Dear Daddy
Child's Play x2 | June 14Hi Dad.
This August it will have been 29 years since that fateful day. The day your life ended and my life changed forever. I’m not sure if I’ve told you this since you left, but I miss you so much sometimes. I was only six when you died and I was just beginning to get to really know you. Now, when I close my eyes and try real hard, I think I remember you but I can’t really be sure. I see your face and I remember bits and pieces - like your smile or the way you smelled. The rest, I’m afraid, just might be figments of my imagination fueled by old photographs and stories culled from family members.
I don’t remember your voice. I don’t remember your touch. I don’t remember you ever telling me you loved me. But I do remember some things. I remember you playing with my little brother and calling him your “little bear.” You rolled on the floor with him and blew raspberries on his belly. It is the one memory I have where you are acting like the father I so want to be. Everytime I blow raspberries on my son and daughter’s belly, I think of you.
That’s right, you’re a grandfather now. It’s something I’m sure you would have been good at. JT and Bri would have loved you so much. Now that I’m a father, more than ever, I have come to realize how much I missed by not having you around. I missed playing catch, going camping, having someone to talk to about girl stuff and how to be a man. I had to figure that out almost on my own.
I hope you’re proud of the man I’ve turned out to be, Dad. I’ve tried so hard to always do what’s right. I’ve tried even harder to be a good Dad myself. Everytime I hold those beautiful babies of mine somewhere, in the back of my mind, I think will this be the last time I hold them? If nothing, you leaving me has taught me to take nothing for granted - especially being a father. I love those little ones so much - as much as, I imagine, you loved me.
And that is the real reason I’m talking to you today. For so long I was angry at you for leaving me. I would sob myself to sleep as every fiber of my being ached for you to be with me again. For so long I pretended that you leaving me didn’t matter - in fact, I’m embarrassed to say, I sometimes told myself that I was better off. I know now, how untrue that is. I know now, how much you must have hated leaving me that day. I know now how much you must have loved me. I know all of that now because I’m a father too.
So, thank you Dad for loving me - even if you could only be with me on this earth for a short time. Even though I’m about to turn 35 years old, in many ways I’m still a little boy reaching out for his father. And I know now, as I look into the eyes of my own son, that you are still within arms reach. And in that thought, I feel comfort.
In a few days, Father’s Day will be upon us. It will be my second Father’s Day. And while I’m playing with JT and Bri, I will be thinking of you too and hoping that you know how much you still mean to me after all of these years.
Happy Father’s Day, Daddy. I love you.
Guy, I haven’t shed a tear in what seems like years. You made me cry like a baby. Thanks, I needed that.
I lost my father at the age of 18 but, as he traveled a lot for business, I probably didn’t know him much more than you knew your dad. I too have somethings that I remember but not a lot.
Losing him early, I think, has caused me to focus much more on my kids. Everytime I walk out the door to go to work or on a business trip, I too worry if that’s the last time I’ll see them. I try to control it but it’s there.
Don’t take things for granted especially your kids.
Thanks for writing the piece with such heartfelt emotion.
Wow!
That was beautifull.
I lost my dad at 16, and I feel like you read my mind to write this. The struggling to hold on to fading memories; the agony of the loss; the fear of losing people, of losing that love again.
That fear, combined with my undying love, is what compels me to tell Mama that I love her every time we part ways, against all of my socialized male instincts to be tough, stoic, and silent. Because I know that it in a heartbeat we could lose each other, and I would want her to know that I love her.
Morbid? Desperate? Perhaps, to someone else. To me, it’s a reminder not to take these moments for granted and a reminder of what’s truly important in this life: life itself, and the love of our family.
Thanks for reminding me again of what’s important by sharing your memories of your father. As long as you carry your love for him in your heart, he will be alive, and your children will know him through you.
[…] Oh, and while I try and figure out what to write about for Kara’s Five Days for Dads, please go over to see my latest post about my own father at The Blogfathers. Filed under: Fatherhood — Matthew, Copyright (c) 2006 @ 5:49 am […]
Thanks for the excellent post. I lost my dad eight years ago when I was 20. I wish so much that I could share my little boy with him. While he had workaholic tendencies, when he was around he knew how to have fun. And like other comments, I’ve noticed that I say “I Love You” more often, as I worry about losing another loved one.
I can’t stop crying. My dad was killed when I was three. You said everything I have been thinking. I will think of your father on Sunday as well Matthew. Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing something so personal.
