Spoilage: It Is What It Is!
Keith | August 11For the last couple of weeks I’ve been thinking about spoiled children. Horribly spoiled children. I think I may be the father of one such child. My family has often claimed that my boy is rotten to the core though I have vehemently denied those claims, as any self respecting parent would do. But in the back of my mind I’m forced to ask myself: Could they be right? Of the millions of things they’ve been wrong about could this be the one instance where they have hit the nail on the head? Am I in parenting denial? Probably.
As the parent of an only child I tend to not mind giving into certain requests. If we’re at the supermarket and there’s a random toy at the checkout line that he wants, I may buy it for him. Two dollars isn’t much to spend on a little kid’s happiness. If the boy wants a post card featuring the Statue of Liberty, why the heck not buy it? It’s only a buck and the kid is adorably fascinated by all things New York. A dollar is a small price to pay for a smile that will last ten whole minutes. I’m pretty much willing to buy him all the cheap trinkets he wants. I’m all about quantity over quality when it comes to my little prince [of darkness].
Then the kid sees a Toyota Tundra remote control truck in the window of Radio Shack and all hell breaks loose.
And herein lies the problem. I (really its we) give in to the things that cost a few dollars, but I (again its we) balk on the expensive stuff. The reality is that I still work in non-profit, and my wife is still a social worker - there’s only so much happiness we can afford. If I’m to be truly honest we have to think hard about splurging on anything over about $5. (We po’ - the new Hyundai broke the bank.) But the boy has no way of understanding the difference between a $1 post card and a $70 RC truck. So what we end up with is tantrums in the mall; epic meltdowns that leave people feeling sorry for the bad parents. After four years of being daddy I’ve learned to ignore gawkers and mean people, and I’ve also learned to accept the truth.
The truth is that my boy is spoiled. He’s cute, mean, and spoiled.
As you know, I have spoiled monsters too. I usually try to defuse the situation by pointing out something shiny and making promises of better things to come. Better being cheaper.
yowch - I feel bad for you. Just yesterday, I was getting a donut for my kids (2 and 4). Since we have a new one at home - my wife stays home with her while I take the other 2 to church.
If they are good and quiet, etc for the 45 minutes or so - they get a donut after. When we walked in the donut shop, there was a boy absolutely flipping out. I am guessing he was 4. All I could gather is that he wanted a Gatorade and his dad wasn’t getting it for him - nevermind the box of donuts that dad was getting. The kid was *screaming* at the top of his lungs. It was uncomfortable for everyone around - but his dad just merrily ignored the meltdown. I kinda snickered at the looks on my kids’ faces. They were right next to him totally staring as if he had 3 heads. They just couldn’t figure it out. Of course, I felt smugly proud of my angels (yeah - right - they have their moments).
But I couldn’t help but think that this was a perfect opportunity for the kid’s dad to teach him a very good lesson. 4 years old is way too old to be having tantrums, imho. Why not just leave? Take the kid out and tell him he gets nothing? If he keeps screaming bloody murder, take his favorite toy away? Keep applying pain until he realizes not to do it. Kids *want* discipline - and letting them control the situation through screaming and carrying on like that is doing a disservice to them. And 4 years old is old enough to understand cause and effect. If you act like a 2 year old, you lose food, toys, etc. Hopefully, it isn’t too late.
Interesting subject and good comments by John above. You sound a bit down about teh whole thing but your kid is still young in case you want to change some things.
My kids are not spoiled but they are probably privileged. Sometimes when we’re at the story and my son see something he wants I might buy it if it’s a good purchase. But if it’s just crap I can calmly tell my son and he’s fine with it.
It’s more common we buy something as a surprise for him when he’s not involved in the decision making.
I’m don’t want my kids to be spoiled but that’s just a personal preference. My son never throws tantrums for not getting stuff and that’s the way we like it.
Something that has worked very well for me has been honesty. I tell my kids exactly teh way things are and never lie to them. It makes things so much easier IMHO. I can tell my son we’re not buy that toy truck since it’s cheap plastic and it will break. Or perhaps I just tell him it’s too expensive or he doesn’t need it. And he usually agrees. It’s kind of talking to an adult which I really like.
