Darth Toddler
Flagrant Disregard | March 21
The Lovely and Talented Wife returned from an excursion to our local mega-bulk-grocery store (Costco in these parts) with provisions. We do most of our shopping at the Henry’s market near our house but they just don’t have all of the items I crave. Coca-Cola, in my case. She returned with two cases.
The children wanted to help unload the groceries so I had the brilliant idea of letting them put all of the cans away. I have a mini-fridge in my office upstairs that these were destined for. I lugged them up and put the kids to work. And they loved it. And all was right with the world.
Later that afternoon the wife and I each enjoyed a frosty cold cola beverage and we couldn’t help but admire the children’s handiwork. The fridge was packed from floor to ceiling. Some of the cans were upside down, some were sideways. But it had a certain haphazard charm, a whimsical child-like aesthetic, all red and silver, and… Well, it was glorious. We both heaved a contented sigh as we closed the refrigerator door.
And then it exploded.
This, my friends, is why it’s impossible to prepare people to have children. It’s like being transported back in time to Greece in 400 B.C. and trying to explain what life is going to be like in the United States 2,400 years later. It’ll make a good story but no one will ever believe you. It’s why I always advise people who want kids to consider it carefully, wait until they think they’re ready, and then sterilize themselves.
Children aren’t born knowing that hot food will burn their mouths or that toilets are better than diapers. They don’t know that DVD players don’t like to eat boiled eggs or that cans of cola will explode if you put them in the freezer compartment of the refrigerator.
The consequences that accompany inexperience are often so spectacularly unexpected it’s hard to believe that Inexperience isn’t some kind of invisible force permeating every corner of the universe, an inescapable something that can be channeled and focused to explode cans of soda.
If Inexperience really is a supernatural force, my kids are both Jedi masters. I only hope I can teach them to use their powers for Good before it’s too late.
First, that hole in the DVD tray is the PERFECT size for an egg.
Second, some of us don’t learn this lesson until we go off to college and put our soda in our own mini fridge in our dorm room but want a cold one really fast so we put a can in the freezer and then fall asleep.
Ka-boom.
At least your kids learned their lesson when someone else would clean it up!
I’m still trying to figure out how the hell a six week old puppy knows not to just run off the edge of soemthing tall — say, a bed — but a year old kid doesn’t. One would think nature would’ve hard wired the notion of gravity into the human brain … one would be wrong, but one would think that.
Oh, and we learned a year ago that frozen veggies are a great ice pack when a year old kid doesn’t understand what happens when you run off the edge of a bed. Just an FYI …
(Oh, and long time lurker, first time poster.)
I read this twice, I found it that entertaining. Make sure they contain their hatred or they will turn to the dark side and do these things on purpose. LOL.
Did you make them clean it up?!?
Nah, they waved their hands and I cleaned it up.
this is funny!
You made my day ;-)
Hi My name is CJ, I am a blogger and soon to be father.
Oh my.. this is so hilarious. I have a 2 year old gal and she’s equally “destructive” :)
But it is still a blessing to have them.