I was stationed in Germany, when my dad died 11 years ago. After reading the story and the comments, I realized I am normal. I too worry about those little things, when I go out of town and when I am away. I say “I love you” to my boys more often than what seems humanly possible. They probably think I am wierd. I can deal with that. They (my sons)tell me they have never seen me cry. It is a good thing I am at work and they do not see me reading this blog and typing these comments. Thanks for sharing. I (we) needed it.
My mother was a year old when her father died of cancer. It was the single-most defining event of her life. She has no memories of him at all, and the empty place that he left was never filled for her. It is still profoundly emotional for her to this day. Reading your post, combined with my mom’s wistfulness at seeing my dad with us kids over the years and wishing she could’ve had that, too, has me hunting for kleenex before the Munchkin sees me and asks what’s wrong. :)
I lost my Dad when I was four
Still dealing with it after a crazy number of years…28? Wow, it’s been a long time
Thanks for saying what I’ve been feeling for…28 years
Wow, very powerful post. I had to grab a tissue myself. I lost my Dad when I was 12. Now that I have kids of my own I find myself, at times, missing my dad so much it aches. Other times I feel angry and cheated that he’s not here. I try not to indulge in that feeling very often, but at times it’s still there. Thanks for sharing this.
That was a beautiful post Matthew. I’m sure he would be very proud of the man and dad you turned out to be.
I lost my father about 3 and a half years ago. I was 24. My husband and I are now TTC and I think about what a huge loss my future children endured that they won’t ever realize. And I think about how much I adored my grandfather and how my children won’t be able to adore theirs because he died way too young. The stories and pictures will simply never be enough.
What a beautiful and touching letter. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us - I love it when guys can really open up and expose themselves, even if only in a letter. This in particular gives me a peek into what my own husband must be going through, especially on this upcoming weekend. Though not because his father passed as yours did, but rather, his parents divorced when he was very young; after ten years old he never heard from his father since. Now, as a father himself, I know that he does his best to excel as a father with our children, despite never really having anybody to idolize. I think because of these circumstances it makes him an even better father simply bc, more than ever, he’d never dream of letting his children down.
Thank you for this post. And thanks to all the commenters.
My dad is still alive and a part of my life, but my son’s father, whom I love very very much, died before he was born. I think a lot about how I will give him memories of his dad as he grows up (he’s 2 now).
Happy Father’s Day.
Wow.
My husband lost his father when he was 5. Unfortunately, it was not to death, but abandonment. It completely shaped the person he is today.
He passed away when my husband was 31, and I didn’t quite understand how he could grieve so much over someone he hadn’t seen in decades and who willingly left him. Over time I came to see he was mourning for what could have been.
Fathers have such importance in their children’s lives, and I know you are an amazing dad. Your post was beautiful, and I’d like to believe that your dad knows exactly how much you miss him and love him, as well as what a great father you’ve become.
Your father would be in awe of his sons just as I am. It’s important for couples to talk about what they want for their children. The values that are important to pass on and those that you definetly don’t want to pass on to your children. Your dad and I did have a few of those discussions so I had a strong sense of what he would have wanted for you.
I do know that he died not having heard his father say he was proud of the man he had become. Don’t make that mistake. Tell your children that you love them unconditionally, no matter what, everyday. I love you.
Thank you so much for that post. It made me cry, man. I really don’t know what else to say.
Thank you for writing this letter. I think I will hang it up in my office to remind me how precious this life is and how precious our little ones are. Your children are very lucky to have a dad like you.
[…] While people are reflecting this weekend about their fathers, and some posts in the blogosphere have already made me cry or laugh, I decided that I would just complain. […]
Thank you so much for your post. It gave me a way to grieve without self-pity. I lost my dad just three short months ago after a long battle with melanoma and the pain this weekend was unbearable. Not getting to see a grandchild was his only regret so I pray that when I do have children, I’m half as loving, supportive and fair as he was. A true man in every sense of the word.
Hello.
I’m 34 and I lost my lovely dad a couple of years ago to cancer and I really want to see him again and sit and talk to him. It drives me crazy sometimes. When he was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 60 I don’t think I spent a single day without rushing round there after work with a bag full of dvd’s, his favourite food and drinks and books. He used to call me his little nurse. We just used to sit and watch tele together and have little chats. Well I am lucky to have had that time with him and the memories that will last forever. Mum and dads are precious and when we lose them our heart breaks in two forever.x
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