The Man in Between
Hygiene Chronicles | June 17This weekend I will spend Father’s Day with the man who made me a son and the boy who made me a dad. Because of distance and living arrangements, it’s not often the three of us get time together.
I love to watch the interactions between my son and his grandpa. There is a side of both that doesn’t exist when I’m in the picture; a simple innocence which each shares with the other. I’m just the man in between.
I grew up not really understanding my father. We lived in the same house and yet a million miles away. I held him responsible for anything that went wrong with our relationship. At 6, 11, or 17 years old, I never fully understood the many aspects of being a father and husband.
He had to provide for a family in addition to just being a dad. I can’t even imagine being the sole financial provider for food, clothes, vacation, cars and a mortgage. My dad put two boys through private school. He lost and changed jobs. He buried parents and moved homes twice. He was a little league coach, a cub master, and full-time chauffer of two active kids.
As we grow up, it’s hard to understand the pressures of making that world balance. Trying to be great as a parent, an employee, a husband and all the many roles he filled, takes a lot skill. And frankly, a lot of mistakes. I judged him pretty harshly sometimes for the standards I created for him without really giving him the chance to know exactly how to meet those standards. Decades later, I now realize the countless emotions, fears, expectations and anxieties that he must have contended with during those years.
When I became a dad, my world changed. There was a child for whom I was now responsible and I would have those same emotions, fears, and anxieties. Even though duties are shared between four parents, I feel an enormous weight on my shoulders of being a caregiver and provider.
I understand what it’s like to be a man in so many proscribed roles. It’s amazing my dad balanced as many as he did because there are times it feels like I’m just treading water.
When I became a father, my dad’s role changed. He didn’t have to provide for this new life; he only had to love. He only had to be a grandpa.
As I watch my dad with my son, I see him in a different light. The man I thought lacked emotions, is filled with them. The two of them catch bugs, go for walks and giggle. My dad sits on the floor playing games him; he cuddles and rocks him; he makes funny faces and noises. He understands a world in which farm animals can talk and a spaceman and cowboy can be the best of friends. And he totally gets that a dinner can consist of goldfish crackers. Not burdened with the daily grind of providing for a family, he became the father I wanted back then.
There is a saying that we always want to give our children more than we had.
My son, I give you my dad. Love and cherish this special man, as I now know I do. He’ll always be there for you, just as he’s always been there for me – and as I’ll always be there for you.
Lately, I have been thinking a lot of that responsibility to balance work, husband and father. Your father should hold a seminar on how to do it well. It sounds like he’s a great Grandpa and you’re a great dad. What a legacy.
And yet another wonderful, insightful entry about fatherhood and the many ways it changes men as parents. I have been encouraging all of my guy-friends to check you guys out to see why I’m hooked on reading you all every day! Keep up the wonderful posts and thank you for representing the human-side of daddies everywhere!
“And he totally gets that a dinner can consist of goldfish crackers”—–Classic, Classic.
Awesome post.
This in my teary eyes,is your one of your best works.
Power to the Goldfish !!
Hi there, it’s nice to read this beautiful post. Indeed, I’ve made a short review on it, if you’d like to come by. It’s What Men Said about Father’s Day
Thanks and Happy Father’ Day :).
Too often I get lost in my own mothering world and forget that my husband is also trying to figure out all of this parenting stuff. He leaves every moring at 5 and comes home at 7. He does this at least 6 days a week. Thanks for reminding me to consider how this affects him. I can’t imagine how hard it is to be the sole provider for the family, as well as being a father when he is home. Your post is sincerely appreciated.
The ‘Grandpa’ that my son gets is the father that I had multiplied. I understand the joy that you derive from presenting this MAN to your son. What better gift could be given? This is an excellent piece, thanks for sharing it.
(wiping eyes) great post. Just great. (sob)