Things a Man With a Kid Shouldn’t Do. . .
Sweet Juniper | June 26I while back I came across this article from Esquire Magazine titled “59 Things a Man Should Never Do Past 30.” Apparently a book of such lists has also been published.
I turn 30 next year. That means I only have a a few short months left to do the following things:
- Hang art with tape.
- Shout out a response to “Are you ready to rock?”
- Sleep on a bare mattress.
- Wear Converse All Stars with a tuxedo.
- Sport an ironic mustache.
- Purchase home-brewing paraphernalia.
- Put less than ten dollars’ worth of gas in the tank.
This article was accompanied by “Things A Man Should Never Do Past The Age of One”
- Get circumcised.
- Spend more than ten minutes looking at a checkerboard pattern (exception: peyote users).
- Look longingly at his mother’s breasts.
- Urinate in his mouth.
- Cry at the sight of a wooden spoon.
- Eat pureed Wheat Thins.
- Go willingly into the arms of strangers.
- Lose neck control.
- Wear a unitard.
The positioning of these two lists made me wonder if there shouldn’t be a third list, “Things a Man Shouldn’t Do Once He Has A Kid of His Own.” Now I’m not the one who should be writing this list, given that the only thing I can think of off the top of my head is:
- Ride a skateboard.
Can anyone think of anything else a man shouldn’t be allowed to do once he becomes a father? Really, such a list should be written by someone like Metrodad, who, it seems, spent his twenties spooning caviar and cocaine off a Czechoslovakian model’s asscheeks while riding jet skis along the Amalfi Coast with Ricardo Montalban to stop by Tom Ford’s birthday party before catching a flight to JFK so he could make that scheduled pickup game with the New York Knicks starting roster and then smoke mad blunts with the Wu-Tang Clan. And that was just his average Friday schedule.
But I’m serious about the skateboarding. One thing that drives me crazy about living in San Francisco is all the old people skateboarding. Please, if you’re over 30 or have a kid, buy yourself a goddamn Segwey and accept that you are lame. No gray hairs allowed on skate boards! No balding guys allowed to use words like “ollie” or “shred.” Please, unless you’re Tony Hawk or you can point to vintage footage of yourself in Dogtown and the Z-Boys, get off that skateboard old man.
I don’t mean to be too harsh. I know there are plenty of old dudes who enjoy the sport for its own sake; I also know that there are a lot of old guys out there who think the fact that they are still skateboarding makes them cool.
Last week, greg at daddytypes featured this article about the growing popularity of longboarding among dads, describing longboards as, “the hottest thing in skateboarding — for adults.” [shiver] No, sorry, longboarding cannot be “hot.” That annoying Mormon chick from Real World New Orleans was doing that like ten years ago so there is absolutely 100% no way that longboarding can be cool. Please, dads, don’t try. Here’s a statistic from that article: “In 1998, a U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission study said 80% of the then-11.4 million U.S. skateboarders were under 18.” There’s a reason that there is so much attrition among skateboarders once they reach their twenties: they grow the fuck up.
I haven’t written much of anything about that stupid “GRUP” article that was in New York Magazine a few months ago, primarily because I loathe when journalist types cream in their Woodward and Bernstein underoos at the opportunity to identify a “trend,” give it a catchy name, and attempt to create a taxonomy of people based on shallow stereotypes and misinformation. But this section from that article did stick out to me:
We might consider, then, the case of Chad Ruble. At age 32, with a wife who was four months pregnant with their first child, Ruble had a bright idea—he decided to take up skateboarding. “I had never noticed that there’s a half-pipe at Chelsea Piers,” he said. “I thought, Too bad I’m too old to do that. Then I thought,I’m not too old!” So he went to Paragon Sports in Union Square to buy some skateboarding gear (avoiding the hard-core East Village skate shops, because he found them too intimidating). “I was heartened because there was another older guy there getting a whole setup, too. I was like, Oh, cool. I’m not the only one,” he said. “Turns out he was getting it for his kid.”
Ruble need not have worried, though—once he hit the Chelsea Piers half-pipe, there were lots of thirtysomething guys skateboarding there, along with the usual kids. So he mounted his board and set out on the pipe. He hadn’t skateboarded since he was 12, but it turns out he still remembered most of the moves. Until his fourth try that is, when he wiped out and dislocated his shoulder. “But I was having the time of my life,” he said. “Those four times were really fun.”
