Sex After Baby: A Daddy’s View
Genuine | May 12I often joke about sex, but after Pickle’s Papa made a comment on the previous post about having sex after your wife has a baby, I thought it might be a good topic of discussion for everyone. Afterall, communication is key in this situation. See Honey, those years of therapy are paying off.
I have had My wife has given birth to four beautiful children in the last 6+ years. Each of the birth experiences were different, but each resulted in what I called the “Double Secret Six Week Post Partum Probationary Period.” (I have numerous posts about this period, not that it’s important or anything.) The births were of no significance for damage so it is not exactly on point with PP’s comment but close enough. This probation is the standard period that some, if not most, physicians tell us is the time your wife needs for things to return to normal. After that time it’s, gentlemen start your engines, Katie bar the door, and let the games begin. This is the case if we all live in a utopian society where things go perfect.
If you are a first time father it isn’t always clear what to expect after childbirth. I can remember the anxiety of not wanting to have sex with my wife because of the experience she just went through. If I were to say that the graphic nature of the birth itself didn’t have an effect on my sexual psyche, I would be lying. You begin to feel a little insignificant when you look over at your bald baby’s head and harken back to a time pre-baby. I suppose that is just a natural thing. Truth is, things tend to go back to normal in spite of the violence that occurred in the nether regions. I have heard of piggish father types asking the doc to “throw and extra stitch in there for me,” but I would never live through that crack.
This should also put your own mind at ease when thinking that somehow you are going to hurt the Mrs. the first time the rodeo is in town. I would refer you to the above violence and state that: If you are having that kind of sex, then I for one want to give you a high five.
I would also venture to say that you are Key Master and she is the Gatekeeper. I would wait to see if that key works after permission from the one holding the lock. Go slow and let Mommy decide what time is best. She has been up every two hours for the last six weeks feeding your child. Those toothpicks holding open her eyelids tend to get in the way of foreplay, and perhaps the last thing on her mind is getting some exercise. (Try getting up one night to feed said child while she gets to rest…that can get a guy some action.)
Most of all I think that you must communicate your needs and wants. This can be the most important aspect of returning to the promised land. After one of our children was born, I forget now because it all seems a blurred image in my mind, my wife and I were both waiting for the other to give the signal for the “thumbs up”. We went an extra long time between the ending of the probationary period and the start of the rough and rowdy because we failed to talk to each other. She was assuming that she was fat and gross, and I was assuming that the last thing she wanted near her ovaries again was that monster that had made her go through that nightmare. We had a good chuckle after the fact, but we wasted valuable time that could have been more fun than changing the sheets for breast milk reasons (of course, that’s a whole other post).
Now I turn it over to you mommies, and certainly more of you daddies to lend your wisdom. Is their sex after children?
Not so much for us right after ours were born. I think now that we are living with his parents, we make up for lost time when they aren’t home. If we had our own place, it would be on like donkey kong (I can’t believe I just typed that) Now that Peanut sleeps through the night, there’s less anxiety about interruption and losing the moment, which my husband hates! But right after they were born, I had no desire to get it on. My husband passed a kidney stone and now knows what I mean when I say I don’t feel like it after popping out another child.
Yes, there is. But some of the fun things have to be put off for a while. Like…
…my curvaceous breasts were NOT for the handling. Yet that’s all he wanted to handle.
…no swinging-from-the-chandelier wild sex. I’m freaking tired, man. Get on with it and roll over and let me sleep. In fact, if you go too slowly, I might do just go to sleep NOW.
So there was sex, but just a little different from before. It’s returned to normal and we’ve replaced all the chandeliers.
Yes there’s sex, but it takes a while to get back to something resembling “pre-baby”. I had an epesiotomy, so i was a little extra sore. At about 7 weeks we tried and i had to have him stop- it was just too uncomfortable. A few weeks later we tried again. I think the strangest thing to get used to, especially if you are breast feeding, is the lactating. I also had very very sore breasts, so they were out of the question - which sucked for the boyfriend b/c for the 1st time i actaully had some boobs!!
Once all those other things stopped hurting all the way, and we adjusted to not having enough sleep, the sex life returned to normal and everything was great again. So yes, there is sex after baby.
I have passed this link onto the friend’s wife and she is currently contemplating a comment to explain the female point of view on reconstructive surgery and the concept of sex again.
I have had friends who haven’t waited the six weeks and didn’t have any problems. I, however, adhered to it. My first labor and delivery was more dramatic than average, but I didn’t need any major stitching, except to repair my episiotomy.
Still, my husband was all ready to get back into the swing of things, and I wasn’t. It took several months for me to be comfortable physically enough to start up again, which inhibited my emotional readiness as well. I have to say that it was different after our second was born. Since I knew what to expect (and had a much less dramatic birth experience), it took less time for me to re-adjust.
