The Blogfathers

As many of you know, I have 2-year-old twins. As they have progressed from babyhood into the throes of toddlerhood I have had several people remark on how well behaved they are. And, aside from the occasional tantrum, they are very well behaved. Some would call us lucky but I think much of it has to do with how we parent. Our parenting philosophy is very simple: Reward the Good, Punish the bad.

This isn’t revolutionary. Behavioral Psychologists will tell you about operant conditioning where reinforcing behavior through punishment and reward can get a rat to make only left hand turns in a controlled environment. In a much larger sense, our kids aren’t that much different. They love praise and will repeat behaviors (sharing, for example) to get that praise. We also have used a “time out” with them as early as 18 months. We started at 10 seconds and are now at 2 minutes (1 minute for every year). The biggest key to this is consistency. They know that every time they break a rule there will be consequences. Even if we are feeling totally lazy, if a rule is broken we take the kid to the time out spot. Of course, if we see a behavior that we want them to repeat, they get praise (”Woo Hoo! Yay! Look at Swee’Pea sharing! What a good job you did!”).

I didn’t always have this philosophy. Prior to having kids myself I probably would have told you that raising your voice or even an occasional spank would be perfectly acceptable. In fact, I think this method of parenting takes a certain maturity that I did not possess in my twenties. In fact, I remember the exact moment when I was introduced to a different type of parenting that sticks with me to this day. And it was, in all places, under the Golden Arches.

About 10 years ago, I was eating at a Mickey D’s by myself one day when I noticed a mother and her small child who was probably 3 or 4 at the time. I don’t recall what they were eating but I do know it included a Happy Meal (and its accompanying toy) for the little boy. At one point the mother took the little boy to the bathroom to clean up. Upon their return, they found that a McDonalds employee had taken their tray and emptied it into the trash - toy and all. The boy, understandably, was upset and started to have a small meltdown over his lost toy. And this is the part I’ll never forget…

The mother knelt down so she could see eye to eye with her little guy. She spoke to him in a calm voice. “I know that you’re upset. The lady was doing her job and she didn’t know that you still wanted your toy.” The boy stopped his crying, clearly listening to his mother. “I’ll bet,” the mother continued, “that if you go up to the counter and tell them what happened, they’ll give you another toy.” And that’s exactly what happened.

I watched the happy little boy and his mother leave the restaurant and I could not believe that she had warded off a tantrum by using calm, rational words. Now that I have kids of my own, I know that she must have been consistent in this approach for the little boy to listen. And I decided then and to this day, that this is the kind of parent that I want to be. I want to be the calm parent who is conscious that how I act now will impact my children for the rest of their lives. Indeed, I am more conscious now than ever that I am not raising children. I am raising adults.

And I have a mother who took her son to McDonalds to thank.

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