No Kids Allowed? - Up Yours Or No Problem At All?
AdventureDad | August 2
There’s an interesting discussion going on at WSJ, (thanks Keith), regarding parties or events with a “no kids” policy. You might have read this section before, called The Juggle, which talks about “choices and tradeoffs people make as they juggle work and family“. They author describes a recent party invitation which did not include kids (take a look at the 200+ aggressive comments):
My husband and I received an invitation to a beach party this weekend. The event, geared towards 30-somethings, starts around 5 p.m. and includes games, food and cocktails. Since a sitter isn’t always easy to come by and the event seemed relaxed, I asked the host if we could bring along our 3-year-old daughter. The answer was a polite, but firm, “no.”
What would your reaction be after being told you can’t bring your child(ren)?
By the comments at The Juggle I can tell you that people have some very strong opinions on this subject. Some comments are fine but it seems like people with no kids are egoistic assholes and the ones with children simply irresponsible and incompetent parents. Quite entertaining:-)
Personally I don’t have a problem with events or parties that don’t want kids around. The few times I’ve been asked not to bring the kids it was no problem at all. I wouldn’t have wanted the children there anyway. It’s really up to the people organizing the party/event. If someone told me kids are allowed but they don’t want my kids around, then I would be disappointed.
I can understand that other people, mainly those who don’t have kids themselves, don’t want kids around. I used to be like that myself. Having children is a personal choice and I’m fine with whatever that choice might be.
Seems like many are forgetting an important part of having children, taking a break every now and then. Having kids is extremely demanding, even if you have “nice kids”, and getting away from the organized chaos is a relief. Doesn’t matter if it’s for a few hours or a couple of days, every relationship needs some time without the kids.
I have a three year old, and it is no problem at all if she is not welcome at an event. I think that it is completely up to the person having the event whether or not they want kids around. And, if I don’t want to get a sitter, I won’t go. I won’t be offended, and they shouldn’t either. Not worth getting exercised about.
I guess the ones I find sticky are those where I fell like I “must” go but the kids aren’t invited, or I don’t think they will have a good time.
I think what frustrates me is people who think it’s cool to act like supremely developed higher beings because they’ve (thankfully, har har) avoided having children. Like my kid was a disease.
That said, I have a kid, and I occasionally throw parties that any child (mine included) shouldn’t be at. And, obviously, I’m normal, so the same must be true in all cases. ;)
We’ve only experienced this type of party invitation, one time, and I hadn’t even delivered Erik yet. They were new acquintances from my work and Chhimi and I decided not to attend at that time. Not because we were “offended” but just because we weren’t up for it especially during that late in the pregnancy.
In general, we attended parties and banquets without Erik when we know that its geared for adults. If there were other kids there and I was asked not to bring mine, then I would definitely be offended.
I’d love to be invited to a party — any party, kids welcome or not.
Did somebody say party??
Why would I be offended? It’s not my party.
I’d think an adult party would bore kids to tears.
I’ve seen these discussions before and I know what you mean about the polarization. I don’t move in circles usually where my girls aren’t welcome but I sometimes leave them at home with my husband just to give myself a little space. Or I take them one at a time so it’s special for them.
My gang is now 11, 12, and 14 (great-granddaughters). It won’t hurt them to learn the world does not revolve around them and I don’t mind a few spaces in our togetherness.
I think sometimes, people just like to take the righteous indignation route whenever possible.
If there is a party that is “no children” then most likely it is a type of event that I more than likely would not want to take my child to in the first place. An “adult party” sometimes where the language is more..uh.. relaxed and free spirited, makes for an atmosphere where the discussions at hand are probably things I would rather not have my daughter hear.
Of course these same people that complain that are “slighted” when a party is “no children” would be the first ones if they brought their children to complain about language and topics of subject that are not kid appropriate as well.
Somehow this gets to “personalized.” Yes, like you said, if kids were allowed but for some reason my daughter wasn’t… well then I would be put off, but in an all-or-nothing situation, it is not about me or my daughter, it is about the host and what kind of event they wish to have.
To the complainers all I can say it, “It is not all about YOU.”
ugh. This subject is never fun, but here I go to add my two cents.
I feel that the person who makes the invitation has the right to invite whomever they feel for whatever reason. Adding that yes, there are times when adults need to be with adults.
I have issues with parents (or others) who believe they are the exception because their little precious is more mature or more socialized with adults, yada yada yada.
Example: I gave a baby shower for a woman who had waited YEARS for her adoption to finally happen. In the combined family alone there were over 75 women who recieved invitations. (We purposely did not invite friends due to the numbers) Thats a pretty large crowd. The new mom did not want children under twelve invited and it was politely written on the invitation.
