Gangs of Suburbia
Poop and Boogies | May 17In my neighborhood/subdivision there is a community playground. There are swings, a merry-go-round and a jungle gym sliding board thingy all surrounded by a huge sandbox. We try to take our son there everyday. It is perfect for a two year old. It is only a block and a half from our house and it is set right next to a lake where we can watch boaters and water skiers, feed ducks and fish, as well as find all kinds of cool critters to chase.
A couple of weeks ago there were about 10 teenage kids playing basketball on the half court that sits about twenty feet away from the sandbox. They were rambunctious and having a good time when one of them yelled, “Motherfucker.” I looked at my wife and we both shrugged it off. Thirty seconds later another kid yelled “Asshole.” My wife and I both rolled our eyes.
Motherfucker was screamed again. My wife and I are not prudes but we felt the language was inappropriate for playground, especially since there were other little children playing. I walked over to the court and asked the teens to watch their use of the bad language. I asked nicely pointing out that there were small kids around. The teens laughed and gave a half-hearted apology.
I wasn’t even back to the sandbox when I heard a kid yell “Shit”. I turned and gave the kid the evil eye. Then another kid said “asshole”. Whether he was calling me an asshole or the other kid an asshole I do not know. But I was ticked.
I walked back to the court and told the kids that any fool can curse. I told them they did not have to respect me but they should be respectful of the kids in the park. I made a few jokes about me being an old man and what not and the teens chuckled. I also explained that my son was on the verge of talking and that I would appreciate it if his first words were not Motherfucker and asshole. Again, I received a half-hearted apology and I walked back to the sandbox.
A few minutes later a few other teens showed up. They were not present for my plea to stop the cursing. The new kids were using bad language as well. Not one of the original kids asked their friends to watch their mouths. Instead they laughed and mocked me. I walked back over to the court and told the kids I was starting to get angry. They could see it in my face because every one of the backed away from my approach. I addressed all of the kids told them to refrain from the yelling and screaming only to be met with them calling me names. I started to boil. I explained who I was and where I lived and that I was not afraid of their gang.
I started to feel that maybe we should just leave the park. That it was not worth the aggravation. I went to the swings to get my wife and son. But then I started to get even more ticked. I was not going to let this gang of kids win. I kept my eye on them and I watched as they all made cell phone calls. Soon, there were about 25 kids hanging out on the court. Not all teenagers. Some kids in their early twenties. A couple of big guys. They were pointing at me and whispering amongst themselves.
What would you do?
I’ve had the exact same feelings that you’ve had in dealing with the “young adults” two doors down from me. I ask politely once and then call the police, if they don’t respect my wishes, and let them handle it. I’m sure the police in your instance wouldn’t be of much help but maybe you could ask a cop, if you see one, about the situation to see what you should do. You shouldn’t be driven from the park just because of that situation but at the same time you don’t want the boy’s first words to be X-rated. Why would they put a basketball court so close to the actual playground? You don’t want to get into too many confrontations either because you never know if a gun or knife will be pulled.
Walk over to the kid with the basketball ask to see it pull out a huge knife and stab the ball. Then ask “who’s next?”
Actually, this is a common occurence amoung young people that were never taught to respect others. I don’t think it’s a matter of winning and losing. The moment you thought they would be respectful you lost.
I agree with Teri. We have neighbors with teenage kids who have had some pretty loud (and late) parties, and the way I have escalated was to first say something to the kids directly about their behavior (or their friends). Next, I talk to the parents. Finally, if necessary, I have actually called the police.
At each stage, I let them know what my next step will be, so that they know what my plan is and that if they didn’t knock off the behavior, that I was going to escalate on them.
My fear is that the kids don’t know all the people who show up to a party, and it can get out of control (even here in the close-in suburbs of DC). No need to have a physical confrontation — let the police take care of a larger group like that.
You gave them plenty of chances; next time, call the police. Behavior like that comes from living without consequences. And being a teenager. Call their bluff.
