A quick introduction… & warning
Kemp | March 16‘Please allow me to introduce myself, I’m a man of wealth, and taste… I’ve been arou’—, wait a minute, that’s not me…
‘I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die’… no, wait… that’s not right either…
Let’s take this from the top; Hi everyone, I’m Kemp of Kemp’s Blog. I am father to identical twin daughters nicknamed The Peanut Butter & The Jelly, and I am one of the newest additions to The Blogfathers family…
My daughters are going to be five years old in 2 months, and I’m here to offer this grim assessment instructive tidbit about twins to parents of younger twins or parents who are expecting twins…
Twins can and will conspire against you…
For your consideration, I present a flashback of sorts… to a time when my daughters were two years old… and I was teaching part-time at the local college. Imagine if you will, twins playing quietly with one another in their playroom… no crying, no tantrums… nothing.
You’re at the dining room table, grading papers… you get up, go into the kitchen to get another cup of coffee and one of your daughters follows you in and asks for a drink of water.
You get out a cup, but she doesn’t want that cup, she wants a different cup…
You get the cup out, find the lid, pour some water into it, and give it to her. She drinks it, looks behind her, says ‘all gone’ and hands the cup back to you before going back to playing. You put the cup in the dishwasher and go back into the dining room when… Oh. My. God.
When you get back into the room, the girls are playing in their playroom, but the papers you had been grading… they’re strewn about the place…
They’re everywhere; on the floor, under the table, ‘on top of Ole Smokey’…
EVERYWHERE.
You spot a trail of papers leading to the playroom so you follow them, picking them up as you go.
You reach the playroom, look down at your daughters, who look back up at you with those adorable bright eyes, smiling, and they say ‘Hi Daddy’…
You’re defenseless… and it’s that moment that you realize that you have just been played by a couple of Master Conspirators. These two put Brutus and the other conspirators to shame…
You think to yourself… “They couldn’t have done this on purpose could they? Yes, they were trying to get the papers earlier and you said no, but… one of them wouldn’t say they need water while the other…nah, couldn’t be.”
Yes. It could be.
About two weeks ago, they did it again, this time against my wife.
My wife had brought some cookies home from the store, and the girls were told they couldn’t have any until after dinner.
As my wife is putting something away in the linen-closet, The J comes into the hall and asks for help in getting her hair-thingy out… it takes awhile because The J decides to have a fit, which is something she sometimes does when her hair is being touched/washed/brushed/looked at… this goes on for about 30 seconds. My wife gets the thingy out of her hair, and the J turns around and walks into the front room… it’s at that moment that my wife sees The PB hand The J a cookie. Curious as to how she got them, she walks into the kitchen and sees the cookie bag open on the counter and surmises that The J was the beard and The PB was the talent… working together to get the cookies… one distracting, the other operating…
Besides the obvious thought of taking them on the road as professional grifters racing through my head, I also have to admit to myself that that is pretty damn shrewd… but… let this be fair warning to all you twins/multiples parents out there as this is what you have to look forward to… they’ll conspire (even if they’re not near a fire), they’ll plot, and they’ll scheme… anything to make our lives… interesting…
… and yet, I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
That’s hilarious. Maybe they’ll turn to using their powers for good.
Geez! And I thought the Olsen twins were bad.
Before I got pregnant back in ‘03, my husband used to say that he wanted me to have twins. While I told him he was out of his mind, I sometimes wish I had had twins (we had a daughter in ‘04) since we’re not having anymore. This post is absolutely tremendous and hilarious.
What do you do when you have TWO evil twins?
Somehow that doesn’t surprise me. Now that you are aware, you can combat this.
Maybe you should have another child so they can be your eyes…
Oh my God how cute is that.
Ah, life with girls. They should tell you these things happen before you sign the contract. Just imagine what we’re in store for during the teenaged years. I’ll meet you ate the pub.
As a mother of 15-year-old twins, I can totally relate. People used to look at me in disbelief when I told them the stuff my two little ones could get into - and these are girls!