We’re still not pre-baby, and we probably never will be again. We can actually laugh at those days now without feeling that something is lacking from the present. We’re not always in synch with each other, but my husband has been very patient and is pretty good about reading my cues. So, it’s different now, but, after all, we’re sleep-deprived parents now, not horny newlyweds.
My wife relented at 4 weeks for a very slow and gentle session and that continued at once a week for a couple of months. There has been a gradual increase and now at 13 weeks post baby, things are starting to heat up. I think the sex is better than pre-baby due to the emotional connection between us that comes from having a child.
I am waiting for the day when we can throw back a couple martinis and go at it like monkeys. That would be like pre-baby.
I would like to add in here- my husband and I waited to have sex until after we were married. We spent approximately 4 hours as newlyweds, because our wedding night is when we concieved our first child. I have to admit that I’m just too gunshy to give it a wild go. Pregnancy was ZERO fun. So, while everyone’s having their chandeliers replaced, we’re eating dinner under ours.
With our first child, I had an episiotomy and a pretty bad tear. We tried to resume things after 6 weeks, and although the wound had healed, the scar tissue was ultra sensitive, so we had to be very careful of positioning, and the vigor with which we attempted anything. Touch the far end of that scar, and all bets were off. Plus, my husband was very wierded out by the fact that if he handled my breasts to much, he might get squirted or dripped on for his trouble.
However, with our second child, I had to sheepishly admit to my midwife at our 6 wk checkup that we’d already been busy little bees, for a couple of weeks, at least. But then, that was a totally different birth: less labor, no tearing, no episiotomy, no drugs (which allowed things to return to “normal” that much faster). I honestly think the pre-natal yoga really helped there.
There’s such a difference, I think, after the second child. Yes, I was still exhausted. Yes, I was still leaking milk randomly, but my husband was okay with it. But we’d been there before, and somehow we knew that we weren’t stuck living on 3 hours of sleep for the rest of our lives.
I had a c-section with twins, and physically and mentally I was ready to go after the 8 week waiting period. Unfortunately, we were just so damned tired all the freakin’ time. It was about once a month or so until the babies started sleeping through the night–and not just on my part. My husband was as tired as I was because there were two.
Yes…and it’s oh, so very good, too.
**holds breath**
BWAHAAHAAHAA…*snort*…BWAHAAHAAHAA!!!
It seems like a natural response for a woman to a husband who’s anxious about when the sex life is going to come back to life is, What are you thinking? I haven’t slept a night through in months, I haven’t showered two days in a row since before that, and you want to know when I’ll feel sexy?’
And they’re right. We’re animals for even thinking of sex after only a few weeks or months of abstinence.
But what I think a woman can’t easily see is, even the most secure man has anxiety that the sex is over. I did, even with my second daughter’s birth, and that was only 13 months after my first, so obviously I got some action in there, right?
It’s not the worry that your wife won’t be able to do it, or that you’ll hurt her, it’s the fear that kids mean all bets are off. She isn’t going to have the time, energy or interest to give you more than a token tumble ever again.
Which is true…
Okay, it’s not true, but it feels true when your kids are a few months old. You start losing football games to Barney videos, there’s primary-color plastic stuff crowding out the few ridiculous objects of art you prize, your den is transformed into a nursery without you even being consulted, what’s to say you’ll ever get laid again?
None of which is to belittle the changes a mother goes through. When you look at the sacrifices from either side it’s hard to figure why anyone has kids at all. But women have Dr. Phil, Oprah, Murphy Brown. People to articulate their side of things. Men have John Madden, Howard Stern, a box of sadly dusty condoms…
We probably don’t help our case when we come to bed looking like Larry the Cable Guy and ask the wife if she thinks she’ll ever want to knock off a piece again.
I’m chuckling as I read Mocha’s comment. I freakin’ love that girl.
As far as the sex after baby thing…After the 6 week lock down of the vajayjay…I was mortified by the stretch marks, the leaky milk producers and the whole “my-azz-is-bigger-than-J.Lo’s” phenomena. But my kind husband said, “Don’t worry, you look good to me…” Which I thought sounded patronizing and since I was hormonal I didn’t “give up the goods” again until week 8. And lemme tell ya…that was quite awkward….it was like a ravenous fest of…..Love…I guess. *L*
It’s now been 12 months since my wife and I last had sex (baby is 11 months old). My wife clains that it’s still too painful due to lack of lubrication (breastfeeding). Is it time to start snooping for her secret lover? Time to look for a mistress? The thought makes me feel ever more depressed. Please help. My Psyche is shattered.
hi i ve just had a baby she is nearly 5 weeks old, me and my hasband had sex but he is complaining that it is no fun beacause i am so opened its hard for him to feel much please help what do i do to get back to normal quicly and will i get back to normal or not?
my daughter is 6 months old this week and i have had sex four times in eight months.. he says it’s because he is gun shy, but I have an iud. This is our first baby, but he’s been married before. His first wife was pregnent when they got tpogether, although it wasn’t his. He had no problem sleeping with her. He just turned down a blow job, help
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