You are a very brave man to have confronted those teenagers. Coward that I am, I would have simply gathered up my kids and left the park. Just recently we were in a county park, in a section of the playground meant for children under age 6. There was a group of about 4 teenagers sitting on one of the benches. A young couple, a man and woman who appeared to be in their early twenties, were walking on a nearby path. Suddenly the group of teenagers began to shout such things as, “suck his dick”, and other assorted vulgarities at the young couple. I was horrified, then angry, but didn’t have the nerve to say anything to those morons. I took my two children, ages 4 and 5, for a walk around the lake until the foul mouthed teenagers left. Another thing that drives me crazy is the graffiti sometimes found on playground equipment. Not only words but vividly disgusting illustrations as well. It’s so hard to keep very young children innocent these days. Love your blog by the way.
. . .as long as we’re sharing. I live in an old urban neighborhood that is undergoing a re-vitilization. The wife and I have had many converstations about whether or not to move out of the city - we love our house, but the influences that my daughter is inevitably going to have (even without attending public school) are scary. One of my arguments has been that it doesn’t matter where you go there are always going to be bad influences. The key is that you, yourself provide the positive model, and explain what right is and why ‘we’ do what ‘we’ do. I know that that doesn’t help much with language at two, but I think unwanted external influences are something we will all face at every level - and unfortunately something we cannot avoid.
Is this a recurring thing or did it just happen the one time? If just the one time, I’d go back to the park as often as I’d want and if the same thing happened again I’d try to figure out who the parents are and approach them (saying something like “I know if my kid did something like this I’d want to know so I could put a stop to it,” and then explain). Then if it keeps happening, there’s nothing wrong with asking the police to make themselves visible at certain times of the day.
Good luck!
My blood was boiling as I read this - I hate it when teens pull this. First of all, our neighborhood park took out the basketball courts for this very reason (get rid of the magnet), and our own cul-de-sac neighborhood put one of those rollout ones onto the street for the local kids to play. We do get the occasional “swearers” out there, but I politely go out (or one of the other neighbors) and very sternly tell them that in this neighborhood they’re welcome to play, but they have to abide by some rules. So far, it’s been all right.
I did come across some rowdy teens skateboarding at a Target parking lot, yelling and swearing to get attention. Sadly everybody was trying to ignore it, running by, without saying anything (which entertained the teens even more). I was the only one who told my wife and non-talking infant daughter loudly “Yell F@ck one more time, and I swear I’ll kick the sh@t out of you”. They heard me and got spooked. Of course, I wouldn’t have done anything, but that’s what they need.
Fortunately for me, the park/playground that I take my kids to is an enclosed one that has no attraction for any teenagers, unless they specifically come to make trouble. So far, it’s never happened.
I think that two warnings was more than generous. After the second one, I would have said that if the language didn’t change, I’d be calling the police. I would remind them that this is a public area and there are ordinances against disturbing the peace. (Not that I would know if this would actually qualify, but it sounds good!)
The one thing I did think of while reading your story was, were there any other parents in the park? Why did you have to be the only parent to confront the teens about their bad language? Strength in numbers… I would have started recruiting some other parents around me and made a posse to make it clear to the teens that their behavior was affecting everyone, not just me.
I think guenuine nailed it.
I think genuine nailed it.
I would have done exactly what you did the first time, and probably even the second time, but I would have let them know that you would call the police if it didn’t stop. Also, I agree with the person above that said to figure out who the parents are and approach them. Unfortunately, sometimes the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree, so it may not get you anywhere, but I WOULD want to know if it was my kid doing that.
Easy, Bill. You beat the crap out of the biggest one and everyone else will run scared. Works every time.
Ok, not every time. But it worked in “Roadhouse.”
Being the “dumbass” as my wife occassionally calls me, I’d've asked nicely the 1st time, the 2nd time I’d've walked over and taken out the 34″ DeMarini from the trunk of the car, put the wife and kid in the car, had them call the cops, and proceeded to taunt the little bas*rds until someone took a swing and then beat the crap out of the biggest one there.
