I Don’t Either Want To Go
AdventureDad | January 31Donald Crowdis, a 93-year old blogger, wrote a really short and emotional post a couple of weeks ago. He’s talking about something I also think of often, not wanting to go. Donald doesn’t want to die and still has much to experience. He says,
At this age, I must say that I do delight in people’s amazement when I tell them how old I am. But under all this is the knowledge that I am the oldest male on either side of my family, maternal or paternal, and I know I must go fairly soon. I just don’t like the idea.
I’ve floated on the remark “Been there, done that” for some time now, but the notion that the moment is approaching when I can no longer say this bothers me. The truth is, I don’t want to go.
I’ve had a great life so far and experienced far more than any normal person does in a lifetime. I’m only 40 years young but still find myself thinking of death quite often. It’s difficult to explain it clearly but I ‘m basically afraid of dying. Does anyone else feel like this?
It’s not that I’m constantly shaking with fear and can’t leave the house, don’t want to go for a mountain bike ride, or take a flight somewhere. It’s mostly when I’m with the kids I discover that I really want to hang around for a while and see them grow up. My ultimate goal is becoming a grandfather. Something I’m almost looking forward to more than being a father.
I would love to see my kids grow old. This either makes me a really concerned and caring father or an egoistic asshole. You see, bear with me on this philosophical rant, maybe the only reason I want to see the children grow up is for my own benefit? To see them grow up, go to school, have girlfriends, and have kids some day. But do I wish that for my own personal enjoyment? To make my own life more meaningful and complete? That would make me an egoistic asshole.
The right thing would be wanting my kids to grow up because I love them and want them to have a great life. It should have little or nothing to do with me or my feelings. But I’m not sure I feel 100% that way. I guess that makes me part egoistic asshole. Regardless of what it makes me, I feel just like Donald. I don’t want to go.
It’s amazing. I never once thought about my own mortality pre-child. the moment my little girl came into this world, I was screaming at the people on the road for driving like ass-hats, for fear that they would end up shedding my mortal coil before I could see my girls grow up.
When my dad was dying of melanoma, he said the hardest part of dying was knowing he would never see me become a mother. It was something we had talked about my entire life…making him a grandfather. He was the man you would stop on the street to coo at babies and little children. He loved their innocence and zest for life. Their ability to fall down, cry and then get over it just as quickly. My mother doesn’t want grandchildren as she thinks it will only prove that she is old. My boyfriend’s father could care less about grandchildren too. But his mother had the same feelings of loss as my dad did when she was dying of cancer. It sucks that we lost the 2 parents who actually gave a damn about our future children (if we decide to have them). Our kids will never know the full grandparent spoiling love that his mom and my dad could have provided and that is tragic. Bless you for wanting to see your grandkids. It’s not egotistical…it’s about three generations of love.
When my dad was dying of melanoma, he said the hardest part of dying was knowing he would never see me become a mother. It was something we had talked about my entire life…making him a grandfather. He was the man who would stop on the street to coo at babies and little children. He loved their innocence and zest for life. Their ability to fall down, cry and then get over it just as quickly. My mother doesn’t want grandchildren as she thinks it will only prove that she is old. My boyfriend’s father could care less about grandchildren too. But his mother had the same feelings of loss as my dad did when she was dying of cancer. It sucks that we lost the 2 parents who actually gave a damn about our future children (if we decide to have them). Our kids will never know the full grandparent spoiling love that his mom and my dad could have provided and that is tragic. Bless you for wanting to see your grandkids. It’s not egotistical…it’s about three generations of love.
I was wisely counselled once to not focus on what you haven’t done in life, but what you have done.
I keep a document called “Don’t Cry For Me” where I list out what I have experienced. So when I die, it will say “Don’t Cry for Me…
…I’ve played golf in Hawaii.
…I’ve been snowmobiling in Wyoming.
…I’ve been to the Super Bowl.
…I’ve seen beautiful sunrises.
…I’ve had the perfectly cooked steak.