I always keep thinking about the long term consequences. If a kid is very spoiled at a young age, what will happen as a teenager or later in life?
By the way, it doesn’t sound like your son is that spoiled, more as you like to buy him stuff:-))
AD
Great post, great comments. My two cents:
Back in the day we had five (count ‘em- 5!) kids and we needed to decide how to rear them on a contruction worker’s wages. They didn’t get everything they wanted, go to every party or wear what they deamed cool. We also expected our children to participate in service projects and volunteer in the community. That said they were very happy and content.
Little people are great. They are smart. And they will act and react just as we expect them to. If we want to “spoil” them with goodies -that is one thing. However we can teach them how to appreciate what we give them at the same time.
If we are diligent with consistancy our kids will KNOW what to expect and how to act/react when things go their way and when they do not. A smart parent can both spoil and train with splendid and happy results. The trick is to teach a child not to take the gifts for granted or to expect indulgence for indulgence sake.
See if you can find, even at this tender age, opportunites for your child to give or serve. Teaching them how to give is a great way for them to feel great about themselves and also appreciate when they are on the recieving end.
Admit it…you saw us with Clare in the mall this weekened…because you just perfectly explained what we go through. She’s also five (which I agree is too old for this) and an only child. We’ve realized that she expects to get something everytime she enters a store, so we’ve started saying no more often. Saturday she wanted some cheap toy that we have dozens like. We could afford it, but that wasn’t the point. We held our ground and carried her crying out of the store. I hope she learns the lesson before someone calls child services.
You did the right thing - and noone will call child services for a kid having a meltdown and the parents removing the meltdown from the scene. Speaking for myself - I much prefer to see parents doing something about a meltdown and acting appropriately - than for them to give in or completely ignore it.
Congratulations. It can be hard work - but consistency and discipline will eventually pay off.
I almost NEVER comment on my own posts but here I go: Some of the “humble opinions” (one in particular and I’m not referring to “the Boss” Adventure Dad) are just that, opinions. Developmentally speaking 4 year olds are not too old to have tantrums. I know this because I am married to an expert in child development and I run the day to day operations of the largest childrens charity in NYC so I have access to experts. And I asked them about it after I read the comments. “Heck, I know ADULTS that have tantrums” was one expert’s response. So to all of you parents out there with difficult children, please understand that you are not alone and that your child is (probably) normal. Secondly, in the future I’ll be more clear as to how I handled a situation. My wife and I removed the child from the mall and took him home, both of us holding one of his hands in order to ensure physical control of the situation. I know how to manage my son and his moods better than anyone else on this earth, including my wife. I take pride in that fact.
Great reply. You’re right…there are adults who have meltdowns too. I have to remember that even though my daughter acts very grown up sometimes, she’s still only five and developing emotionally and we should forgive a few meltdowns in the process.
My daughter is four and she has meltdowns sometimes. Hell teenageres have meltdowns when they can’t go to a concert or a party they want to…so what makes anyone think a 4 year old is too old…I mean lest we forget the slamming doors and the “your not fair and your the meaniest mom/dad” comments we made to our parents??!! I know for some of us its been awhile and we really werent’ that bad of a child..but for other like me…I admit…I had my momments.
I think your right AAD…our kids are spoiled…my daughter…she is spoiled b/c she is use to have the center of attention…she craves attention…I think she’ll be an actor…Please wait on a second child…if Devin is anything like my daughter (smart, minipulating, attention-seeking, bossy, comical) waiting is best!
Just wanted to add a quick thought…we’ve used this same situation to start teaching money concepts to our 4 year old, whose nearly a five year old.
Since he’s familiar with numbers, if we feel amenable to (and can afford) toy-buying, then we’ll tell him to find something he wants under a certain price (usually $5). In the past few weekends, we’ve offered him the opportunity to do a little housework (but not his normal chores) to do for pocket money.
I really hope to instill in him a better sense of what things cost and good use of credit/money tools than our parents instilled in us. We learned a lot the hard way but those bills will be gone soon enough.
All that said, we still have little guy meltdowns too. Our first step is to find a secluded corner for time-out. When that doesn’t work, we leave the store (he’s never been the thrash on the ground type).