S
Halo Hotline
Physical force might not be an option when you are outnumbered by so many… BUT you can always have the last laugh as you leave the parking lot. Dirty diapers would make great hood ornaments for their cars!
It’s tempting to do something stupid but I think it’s an easy call to make. Walk away and don’t do anything more. Especially since your family was there. It was nice that you walked over there and asked them politely if they could take it easy with the language. Even though I’m large,strong, and fit enough to kick most people asses I would never do it. It’s just not worth it. It’s disrespectful to curse around other kids but it’s not illegal. And teenages today are not like teenagers when we were young. It’s enough if some person has a knife or a gun and the game might be over- for ever. I wouldn’t like to die or get badly injured just because I got pissed at someone cursing at the playground. I want to get old and spend time with my children and grandchildren. I would like to beat up everyone I get mad at but it’s not a good idea and I think it shows weakness to use physical force even though you would “win”.
AD
ohhh. I agree with Adventure Dad… in the end.. do you want to be pissed off and injured rather than safe at your own house. You might want to find out if there are “rules of behaviour” posted close by.. (our city parks have them) and if you start hearing them or seeing them break rules then just call the police non emergency number and let the police take care of it.. you shouldn’t be intimidated out of the park with your kids, but you don’t want to get hurt either…. Good luck
I agree with many of the above comments. Kids these days have everything handed to them. Plus the environment has changed. TV has lost it quasi puritanical values and the internet has exposed many youth to a darker side of media with out supervision. Swearing and disrespecting their elders is common. I have the local non emergency police number on my cell and it has been used on occasion for punks like that.
I would have left the park. If I felt threatened, I would have called the police. The problem with confrontation like this is that I would be uncomfortable to ever go back to the park, which is pretty sad. The safety of my kids comes first.
I’d take this situation to a city council meeting and lobby for increased patrols in the park. Maybe write a guest editorial in your local paper? Network with other local parents to schedule family times at the park so that parents can bring their kids without feeling outnumbered by the teens and can present a unified community front in opposition to the inappropriate language and behavior of the adolescents.
Of course, I’m the type of person who’d take pictures of the teens with my digital camera and then put posters up in grocery stores and gas stations that said something to the effect of “Is your foul-mouthed ill-behaved teen making our public parks an unfit place for the children of our community?”
Use my charm and wit to force them into a submissive position that would render them speechless.
OR
I would do what I normally do and NOT back down because, let’s face it…I teach Junior High and am not afraid of any kids. I have no issue with confrontation and have even told strangers (teens) in the mall to stop running or quit talking trash. Oddly enough, they ALWAYS comply. Whether my demeanor or size (I’m tall for a woman) does it, I don’t know. But generally speaking, kids think adults are afraid of them. When I show them I’m not, they do what’s asked.
My husband’s convinced they will one day attack me en masse. Bring it on.
Ok, but in your case, I really would find out WHO they are so I could dig into their backgrounds to call schools, police, their parents. And get a bunch of your OWN gang of dads together with kids to outnumber them. They would hate that, right?
I can understand your impulse to protect your children from anti-social behaviour; but I have to say that all these holier than thou submissions on teen behaviour get on my nerves a little bit.
We all agree that some teenagers can be pretty confrontational and antisocial at times, but this is all part of the boundary testing and experimentation that comes with adolescence. I live in Australia, where we don’t have the gang culture that seems to be rife in some locations in America; but I still think that knee-jerk rejection of teen expression, including negative behaviour, only serves to dislocate them more from society.
It’s hard being a teenager. You hate your body and your skin, you’re constantly worried that your physiological development may not be as rapid or as ‘normal’ as that of your peers, sales staff eye you off in shops because they assume that your age is equivalent to a badge that reads “shoplifter”, and you’re constantly being told what to do, and where to do it and how. I wouldn’t want to be there again…
Just try to walk a mile in their shoes. You have a home and a family of your own; they may not come from such a stable place. You’re free to make your own life choices and assess the consequences of your actions from a mature and balanced point of view, they often have to do what they’re told by any number of adults in their lives and they don’t yet have a physically mature brain or your wealth of experience.
