Favorite Child
AdventureDad | October 27
Since having my second child a couple of months ago I’ve realized there are new challenges with having children, instead of just a child. One thing became clear almost immediately, the older sibling is the key to a smooth running family. Thankfully that has worked really well so far. Another issue I’m thinking more of is how to be fair towards both children and make them both feel equally loved and appreciated. The important question, uncomfortable for many to discuss, is how to avoid having a favorite child. I’m sure most parents try their best to distribute their love evenly but I still wonder how it feels on the inside. When you listen to what your heart has to say, do you love one child more than the other?
Loving one child more than another is perhaps not desirable but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. A parent can still be totally fair and treat the children equally well. My parents did a decent job with me an my sister although I wish I could go back and undue many things. I always got more attention and publicity because my sports career and my sister was forced to tag along on many trips in our younger years. It must have been incredibly boring. She did so without complaints but I wish both me and my parents had acted differently. Did they love her less? I would say no. And today I believe they like/love her more because she lives near my parents and tend to go along with whatever they believe. Which is fine with me. Looking back in the rear view mirror is always easy but I will try to learn from my experiences as a youngster and to divide my attention more evenly among my kids. I will also make sure that my son is a much better older brother than I ever was.
The first couple of months with my daughter have been a little tough since I like to be very involved as a father. And mommy is definitely the main attraction for her because of the breastfeeding. The two-way interaction is also very limited. The last week has been great though and I really look forward to a few months of parental leave in the spring/summer. The relationship with my son is really amazing and I honestly don’t know if I will feel the same for my daughter. Probably sounds bad but it feels like that right now. Regardless of feelings I would never show my kids that one is more special than the other. That would be cruel. I do see this behavior regularly and it makes my skin crawl. I can just image how terrible it must feel for a child as they get older. To know that a brother or sister is the preferred one can’t be a good confidence builder.
Do you have a favorite child? Is it a struggle to always be fair to the children as they get older or does it just come naturally?
Have a nice weekend!
Favorite child? No. But maybe I favor an age. I believe lots of people have a favorite age they love children to be. Say Frank loves young kids because he loves to play, but Peter loves older kids because he thinks he can relate better to them on a more conversational level.
Make sense? In that way I can imagine people perceiving him to prefer one of his kids over the other. But it’s really not the case.
I also think it depends on the day. It’s really hard to act like you love someone who is giving you a hard time; such as a 4-year-old who acts up constantly to get attention from his baby sister. That’s rough but you don’t love the older one less you just don’t like them very much in the moment.
Besides, when it comes to your children I believe you always love them more then life itself and that is separate from your feelings about them when they are misbehaving. Misbehaving (hopefully) is a passing moment, but loving your child is what you are.
Unless you are a scumbag and then all bets are off.
Having a 3 year old and an eight month old, I feel what you are saying. When it was just the first boy he was my everything. Now, that attention is divided.
I think Maxie Mom may be right. I hope so.
It’s not that I love Thing 2 any less, but after two children I’ve decided that the first year is not my favorite, and unfortunately for him that’s where he is. My experience is that we will grow closer as he grows over the next few months.
I don’t think a good parent loves one child over another. But I do think that we might *like* one child over another. We have more in common with one child vs. the other, or one child is so much like us in all the bad ways that it can be hard to be around that child occasionally. My son and I are so much alike: we’re both stubborn, we both want to have the last word, we both like to argue. Of course, I’m the adult in the equation, so I often stamp down those feelings of “But I’M right,” or “That’s not fair!” I still feel them, though. I love him with all of my heart, just like I love his sister. I get along better with her, though.
I think it goes the same for the kids. My son clearly prefers his dad, I think because they’re so dissimilar tempermentally. My daughter prefers me because I do all the “girly” stuff with her. They love us both, but sometimes they like one parent over the other.
Having twins this is something that has come up in my mind from time to time. There are times I prefer to spend time with one over the other. Is that loving one more? Sometimes it feels that way but then a week later I’m swinging in the other direction.
The difficult part of having twins is that I have never had one-on-one time with either of them for more than a couple of hours. You’ve had that with your oldest for quite some time and I imagine you will have to build that up with your second. At this point, I imagine, you just know Daniel better. That will change over time, I’m sure.
Right there with you in the whole feeling a bit on the sidelines because of breastfeeding thing. I can’t remember worrying about that with my first child, probably because I didn’t know any better. I’m also there with you in the concerned that I may be developing a favorite child thing too. I’m just hoping that as the baby grows and becomes more interactive that things get balanced out. After all I think my love for my daughter virtually doubles every day I spend with her, so I’m sure that will be the same for my son too - she just has a bit of a head start on him, thats all.
I totaly get what you are saying here. I feel the same way. I think you will always have a special place in your heart for the older/first child. I think that is just the way it goes. I struggle with this everyday.
I don’t have a favorite child, they all irritate me equally. :)
However, I’ve got a 13 year old, a 4 year old, and a 2 year old. I end spending most of my parent time with the 13 year old. Not because I love him more, but because his activities are more suited to having the traditional dad figure. Hunting, Boy Scouts, lawn job, hiking, fishing, etc.
Now, for some of these activities, you can take the whole family. But for the most part, it’s not feasible to take the two little ones. As a parenting team, we have to split up to cover all the bases. I know my wife feels left out when we go charging off into the woods. I feel like I’m missing some cool stuff with the little guys, but I’m not going to prevent, or ignore the activities of the eldest.
It’s not a perfect world, but we all do the best we can.