I’m going to have to give it to Chad: he saw his wife’s waxing uterus and decided to give it one last shot. But Chad, buddy, please tell me you’ve hung up your dorky helmet and knee pads now that your kid is here.
There are rules, dude.
Listen to rap music in your car with the windows down. Reserve this practice for your MP3 player….
Those lists are great. Can you imagine putting less than $10 of gas in your tank today? It would just get you to the next gas station.
Dude, by your guidelines most of the best skaters in the world should stop skating. Koston, Burnquist, Way, Reynolds… just to name a few.
I don’t know, I really like saying “Are you ready to ROCK!” shaking the hear, with the mock finger lighter in the air way too much…
The only thing I have given up now, is trying to tell other people what to give up. Because for every one thing I think somebody should give up, there is somebody else thinking that something I do is something that should be given up.
For example, I think once you hit thirty, unless you are Mr. T (and I believe even he gave it up now) give up the 9 bazillion gold chain bling-bling look.
But, I still have and use a Playstation 2, which many people have used as an example of “men today refusing to grow up” and things that should be discarded.
So if I don’t want to be judged for my toys, I will not judge anothers.
Just my couple of copper coins.
don’t take this too seriously, y’all. it was meant to be funny. the truth I couldn’t give less of a fuck if you’re a dad who skateboards. but I do reserve the right to laugh at you if you start acting like you’re too cool for school.
Get off my lawn!!!
Exactly! when you’re a dad you’re supposed to shaking your fist at teenagers on skateboards, not hanging out with them.
No play stations once you’re
over thirtya dad.I haven’t caught on yet to the mormon thing you’ve got going. Guess I’ll have to keep reading.
Well, it was funny, but perhaps not in the way you intended. More of a “oh, here’s Dutch trying to pick another blogfight” funny. You seem to spend a lot of time and energy writing about people and things that you “couldn’t give less of a fuck” about, and if you’re not about stereotyping people, then why peg guys like me (37, long-time skater/surfer) as guys who haven’t yet grown “the fuck up”?
I’m with Jason.
Pick “another” blogfight? do you really mean that, jason? seems to me that if you’re still skateboarding at 37, then you’re probably proud of not yet having “grown the fuck up.” Why be so defensive and nasty?
I’m with Jason, too. God that Dutch is such an asshole. Skate or die, bitches!
Dude, Dutch, you’re so out of touch. I mean, it’s not like someone’s written a whole book about this or something.
Except this one guy, who did write a whole book about it: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1400080886/104-1979816-8725523?v=glance&n=283155
Thank you for your compassionate piece on Lionel Tate. You have no idea of how correct you are in surmising that his life would have turned out completely different had he had the benefit of a Father in his life. He has asked me for two years now to try and locate his father for him. He wants so desperately to have a connection with John Tate. Unfortunately, the desire for a relationship is and has always been entirely one-sided, John, much like Kathleen, is totally indifferent to Lionel, and could actually care less what becomes of him. I have never known such terrible parents before in my entire life. This poor young man has truly experienced nothing but Hell since his earliest recollections. What you have recently heard about abuse is absolutely TRUE and is only the tip of the iceberg, it is criminal what she has done and continues to try to do to him.
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Hey Dutch Dude and readers,
I believe if a father wants to hang out with his kid and show him something fun to do, then what is the harm. Fathers and sons should bond and share something that they can keep with them for life. I strongly disbelieve that old guys(like myself 35)are not skating to be cool. If one was to disect what cool means, it is doing something you enjoy and are passionate about. Skateboarding is an art that can be apprecaited by both sexes and all ages. Remember the old Powel Peralta Videos with the search for animal chin. Now that was an old guy and I thought that was cool back then. Sharing something in common. I myself do not have any kids. After an old back injury came back to haunt me, I started seeing a chiropractor and I am more than happy to walk again. As a matter of fact I feel so good now that I bought a new complete board two weeks ago and I just bought another one today. Remember when Skateboarding almost died. Who kept it alive the old schoolers. Who keeps it growing new schoolers(the gromits). We both skate. How about we all get off our forever growing butts and have a sess. Are you ready to Skate? Lates going to the skate park… peace
I personally love vintage toys. It’s fun finding the toys you had as a kid, or the ones you always wanted.