Just Call Me a Bad Daddy
LA Daddy | April 14
Am I a bad father if I force my daughter to take piano lessons?
Hear me out before you decide. Many people lived through or heard of the horror stories of kids forced to practice everyday after school and how much it was dreaded. And there’s the hassle of expensive teachers, expensive books, and having to listen to your child running through the scales for 4 hours straight. Every. Single. Day.
Was I forced to learn to play? Um. No.
Do I wish I was? Oh, yeah… Why? Because every single time I see a piano I have this huge urge to be able to sit down and tickle the ivories. I’m a big fan of music and I’d love to know how to make it myself. I wish my mom would have forced me. I really do. I would have simply hated it when I was wee lad - I can almost guarantee that - but I would have thanked her for it as an adult.
L.A. Toddler seems to be as in to music as I am. I think it will probably be a big part of her life, too. She really likes to sing, let me tell you. But we’re not the type of parents who want to force our children to do anything. They won’t have to play soccer. They won’t have to do gymnastics. Only if they truly want to try an activity; that’s our plan.
Except the piano. I’m wavering. My mom says don’t force her. L.A. Mommy is ambivalent. What do you think?
One last thing - there are a lot more interesting and fun piano teaching methods than the “old school” lessons that were designed to create a concert pianist out of you. I’d just like her to be able to have fun with it, play a popular tune or two, be able to read music, and if she decides that she loves it and wants to become a concert pianist… she can take the more extensive lessons.
I have another year or so to decide, but I’m interested in what others think. I’m bargaining with myself that if I do force her — I’ll take lessons with her. That way we can be miserable together.
I think the offering to take lessons with her is a fantastic idea. It could really turn into something that the two of you get to enjoy together.
I never took piano as a small kid - I chose to learn the violin when I was nine and played in the school orchestra through my sophomore year of high school. My youngest sister did the piano lessons and quit this last year in favor of softball. She does appreciate the fact that she can read music, and she may decide to go back to it later - who knows? I am totally in favor of all kids getting exposed to music and reading music, because you never know what will pique their interest. She may decide that she likes a different instrument better after putting in some time on the piano.
And on a personal side note, a piano sounds much better than a violin when you’re learning to play. Just ask my parents, my siblings, and my dog.
My mom was a bit strange, so instead of piano, I was forced to take organ lessons. Organ. My teacher had all piano students and then me, the lone organ player. Anyway, I got pretty good at it after about a year of lessons, after which my mom decided enough was enough, I’d been exposed to it, time to let me make my choice, which was to drop the lessons. Thing is, it gave me an interest in the creation and playing of music, so I went on to take guitar lessons, which is still something I enjoy playing today. So maybe something of a trial-period to give her a taste for the joy of being able to play a song. THAT’s where the hook is.
I think it’s okay to make kids take piano lessons. I mean, we make them go to school, don’t we? My mom made all four of us take piano lessons. Some of us loved it, some of us hated it, but I think we are all glad we did it now.
I took piano lessons my entire childhood but mostly because I wanted to. It was only when I was a teenager, when the kids at thought it wasn’t cool that a guy should take piano lessons, that I wanted to quit. That’s when my mom stepped in and “encouraged” me to keep playing. I’m thankful today because I’ve made a very satisfying career out of my music, and I believe my mom played a role in that.
When I had my own kids, I let them take lessons when they started to show an interest. My first son took piano for about 5 years and moved on to saxophone later on in middle school. My other son took guitar for about 6 years and moved on to sports (skateboarding specifically). The only “forcing” role I played was keeping them on task for practicing. I never told them they HAD to take lessons and left the choice up to them. But I did tell them that if they were GOING to take lessons, they HAD to practice.
Unless the child has an inherent natural interest in wanting to learn music - it will probably always be a struggle to keep them on task. I always practiced every day because I wanted to play. My kids would only practice a few days a week if left to their own wishes - so I had to remind them daily to practice. That gets old after awhile but in the end they were better musicians because of it. They both moved on when they found other interests that were more important to them - and I was OK with that.
The point is - I think it’s a great idea to introduce them to it and see how they like it. But make sure the music is all about the child and not about you.
Holy crap, sorry about the novel. I guess I had an opinion.
Make her do it. She may or may not like it, but like you said she’ll than you for it when she’s older. No one has ever been scarred for life from playing the piano. I know too many bitter people that wish their parents had of put them into something and now they are miserable, talentless adults.
I took lessons but quickly got bored with only learning classical pieces. I’m going to encourage my children to learn to play an instrument.