Ever seen a wildlife documentary where the young males of a species fight to prove their dominance and genetic prowess and gain a place in the group? That’s what teenage boys are doing; they just choose an ugly way to go about it.
Cass, you may be right about the role of adolescents in our society. The situation described, however, is potentially volatile and the behavior is potentially dangerous and not merely anti-social. I realize that we have, as a society, pushed teens into an odd place where they are not adults and no longer children. Some part of the problem has to be in establishing guidelines to help them see their appropriate roles. It is unfortunate that so many parents of adolescents choose not to resist the pushing that naturally comes with trying to find the limits of a teenager’s place in society. When the lack of firm boundries starts to impinge on our communities’ enjoyment of parks and other public areas, we must be prepared to answer as a community.
I’m with Cass. Is cursing suddenly illegal and I‘m not aware of it? Those teenagers have just as much right to use the park as you do.
While I realize that free speech is believed to be a fundamental right enjoyed by US citizens (we arrogantly assume that we take that right with us when we venture outside our sacred borders) there are limits which should actually be common sense but are apparently no longer observed or acknowledged.
“The First Amendment’s guarantee of the right of free expression is a fundamental element of our democratic system of government. However, that right of free expression is not absolute. Some kinds of speech, such as obscenity, defamation, and fighting words, are not protected by the First Amendment.” — From a summary of Free Speech Guidelines composed by the Salt Lake City Attorney’s office. see url: http://www.ci.slc.ut.us/mayor/speeches/free%20speech%20guidelines.htm
In addition, there is an allowance for communities to further limit the absolute freedom of expression. A great many communities have rules which prohibit the use of obscenities in parks, on playgrounds, or near schools.
I think that it represented very poor planning to put a basketball court (or other contact sport arena) within earshot of a play facility designed for small children because it is the nature of competition that some boundries of social acceptability are lowered in the heat of play. That said, it really should be too much to ask in a civilized society that people respect the wish of parents to shield their children from offensive language.
After wiping my bottom from pooping my pants, I would have scooped up said loved ones and scurried to the car. William! You are much braver than me. And you have a temper. Be careful. As for all of the comments about calling the police and organizing city council, etc., meetings, I don’t think it’s illegal to curse in public though it was stupid, rude and inconsiderate, especially since you asked them several times. Kind of bully for you though that your opponents believed you were such a threat that they needed to amass 25 teens and young adults to deal with you.
Whoa. I’m kind of surprised at people’s reactions here. Why not ask if it’s such a big deal if your kids hear people swearing?
Hear me out: I don’t want my kid to swear any more than anyone else around here, and I DO flinch a little when people swear around her. But I think it’s much more important that I behave like the kind of person who doesn’t swear at people.
I had a come-to-Jesus moment when I muttered “douchebag” at a guy in another car and spotted my daughter listening intently in the carseat–not only had she heard me using vulgar language, but as an insult directed at another person. I don’t want to be that kind of role model. And I think the behavior that we parents exhibit in front of our children is a thousand times more important than some yahoo on the basketball court. And I absolutely think that using profanity as an insult or abuse is a terrible thing for kids to see, especially from their parents.
Teens on the basketball court joking around and calling each other motherfucker? Less of a problem, I think.
That said, I’m impressed that you politely asked them to knock it off–that’s the kind of behavior kids should see. I agree with Pickle’s Papa: acting as a positive role model and discussing why we require this kind of behavior is the way to go.
Also, the comments about beating up the biggest guy, smearing poo on cars (or other revenge fantasies) are a really bad idea for a lot of reasons. Including the whole role-model thing. My personal fantasy involves that impressive sound that a pump-action shotgun makes, but that’s just me…
Call the police, if your town/city has a law about language, usually it falls under disorderly conduct. At the very least these kids were being disruptive, and the police would probably ask them to leave and not return.