The Silence of the Lamb
Hygiene Chronicles | January 13Last week, I wrote a post on my blog about my son being in his first Christams pageant. His church does this every year and it’s reserved for kids 4 and up. So this year, the boy made his debut…as a sheep.
All four year olds got the choice of being an angel or a sheep. My son chose to be livestock.
The skit was pretty well organized. They had three kings, a bunch of shepherds, Mary & Joseph and even a little Jesus…named Elizabeth. Rehearsal began at 4:00 and we were to all show up in the church at 5:30. As we entered, it was chaos with two crying sheep, and angel who wouldn’t wear her halo and three kings who were trying wrestle each other without spilling the Myrrh. The real Jesus probably found it quieter in the orginal stable.
It turns out, one of the crying sheep was our son. He didn’t want to be on stage anymore. After a few minutes of trying to persude him, we said he didn’t have to sing and started taking him out of the sheep costume. And then the protests began.
While he had no interest in performing “Away in a Manger”, he was perfectly content being a sheep. Lightbulbs started going off how we might be able to have him return on-stage.
“You can keep the sheep costume on only if you sing.”
“All the other kids are having fun singing. Don’t you want to have fun too?”
“Do you want to see yourself on TV later? You can if daddy can video tape you, otherwise no watching yourself.”
“Santa doesn’t like it if farm animals don’t sing.”
For five minutes we bribed this kid with every we could…favors, treats, crackers. (For the record, I ate the goldfish crackers when he didn’t want them.) As the last goldfish went down, I suddenly realized that this pageant wasn’t for him anymore… it had become about me.
OmiGod, I had volidated the cardinal rule of parenting…let your kid find his/her true joy with what he wants to do and then appreciate what they love. I, of all people, was wanting my child to do what I wished for him and was ignoring his own wants.
(Savor the irony, mother.)
With that, I put the video camera down and pulled him on my lap. “If you don’t want to sing, you don’t have to. And you can wear the costume if you want as well. It’s Christmas Eve adn it’s about you. If your happy, then I’m happy.” We settled back to watch the pageant.
After a minute or so, he leaned back and looked at me with a smile. I felt a special father/son moment coming on.
“Can I have the crackers now?”
Busted.
Isn’t it amazing what we can learn from our kids? I love that.
Um, but isn’t it also important to teach them to follow through with something that they commit to? But what do I know, my son is 7 months old. :P The only thing he has to commit to right now is which toy to chew on.
I think teaching the intricacies of “commitment” to a 4 year old would be like teaching the infield-fly-rule to a Brit: probably not going to get it no matter how many times you say “if there are runners on base with less than two outs…”.
1) a four year old is not going to fully appreciate the idea of “commitment to others”. He cares about his needs/fears, not about The Three Wise Men saying “What’s up with Lamb #2, he’s such a prima donna.”
2) Like the tree falling in the forest, is it a “commitment” if no one cares whether you break it. I would think that in this case “the others” he’s made a commitment to are not going to care if Lamb #2 sits in the audience.
3) Hopefully the teacher/director/producer has seen this before and expects at least one performer to walk off the set– and can move on when it happens. Making the idea of commitment a little more fluid.
If the child in question were 12 years old, participated in weeks of rehearsals and the rest of the cast depended on him to say “BAAAAA” at specificed times in order to further the plot, then you’ve got yourself a parenting/teaching moment about the importance of “commitment”.
At four years old, this seems like a great opportunity to teach him that you’ll love him regardless…
And the lifelong invaluable lesson about goldfish crackers: there are two kinds of people in this world; the quick and the hungry.
What a great post. I was just out blog walking and loved this post so much I wanted to at least leave a little comment.
I have caught myself in those situations once or twice myself. I know the feeling of “what have I done” and the good feeling when you learn your lesson that follows.
And Kristen, I think The Beans Dad has it about as perfect as you can put it. At six, I am just starting to try and teach my daughter commitment to the activities she joins, but at 4 a child really has no clue what you are talking about yet.
I agree with Kristin above, I would have made him follow-through with it.
My youngest brother was like that growing up and the guy still can’t finish anything since my parents gave-in to his insecurities. I may be looking into this way too deep (since he’s 4), and this could have been way different, but that’s what I would have done…
How long do you let a your kid get away with it?
Ahhhhh, now there’s the crux of the issue:
How long do you let a your kid get away with it?
The first thing that I wonder is: Does a four year old see the situation as “getting away with it” and what’s he/she getting away with? Personally I don’t think a four year old is working at that level yet. I don’t see him/her thinking to himself: “dude, mom and dad signed me up for this bunk-ass Christmas pageant. Let’s see what I can do to get out of it. I know, after I’ve happily participated in the rehersal, I’m going to have a complete meltdown and refuse to go on. BUT, and this is the best part of my plan…. I’m going to insist on wearing the lamb costume. ‘Cuz sitting in the audience wearing this is going to score big with the chicks.”
My point is that a four year old is not trying to get away with anything. The four year mind doesn’t work like that. His/her needs are coming from a more base level– fear, anxiety, fatigue, hunger, etc.
Second, if you “win” this battle and the kid goes on stage, what have you won? Congratulations, you have just won a child that resents you, the teacher, the costume, church/school (the insitute putting on the show), and possibly the holidays in general. Maybe the resentment would be temporary. Maybe not. There’s a good chance you’ve ruined any opportunity for a second chance to participate in plays/pageants/concerts/anything in front of people– the kid now associates holiday Christmas pageants with your disapproval instead of your love and support.
As a bonus, you’ve also won the angst and disdain of an over-worked, stressed out pageant director. The LAST thing that person needs is a kicking a screaming kid on stage.
Third falls under the category of Pick Your Battles Wisely.
Is this the time and/or place to go to battle? And what are you going to battle over? Who’s needs are you meeting by forcing a four year old to do something he/she really does not want to do? Is it going to make you feel good to see your toddler dressed as a lamb on stage crying?
I come at this issue having just gone through a similar situation with my 3 1/2 year old. We signed her up for a 6 week dance class. She enjoyed the first six weeks and then right after I signed the non-refundable check for another six weeks her excited waned. At first she just didn’t want to go in for the first five minutes of class– something about not liking “the get ready part. But after a couple weeks of this she stopped wanting to go in at all. I negotiated and tried to convince her about all the fun she would have. Nothing doing. Eventually we bagged the last three weeks. I figure we can revisit the dance thing later. But if I had forced her to participate we’d never be able to try again because of the negative associations she’d have. (And I’m not really sure how I would have accomplished forcing her to participate. I picture me physically putting her in the room and her screaming and running for the door, over and over and over again until the teacher and other parents lynch me.)
Now, whenever we drive past the dance studio she asks “Is today a dance day?” or “someday I’ll do dance class again.” We’re doing gymnastics instead and that’s going very well so far.
So if four is too young to teach the commiment lesson, what age is?
I don’t know, we haven’t found it yet. I’m guessing it starts at around 6. Maybe some parents of older children can help us out with their experiences???
At my 3 yo girl’s Christmas school program this year, she ran off the stage 3 times mid performance to giver her teacher (sitted in the first row) a hug… It was so adorable, I couldn’t for a second be angry… Luckily, there were probably 100 kids on the stage, so all attention wasn’t on her. But she was the only one that left the stage… Too cute they are!