The Blogfathers

A few weeks ago your mom asked me what I would do if she said something awful during the whole birthing process.  See, she’s been reading the books that tell her the birthing process is painful, awful, horrible, no-good, very bad stuff.  She’s read that she might not be able to respond to outside calls or information.  She’s worried she might not be able to bear the pain.  She’s worried that she’ll vomit, that she might (my god!) poo, and so on.

From what I’ve read in the books, all of these things might happen, but your mom’s worried about more than that, little dude.  She’s worried she might say something terrible — something no one wants to hear.

I tried to calm her down a little by saying: Oh, man.  No worries.  of course you’ll say something awful.  From all the movies I’ve seen, that’s part of the process..  As a matter of fact, I remember an old Bill Cosby routine wherein he recalls his own wife screaming, on the delivery table: “YOU DID THIS TO ME!”

That’s old hat, as far as I’m concerned.  I’ve been prepping for that statement since I was a child myself.  I’ve listened to that performance on an 8-track back countless times in the basement of the house I was raised. It’s hilarious!

But I don’t think any doctor (nor your mom) would really respond to my constant laughing (during your birth) with a smile.  In fact, I think this would bring a little discomfort, and my knowledge of comic routines shouldn’t be the sole skill I bring into the delivery room.

When I recreated the Cosby routine, she didn’t smile.  She just rubed the outer wall of your room, frowned, and shook her head.  I guess people really don’t enjoy good comedy.

So, I had to ask her: What do you mean by ’something awful?’

She raised her shoulders, “Well, you know.  Like, what if I say $%&#?”

I put up my hands in defense, What?!?  $%&#’s not so bad.  That’s something we say every day.  We say that about the TV lineup for the night.  We say that about dinner.

“Ok.  What if I say %@#&?”

Seriously, one of my students called me a  %@#& today.  I just said: ‘No I’m not. You are.’  That’s nothing big.  I tried to brush away the topic.

She marched toward me, saying: “Oh.  Ok. So what about this?  What if we’re in the delivery room, and I say that you’re a %^$^@&$*(#^@^#)  *$@^!@*$&#&(@?”

But you wouldn…

“And then I said you were a %^%&, and that your mother was a #$%@!”  She pushed me.

But that’s just sill…

She pushed me again, yelling: “$^@#/’!”

That’s not cool.

“*#&@*  &$^@  #%#@^ ?%@%@##%!!”

Dude!  What’s with the hostility?

She crossed her arms and said: “%&@^ you!”

But you’re not going to say any of that.

“But what if I do?”

I just don’t see it happening.

“But that’s pretty awful, isn’t it?”

It is right now, but who cares if you say that during labor?  Say what you want, man.  Just don’t say anything racist.

This caught her completely off-guard.  She wasn’t prepared.

“Why would I say something racist?”

You wouldn’t.

“So why’d you bring it up?”

‘Cause you said you might say somethig awful.  I figure, if you’re going to say something awful, it had better be pretty surprising to me.  You’d NEVER say something racist.

“No %&#^@* way!”

Exactly.  So why are you worried about offending people?  If a doctor can’t handle a few swear words, he shouldn’t be in the room with us.  If he can’t take it, he can go #$%@ himself.

“Are you calling me a racist?!?”

No!  I nev…

“I can’t belive you.  You’re the most insincere, worthless….”

And she went on like Bill Cosby’s wife did in his comedy routine.  It was hilarious!  I clapped along and I tried to keep up with what I remembered from the routine, but she beat me to every punch.  She knew that thing by heart, little dude.  She knew that thing by heart.

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