Seven Going on Fifteen
Shotgun Daddy | April 4When I was in the ninth grade I sat next to Andrea Meyer in Freshman Honors English. In many ways, Andrea was unlike anyone I had ever met. Her schoolwork wasn’t terribly important, she talked back to her teachers, and since this was 1983 her hair color changed at least once a month. Andrea’s rebellion wasn’t reserved for school, however. One morning she sat down next to me in a particularly foul mood and explained that her father had taken her bedroom door off its hinges because she had slammed it in anger one too many times.
She told me about how much it sucked to have no privacy, to have her phone conversations broadcast down the hallway, and to have to get dressed in the bathroom every morning. She wanted an ally, someone to share her resentment of her father, so I pretended that it was the most awful thing I had ever heard.
The truth, though, was that it was the coolest thing I had ever heard. And so as I was cursing her father, I was making a mental note: “Teenage daughter slams door, take door off hinges!” Surely, I would be the best father in the world!
When viewed from the safe distance of twenty-four years, this future father-daughter conflict seemed amusing. Quaint, even. Wouldn’t it be funny when my daughter came home one day to find a doorway without a door? Wouldn’t we all laugh about it years later when I told the story to her rebellious daughters? Wouldn’t we?
The truth, though, is that the slamming door is just a symptom, not a disease.
The bigger truth, is that my daughter is only seven, not fifteen.
Alison is our first born, a distinction that carries a significance that some parents are hesitant to admit. Angels sing and bells ring to announce the miracle of every child’s birth, but Alison was our first miracle. I still remember how nervous her mother and I were in the hours leading up to her arrival, and how excited we were knowing that we’d soon be a family instead of just a couple. When I close my eyes I can hear her quick, stacatto cries, see her eye lids shut tight against the first light she would ever see, feel the sweet stickiness of her newborn skin.
So how has this little angel become such a pain in the ass? Sometimes the two of us clash, probably because we are alike in many ways. Have you ever noticed that the things that bother you the most in other people are often true of yourself? I am almost never on time, but Alison’s tardiness makes me crazy. I’m terribly messy, but it frustrates me when my daughter doesn’t clean up after herself.
But there’s something deeper going on with us. There are moments in the evening, usually in the hour or so before dinner, when our whole family seems to be soaking in a vat of bubbling oil in the ninth circle of Dante’s Inferno. Kate gets fussy, Henry gets whiney, and Alison? Alison turns fifteen.
I always knew it would happen, but I thought I had at least another five years or so to prepare for the backtalk, the rolling eyes, the sullen looks, the stomping feet, and the indignant tone of voice. What I’ve found is that you can’t just take the door off its hinges; you have to look inside the room (and the mirror, while you’re at it) and see what’s going on.
Alison doesn’t treat Leslie like this (for some reason I am the target of her bile), and we have a few theories on this. Maybe she isn’t afraid of the discipline I hand out (timeouts) or needs more attention from me. Or perhaps she just flips a coin and it keeps landing on heads. Whatever the reason, these isolated incidents still hurt. I don’t think I will ever get used to the idea that my first born child can treat me with such disdain for five minues and then curl up in my lap only moments later.
So what should I do? Should I continue sending her to her room when she acts up, or should I go old school and have her chew on a bar of soap? Should I up the ante on timeouts, or should I simply ignore the whole thing in hopes that it will go away? I have no clue.
One thing’s for sure, though. I’m not ready to take the door off its hinges just yet. Tomorrow, though, might be a different story.
You’re asking me? No clue.
Although I think you might be onto something when you mention her wanting your attention. I’m finding with twins that we’re going to have to schedule in one-on-one time with each of them to make sure they feel like they’re connected to each of us parents. I imagine those same difficulties arise when you have multiple kids who aren’t twins. Maybe do some bonding with her outside of what you do with the others?
This was such a great post! The bar of soap trick reminds me of my father. If we sad a bad word, he’d threaten us with Zest!
I have no clue! But as a girl who lost her door for not cleaning her room, I have to say…don’t do that! That was not cool! And when I refused to make my bed, yeah, I lost that too!lol
You are the person from whom she is trying to get a reaction, so, yeah, take it personally. She is in an inarticulate way asking for something, and it may not be as simple as “attention,” she has a lot of competition in the house, and in life. The thing is, and this is a *completely* original thought-you need to maintain consistency. She may be trying to provoke you to gain attention (or confirmation of her importance), but she may also be testing you to establish your boundaries and consistency. She may be being prematurely 15 in part to prove your emotional safety, so don’t leap to thinking its that your discipline isn’t effective or respected.
As far as punishments go, try (and this is coming from the mother of a teen as well as a toddler) to remember that really only two things matter: the consistency with which they are doled out and that the recipient believes they are fair.
I over talk my daughter. If she ever gets mad, (ever? when!) and she gets sent to her room, she will know there is a long talk after words. She has grown to hate them (though we don’t say hate in my house).
I try to stop anything before it gets to me. A snotty attiude or rude comments are stopped mid sentence and asked if that is the way she should talk to me or anyone!
It mostly works, as anything does. She will blame me no matter what I do, so I just do my best.
