is wrong to get involved with them. It’s better to identify the benefits of this chaste and platonic friendship.
Don’t say stuff like “he’s too old” because personally, when I was a kid I didn’t care about that shit and wanted to bone my science teacher with the wide fanny. But looking back, she really was a gifted teacher of chemistry and now I’m really feeling bad that I didn’t try to become a better friend and student with her.
That’s such crap. Though it does sound like she might have her own issues she’s dealing with, to project that onto innocent teachers is so wrong, and hurtful not only to them, but to her daughters. How are they going to grow up feeling safe in the world when mom says they can’t trust a beloved teacher?
Sure, we all want to protect our kids- it’s natural and it’s our job. We want them to be safe, and to be able to tell us if something should ever happen. But to encourage prejudice and a double-standard for no good reason… that’s sad.
Does she let her husband change diapers and clothing?
Statistically, HE is more likely to sexually abuse them than someone in a well-run daycare.
I absolutely deplore that attitude that every man is a potential pedophile. Ugh. As a parent, I take care to know our surroundings, to choose well in daycare and school and to make sure that the situation has the proper checks-and-balances to avoid ANY issue of abuse (by a male or female.)
But, ultimately, I feel that most people are good and I take a chance at trusting. If I didn’t do that, the world would become too scary of a place.
I also feel that my approach puts my children at no more risk than her approach does. Plus my children are poised better to have positive relationships with males (which, HELLO, will serve them well throughout their life but especially when they are grown.)