Studies say that music trains the brain for higher forms of thinking. It doesn’t hurt to use the force for good. Just don’t insist on her joining a bowling league.
My parents let me decide after a couple of lessons, and of course I chose ‘no’. I really wish my parents had forced me to play. I freaking love the piano.
My wife bought me lessons for X-mas. Hopefully this old dog can still learn a new trick or two.
She may still be a little young. My parents tried me on the piano at five and it didn’t take it. At 11, I started again and stuck with it. I majored in music and studied harp as well. Currently a baby grand piano and concert grand harp dominate my living room. It’s always been a stress reliever for me.
I would recommend that you take lessons and let her try things out as she wants. I view it like teaching kids to read. We read to them and let them explore with books long before we expect them to truly read. Play for her, expose her to music, let her bang around on the piano. Give her time to explore before adding too much structure.
I “make” my daughter take Kumon. She’s very good in math because of it. When they take timed tests in school she’s always the first one finished, but she absolutely hates it even though she acknowledges she finishes first because she’s done some much of it in Kumon.
Other than that, I don’t make her do stuff, but if she signs up to do something, then she has to honor her committment until it is completed. For instance, if she signs up to play soccer, then she has to go to soccer practice even if it conflicts with that really cool birthday party, or to the game if it conflicts with the cool birthday party.
Just submitted this post to www.thebabybug.com
Being that I was a HUGE quitter as a kid, I regret not having a pushy mom who DID make me stick at anything.
I think there is a fine balance between encouragement and forcing them and I really don’t know how you reach that balance!
Like you, I won’t want to force any future children into after-school activities. Except for piano. Boy or girl they will be forced to play piano. For years. I started taking lessons at 2 (okay, so that might be a little early, but still) until I was 18. I hated every minute of it. well, at least a good 10 years of it at least. But looking back I can honestly say I don’t regret any of it. So a short answer would have been: not bad, good. Very very good.
I am with those that say encourage… even bribe (which is what you are doing by offering to do it with her. And that is not a bad thing by the way). But FORCE? Absolutely not.
Just because you wish YOU could play the piano is no reason that she HAS to play the piano. This is the classic, “living vicariously through your child.”
Personally, I am much harder on my daughter, when she wants to “quit” something because it is not as easy as she first thought, and I make her at least finish her commitment (end of season for soccer for example, or end a the “session” for gymnastics, or dance, etc). But these are always things that she has first expressed a desire to do. I have told her about some. Encouraged her to “give it a try.” But at no point do I tell her what she “MUST” do.
Growing up, my parents required that their three daughters learn a few things, no matter how they felt about it. Learning to play a musical instrument, drive a stick shift and speak a foreign language were not optional. It was never a must that we become masters or that we spend the rest of our lives doing those things, but we had to learn to at least stumble through them.
I took piano as a kid, and I lost that ability even before my early teen years. It wasn’t something that stuck, instead I switched and learned to play the flute. Thats something that I’m not very good at now, but I still know how. ‘
I can drive a stick shift. I might stall occasionally and I don’t promise a smooth ride but if ever I am renting a car in Europe, I have my bases covered.
I can speak a small amount of French and am learning Italian. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times those two have been advantages in my life. Whether that be flirting with an attractive man in broken French or putting it on a job application.
I cannot thank my parents enough for requiring those simple things. I only wish that they had pushed my a little harder to stick with piano. It would be nice to be able to play because I too itch to play whenever I see those ivory keys, and the only thing I can hit on a piano now, is the C key.
[…] The Blogfathers - LA Daddy brings up a real though provoking question, as he ponders whether or not it is right to force a his daughter to take piano lessons. […]
We gave our two eldest children piano lessons which they HATED. The piano teacher actually came and asked us to let them stop, it was a waste of her and our time. That said, those same two boys, now adults look at the parental units as if we were somehow neglectful in not “forcing” the issue. They totally regret us allowing them to “quit”.
I say, they go to school, they go to piano, and yup, learn that stick, learn another language, and mandatory voluteerism of some sort.
I dunno how schools are where you are, but given the miserable state of music education today, your exposing your kid to music might be the only exposure they have to it. I’m glad my parents kept me on task with trumpet lessons through highschool.
I have no words of wisdom for you but I will give you a little bit of insight I gained lately. My (adult) daughter and I, while reminiscing about her childhood, were talking about the time she had to decide between classes in gymnastics and ballet (finances, don’t you know). She considered for several days and finally decided she would give up ballet. As an adult she let me in on the workings of a 11 year old’s brain. She gave up Ballet because she knew folks got hurt doing that!!! So what ever you do…listen to their desires…then use your own best judgement!!