It’s a Good Life
Shotgun Daddy | May 22The first thing you should know, just so you don’t start a letter-writing campaign to have me removed from the family, is that I love being a dad and I love all three of my kids. Love ‘em like crazy. Tonight, though, when my son asked me to read a Bob the Builder story before bed, this entire post was revealed to me. (I’m not sure you can call it divine inspiration; the truth probably lies somewhere between Muhammad’s visit from the Angel Gabriel and Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s opium induced dreaming of “Kubla Kahn”.)
Too often parents smile vacuously, just like the characters in the Twilight Zone episode in which Billy Mummy plays the monstrous little boy whose mysterious abilities terrify the entire town. As great as things are, as much as I love doing what I’m doing, there’s still room for improvement.
So here’s a list of all the things I’d wish into the cornfield if I could:
1. Lift-the-flap Books
In general, bedtime is funtime. Most of the books my children choose are fun — I could read anything by Dr. Seuss over and over, for example — but there are some books that make me want to gouge my eyes out with spoons. (Bob the Builder, Barney, etc.) The worst, though, might be the Lift-the-flap books. I think it’s probably because these books have nothing at all to offer except for the mysterious flaps. No plot, no character, no drama, no nothing. Consequently, all you want to do is finish the thing and move on to the next book — but the damn flaps keep slowing you down. Last night, if you can believe it, I had to read an Arthur lift-the-flap that actually had 26 flaps (one for each letter) one a single page. I ask you, what’s the point of that?
2. Play-Doh
On the surface, it sounds like a good idea. Crazy colors, crazy smells, and a hollow head that grows snakes of flourescent hair. The reality is quite different. The colors mix into a dull grey after two or three plays, or the cap falls off and suddenly your blue Play-Doh is hard, crusty, and useless. After a typical Play-Doh session you’re still finding hardened bits and pieces under your feet for days. And the best thing is that you’ll never run out of Play-Doh; you’re guaranteed to get more at each kid’s birthday party.
3. Kids Meal Toys
(If you’re one of those holier-than-thou parents whose children have never tasted the joy of a McDonald’s Happy Meal, skip to number four.) The McDonald’s toys are pretty good, but everyplace else might as well be giving out empty soda cans — the toys go straight into the recycling bin as soon as the kids turn their backs.
4. Birthday Parties
Before you freak out, I’m not talking about the birthday parties we give for our kids. Our parties are wall-to-wall fun for children of all ages. I’m talking about the parties we’re invited to. I don’t mind our friends’ parties, but can there be anything more painful than hanging out on the fringe of a group of strangers while a bunch of six-year-olds hack away at a piñata? Sometimes I feel like climbing up in the tree myself and asking them to end the misery by taking a few swings at me.
5. Caillou
My son is hopelessly addicted to Caillou. Combine that addiction with TiVo and the already incessant nature of a five-year-old boy and you have an unstoppable force reminiscent of the Perfect Storm. One funny thing, though. In one episode Caillou scolds his cat Gilbert for something or another. My son picked up on this, so now whenever he’s irritated with someone (or whenever he wants to irritate his sister), he mimics Caillou: “Bad Cat!” It’s pretty funny.
I could go on, but I’m sure people would start throwing stones if I did. Besides, I see some Play-Doh scraps that need to be cleaned up.
Oh the dreaded Caillou. I’m can’t tell you how happy I am that he has ultimately given license to my kids to whine, whine , whine.
Well I don’t totally hate him…I mean I suppose there is a lesson in every episode but good lord that kid can whine :(
I resisted cable for a long time so that my son would not watch TV. In order to give him access to Sesame Street, though, I caved enough to get the bare minimum (like $8 a month). No “on demand” channels means I don’t have to lie to my son to tell him that Elmo is not on right now… Priceless!
My wife and I just agreed that we would like to wish preschool homework to the cornfield. We trace, color, cut, and paste as a regular fun-time activity. When you are forced to do it with a four year old and it has a due date, that’s just crazy.
I’ll co-sign on the Caillou sucks thing. I’m not sure kids remember the moral of the story after all the fussing.
I’m with you on the ‘lift-the-flap’ books. My 5-year-old will bring one to me at night and I politely inform her that it is NOT a real book.
Yes, the lift-the-flap books are bad. Worse for me, though, are the books that have a set of pre-recorded noises with special icons that appear throughout the book, cueing you to push the corresponding noise button. Those things are torturous. We have 4 of them. Thanks grandparents! In my opinion, books should never make noise.
Those flap books are ridiculous. Not only do the pictures underneath the flaps fail to impress, but the amount of work required to actually lift the flaps leads me to believe they were never meant to be opened by children, only their compliant parents.
For the record, you can add some water to the Play Doh and it’ll come back to life. Other than that, I agree — it’s a gawd awful mess.
As far as Caillou goes, The Boy only saw it when he was real young and doesn’t remember. The Mrs., however, loves it.
I get freaked out a bit at Caillou because he always wears the same clothes, whines so much they could put on top of a firetruck, and looks like he’s going through chemo.
Sometimes I wish Tivo to the cornfield. The same miracle device, that allows me to watch the super bowl in peace after the kids are in bed, also is responsible for me watching the same two episodes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse over, and over, and over.