…I’ve tasted very old and expensive wine.
…I’ve been loved by a beautiful woman.
…I’ve been called “daddy.”
…I’m home.
This is just a partial list, but you get the idea. The greatest tragedy is not to die young, but to not enjoy life.
I lost my dad when I was 27 & my mom at 32. I am missing out on so much advice with them gone. I get scared that if I left my kids that early, they would be left out, too.
I think about my own death a lot more now that I am approaching 40. I thought I was the only one, but it crosses my mind several times a week, the “if I died today…” thoughts. I, too, want to see my children grow old. To see them live their lives as adults. I’m not so sure I am afraid to die, I just don’t want them to grow up without a mother and I surely don’t want to miss anything.
I had my own near-death experience about 18 months ago; just couldn’t get healthy, long battle of illness. It really puts things into perspective. You learn to focus on the majors in life and cancel out the minors in a new way. Especially where your children, family and friends are concerned. In everything, you begin to ask, “is this important, when all is said and done, is this going to matter?” Life really does take on a new meaning.
By the way, I love your layout!
When I was a young girl, I was consumed with thoughts of dying. I really, really, really didn’t want to die, EVER. Yes, I was scared of leaving this earth and not being able to share or witness the lives of my family and friends. Today, at 36, I can see there will be a day that I am ready to pass on, but not until I see my children grown and my grandchildren thriving. But ask me again when that day comes…..
It really saddened me when my ex-husband (44yrs old) was dying of lung cancer and he said, “I’m not worried about dying…I just don’t want to leave our son.” This was a very hard time for me and my son.
I think about dying all the time. I’ve always been afraid. Now more than ever after seeing someone so close to me in age dye. And I definatly don’t want to go. I’m 44 this month. I’m trying to focus on enjoying my life and to stop thinking about the end.
I really enjoyed the post by Brad about the list of things done while alive.
I don’t think you are alone in your thinking. There are a lot of us that don’t want to go for whatever reasons we have. Is it selfish? Yes. Is it bad? No. What’s so bad about wanting to live? I love life!
I believe everything we do for or because of our children is in some way a little selfish. To speak for my wife and I, we wanted to have children not for any unselfish “populate the earth” kind of reason. We wanted children for us…to be able to share love, to teach, to know that we could sustain other lives beyond our own. We want our children to grow up and be responsible and successful adults, and to some extent, we would be proud because we knew WE did right by raising them (even if we may have had nothing to do with their specific life choices that brought them to that point).
My wife and I skirt around the issue of death as much as possible. She refuses to discuss the inevitable, mainly because she lost her father at a very young age and he was heaven and earth to her. I seem to still think I am somewhat invulnerable, even though my immortality is becoming less likely as I gradually ease into the mid-30-something territory.
My mother-in-law now lives with my wife, myself, and our 2-year-old and 11-month old. I have both of my parents still with me. With my parents getting older, all I think about when it comes to death is making sure my kids are taken care of if something should ever (knock knock) suddenly happen to me. I hope that I have the same fortunate pair of dice that my parents had getting to see me grow up and have a family of my own.
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Is it necessarily asshole-ish (y?) to be egoistic, or selfish, or self-interested? I don’t think so. Your reasoning may be selfish, in whole or in part (I think in part), but it’s the selfishness of love. There’s no avoiding that as a parent, and there’s nothing assholey about it.
Yup. Actually everybody feels like you do. Once you have a kid, you’re no longer the kid and you awake in the knowledge that you are raising your own replacement. See poem below.
(btw: the feeling then passes once they get old enough to play ‘cars and trucks’ with you and you remember why you had them.:))
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My son, my executioner-Donald Hall
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My son, my executioner
I take you in my arms
Quiet and small and just astir
and whom my body warms
Sweet death, small son,
our instrument of immortality,
your cries and hunger document
our bodily decay.
We twenty two and twenty five,
who seemed to live forever,
observe enduring life in you
and start to die together.
~~~Donald Hall
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