Though it could be the whole “not enough attention thing” too.
My 3 years old son is already a teenage girl. It’s annoying. The stomping, the yelling, the door slamming. He even took it so far as to open the door when I knocked on it and rolled his eyes at me, “What. Mom.”.
He does it a lot more to my husband. Two reasons: 1) my husband changes the rules too much. He makes up random rules when things annoy him. He also tends to get stricter and stricter when the boy is misbehaving, so he keep raising the bar higher and higher until good behavior is simply unattainable. 2) I tend to use soft power instead of just making demands. I do make demands sometimes, but usually I’;; start with cajoling, and persuasion. I make whatever I want him to do sound like fun. Or give him a meaningless choice, instead of just saying, “Get ready for bed!!”. I’ll say something like, “Go get your pjs on, and I’ll bring up your milk so we can read”. It’s really saying the same thing, but my way is easier to comply with.
Whatever you do? Don’t take her door. It would be like takeing her privancy!
L.A. Mommy keeps telling me that Timeouts are not necessarily supposed to be a punishment. They’re a way to “step back” from an emotional situation and take a deep breath. A way to consider bad behavior.
And, like you’ve noted, your kids are three foot versions of you. It might not be a bad idea to give yourself a timeout next time she acts up. And then talk it out when everyone has calmed down.
Spend more time with her if you can. Let her know you are in her court whenever possible. This from someone who got little attention from either parent. Make her fee SPECIAL and LOVED.
Everything she says or does that may be annoying, or even “bad” may not be worth the fight. Focus on addressing the behavior you want to change (back talk is just unacceptable), and always look her in the eye when you do. Let her know how her behavior makes you feel. Be firm, but don’t let her see that you want to strangle her. If she has a cool bedroom with lots of toys and girly fun, or a TV, then that may be why sending her to her room isn’t effective. For severe behavior you may want to consider taking away play dates, constantly remind her why you did, and stick with it. My boss, a very respected elementary educator and mother of an 8 year old, took away her daughter’s Halloween costume last year on the morning she was to wear it to school. I told her she was horrible for doing that, and that she was going to parenting hell, but after she explained why it was done I was sold. Sometimes you have to make the tough calls that get their attention.
While doorslamming is a symptom of a larger issue; taking the door can be good medicine. Don’t be afraid to use it if the situation warrants it.
Hard to argue with what’s been said, but I figured I’d add some psycho-babble:
You, father-of-daughter, are the one that she loves more than anything in this world.
Moms and Daughters have a special relationship. But it doesn’t touch the father-daughter thing. You’re the one she’s trying to impress. She wants you to love her more than anything (dare I say, that includes the wife/mother). She wants to be your equal. She wants to be dependant on you. She wants you to think she’s the coolest thing on the planet. She wants to play Teap Party with you. She loves you and is in-love with you. Yet she has no idea about all this and really has no idea how to tell you about it. She wants your approval, wants to know what you think about everything she does. She makes mistakes and fears what you’re going to say. She gets into Princeton at 14 and wants to see your reaction.
You’re the gold-standard. And there are times she hates you for it. For the expectations you have of her. For your unconditional love. For being a parent and not a friend.
Relax, smother her with love. Try not to break this relationship. It’s the only one you get.
And, as I’m currently telling my 3 1/2 yr old, “use your words.”
Tell her how you feel when she acts like a beee-atch. Even at seven, she’ll get it.
A worthy read:
“Dads & Daughters” by Joe Kelly
There’s a reason that hour before dinner is called the witching hour. Google “witching hour parenting” for lots of tips on how to deal with it.
She’s old enough that you can even point out that “hey, the hour or so before dinner is sure a tough time for our family. What do you think might help us not all be so grumpy at each other.” Involve her in problem-solving. Maybe it’s a simple as having snacks to munch on.
I agree with consistancy as being absolutely key to rearing children, they need to know they can count on a set standard and reaction for the parental units each and every time. That, and being a united front…no mom this and dad that.
On the door slam: Make the punishment fit the crime. Dear ol ma used this on me and I on the five offspring in our house and IT WORKS!
“Dear, you seem to love shutting the door SO much I suggest you shut it quietly 50 times. Yes 50. Each time you shut the door you will inform me using an inside voice which number you are on. i.e.: (shut quietly) “one”, (shut quietly) “two”, until you get to fifty. If you get to 48 (or any other number)and slam it you will begin again at 1.
If you think I am kidding… try me and we will find another ’something’ you enjoy doing just as well.”
When she/he finishes, tell them “thank you” and that you “love [them]”. Explain that they “have EVERY right to disagree with you, hate you even, but they do not have the right to enforce their opinion on everyone else in the house. You may think what you will always, but you must respect the others in the house and keep it to yourself”.
Offer to councel with them if they want to then or later when they have cooled down. Let them know it is their choice, but you will always be there to listen and try to work things out.
I like this post—first off, nice writing.
Secondly, I have heard more then a few times that this behavior at this age is quite normal.
What to do about it? You have already figured it out. She needs to know you are still the boss, while at the same time you still think she is your sunshine. Tough balancing act.
I hear it gets worse so stick to your guns, with a smile.