You guessed it- we had over thirty (30!!!) under-twelves show up. Yes they behaved lovely and minded their manners. The big issues? We had nothing prepared for them. We had to serve the over 80 women who came (yup some brought uninvited adults guests as well) and find something suitable for 30 some little ones at a rented venue. There were games that needed to be adjusted (and explained to freaking death) because they required adult hands and brains to accomplish.
This party was expensive at the get go. Add thirty uninvited guests and adjust the entertainment and, frankly, I was a tad miffed. Mind you I was also miffed at the extra adults who showed up too. However, I did not need to rearrange the entire party to accomodate them.
Long story short: Sometimes there are reasons the guest list is limited.
I like parties where no kids are allowed. It gives us a great excuse to get a babysitter and go out and enjoy some adult conversation and fun.
When I was pregnant with my second, my OB/GYN told me something that his oldest son told him after having his first child (my OB’s first grandchild): “There are only two types of people - those with small children, and those without them.”
My husband and I have friends with kids and friends without kids. It is a standing rule that our kids are pretty much welcome without question at the homes that have kids, and that our house is open to kids coming over. We know those houses are kid-proofed, there will be toys to play with, and other kids will be there. I wouldn’t DREAM of taking my munchkins to our friends’ homes that have no children. I will have absolutely no fun keeping tabs on them the whole time, because the house is not kid-proofed and the hosts get nervous about having rampaging toddlers over. We get baby-sitters for those friends - or we have them over to our house, where they know what they are walking into.
The only time I’ve ever had a problem is when we were invited to a large party at my husband’s best friend’s house - he and his wife have two kids close to our own kids’ ages. So we brought the kids, naturally. After we arrived, we discovered that our hosts had send their kids off with their grandparents for the day so that they could have some “adult” time at the party. Um, thanks for telling us. No, we didn’t have a lot of fun that day.
My bigger issue is the guest who shows up for what is clearly an adult party (late at night, young crowd, lots of alcohol) and doesn’t understand why it’s a problem.
I don’t have a problem with a “no kids” party, as long as I’ve been invited in time to find a babysitter. The social problem we’ve been having lately is being invited to “bring the whole family” parties that don’t start until 7pm. When you start your kid’s bedtime routine at 7:40 each night, a 7pm party means disruption.
i don’t think people realize that no parent really wants to bring their kids to an adult party! it’s not like we go, “aha, this is my chance to annoy the hell out of everyone!” i think people should consider that it isn’t always possible to get a sitter and just relax. it’s usually the people without kids that object. they just don’t realize what parents go through. and they don’t realize that having kids around really isn’t that big of a deal.
It would be a nice change of pace to be invited somewhere without my boy. Everyone wants to see him so we’re constantly schlepping him around. I welcome adult-only interactions and I’d be happy to leave my son home.
I think it’s in fine style to have an adult-only party, in the same way it’s fine to invite the entire family. This doesn’t strike me as some negative and new trend, but something that’s happened for generations. I just think there is a heightened sensitivity among parents and non-parents about whether kids are welcome, which might spark this kind of debate.
I think it’s in fine style to have an adult-only party, in the same way it’s fine to invite the entire family. This doesn’t strike me as some negative and new trend, but something that’s happened for generations. I just think there is a heightened sensitivity among parents and non-parents about whether kids are welcome, which might spark this kind of debate.
This is an issue of basic etiquette. Read the invitation to see who’s invited. Don’t bring anyone not on the invitation. And “RSVP” means to respond whether you plan to attend or not.
Hi, I came to this blog by some other blog which is usually the way but I’d thought I’d offer some perspective from the other side of the fence.
My partner and I don’t have kids but we do have friends with kids. We used to tussle about having kids about at parties or not. Usually our parties are in the backyard, nothing big and special but we’ve had drinking at times and the conversations can get loud and rowdy. But we also had to figure on lack of sitters vs. time spent with people we don’t always get to see very often.
Finally, we stopped fighting and figured some things out. If the party is going to start late, that pretty much means the party is adults only. For parties that are more about being in the backyard on a good day like our annual Al Fresco Easter Feast, then we’re kid friendly. Alcohol (if there is any) goes into large plastic cups that are clearly marked with the person’s name. Our friends will bring activities for their kids or my partner will release her death grip on her Legos or the XBox with the rules clearly laid out about their usage (i.e. you take it out, you clean it up. Do not trash the living room). For the most part, this has worked out for us.
But we’re an individual case. We’re both in our 40’s and there was an expectation when we were kids (after the babysitter period) that if we did end up at parties with our parents (where there was drinking, lots of card playing and ribald commentary about the state of the world) then we’d act right, there would be no sulking, and we could escape when the social niceties were done. Otherwise you’d enter family lore: “You remember when X did this? Mmm mm, that was one bad ass child.”
Times are different now - as others have noted, people take these things personally. But I’m wondering if there’s a difference in party emphasis these days - gatherings that are casual/family/crazy folk that you know as opposed to others that have more of an event feel.