Long commutes and family life
AdventureDad | May 3
An interesting article in the latest edition of Newsweek talks about the trends in commuting. They are actually talking less about traditional commuting to the workplace and more about a fairly recent phenomena, “extreme commuting”. What is an extreme commuter? The definition of extreme commuting is a person “who travels more than 90 minutes to work, one way.” According to the US Census, this is also the fastest growing group of commuters. I’ve never had to commute to work so I’m very curious of how these people handle it? How do they manage to keep a healthy relationship with the spouse and also spend time with their children? How do their children feel about seeing their father or mother very little during the week? I’m a fairly involved father and I’m very interested in how the commuting parents keep that special bond with their children?
I have very mixed feelings on the subject. On one hand I think people are nuts to prefer commuting for hours every day and only see their kids during the weekend in order to have a backyard and a little more space. They are nothing more than slaves to their work and it’s very difficult to built a good relationship with your kid when you’re a weekend mother/father. On the other hand I think it’s kind of noble to sacrifice yourself to give your family a decent place to stay and the possibility of a good education. And I’m impressed over how they have the energy, mental and physical, to handle such a long daily commute.
Can you imagine spending 4 or 5 hours a day in the car or on the bus? Is that crazy or just a trade-off we might have to get used to? And what about when gas prices double, or triple? Are we then heading back to the cities again? The article have some examples of extreme commuters. The doctor who gets up at 6 am and commutes by car to his Chicago hospital. The IT guy who boards the train at 5 am and has a two hour commute. And the guy who drives two hours to his photo lab in LA. Or the very extreme case of spending 3 to 6 hours a day in the car which apparently Mr. Neelley does in order to live in a larger house than before. That’s an awful lot of time to spend in a car or a train. As one person puts it, “How much is it worth to own your own home if you end up spending four hours on the road and not playing with your kids, not sleeping enough, and rotting in traffic?”
I’ve always been fortunate to have just a couple of miles to work which means a “commute” of 20 minutes door to door. I love to come home and spend time with my son every day before he goes to bed. And I usually see him in the morning as well even though I’m at work early. I’m wondering what kind of choice I would make if I was forced to choose between the city and a long commute? Life with a family in Sweden is almost too good to be true but perhaps we will get bored in a few years. We have been thinking about moving back to NYC at some point. We would then have two or three kids and the choices would be the city with work just around the corner or the suburbs with a 45-90 minute commute. Both choices of course with their own advantages and disadvantages. It would be a tough choice even though the commute would be “normal”? But 60 to 90 minutes just to get to work? I don’t know if I could handle it.
There are mostly fathers making the extreme commutes in the US since the workplace is still very far from from equal for men and women. According to the article, 3.4 million people do the extreme commute each day. And that number has doubled in the past 15 years. Where will we be in another ten years with these high real estate prices? Is this development good for the family in the long run? My main concern about the commute is the children and the relationship with the father. But of course also the family situation in general. According to author Mr. Putnam, “Every 10 minutes added to your commute decreases by 10 percent the time you dedicate to your family and community” That’s powerful statistics and must mean that an extreme commuter has some fairly limited options.
It would seem very difficult to have children and only see them on the weekends. The pressure on both husband and wife must be enormous. What about the daily quality time together? Eating with your kids, bathing them, and reading before they fall asleep? The odd thing is that many fathers seem to kind of enjoy the long commute. Mr. Wyant says “My wife hates the commute but I value the Zen time”. I’m not so sure I would feel the same way.
How do you people deal with a long commute? How do you manage to keep your spouse happy and spend time with your children? Is it all worth it?
I’m a little bothered in the early part of your post that you seem to assume this only affects men? Did I read that wrong?
I’m a woman and I commute. It’s not extreme by their definition but it sure feels like it is some days. My commute, 1 way, is 45-60 minutes.
Sometimes I resent the hell out of it (in fact, just yesterday, I blogged about an aspect of it). Sometimes I realize that it’s good time for either my husband and I to talk (when we carpool) or blessed ALONE time which is far too rare in my life. It’s the only time I really listen to local news and morning talk and sometimes even some music.
I guess there is a positive side to it, too.
After I pick up whatever child is in daycare, we chat for the ride. I ask her to tell me the BEST and WORST thing about her day. With older ones, we do vocabulary and spelling words or times tables.
I have found the car is a GREAT place to have those conversations with your kids that might be a little uncomfortable because you can TALK but people don’t have to look at each other - you watch the road. I don’t say that because I’m chicken, but sometimes because it’s more comfortable for my child.
My oldest two, now out of the house and grown, were in daycare and after school care for years. Our rides home at the end of the day comprise some of my most precious memories.
For me, I may hate the commute at times but there are aspects of it that are positive. I’m sure it must be the same for the extreme commuter….
I used to have a 45-60 minute commute and I’m so delighted those times are over. I now do 10 minutes by bike.
That’s an interesting topic you’ve picked on there. For apart from the effect on families, it’s a huge issue regarding city planning. With the size of some modern cities you can be doing the extreme commute within its boundaries if the traffic is that bad or the public transport is a sham.
I commute 45 minutes, my wife an hour, and that’s doing a 1 minute mile. She leaves at 6am each morning and leaves work at 4pm each day. Commuting is a fact of life in many communities bordering high cost of living cities like Boston. Why would I buy a 1200 square foot condo with 100 sq feet of outdoor decking for 750000 when I can buy a house double in size with a yard and QUIET for roughly half the price, when the only difference is my wife’s commute?
It’s sad we need to make this choice, but everyday that the upstairs neighbor’s dogs don’t wake up Hayes (like they did in the city, but can’t in our house — we have no upstairs neighbors) and he can cruise around the yard doing littel boy things, I am thankful that we chose a commuting life over a city life in the poor house.
I am out of the house on average eleven hours a day. It is alot of time to be away from the kids, at least I don’t have to travel. Nobody said life would be fair and if they did they were lying.
I used to commute in southern California traffic; I was constantly tired, and my wife said the drive turned me into a jerk. Since then, I’ve jealously guarded the time with my family, and can’t see any circumstances in which I’d again waste two hours of that time in the car. It’s one of the reasons we returned to the Midwest.
My uncle does 90 minutes each way, but he’s unmarried and has no kids or pets.
I’m wondering if the article mentioned safety issues. When you drive that much you end up in more accidents. In the past 5 years my uncle has rear-ended one person and been rear-ended 5 times, not out of road rage, just because traffic is nuts. I also think he should see a physical therapist for shoulder issues from so much holding onto the steering wheel.
This is also the reason I’m not willing to trade in our 800 sq ft apartment for a house in the burbs. I’d rather have my kids see their father more, even if it means less room to store their toys.
I wonder of the extreme commuters how many of them could do their jobs from the sevcurity of their own home? How many could log on to their office computer and get more work done if they were not exhausted from the commute? I’m thinking of writing our Congressmen. We could save fuel and families. Maybe that’s what we call it “The Fuel and Family Act.”
Employers would never buy into it.
I’m not an extreme commuter by your definition, but I work 42 miles from where I live. It should take 50 minutes, but most days, especially with the ever present construction in my state, it takes 60-90 minutes. And I freaking hate it. Unfortunately, the job market is very tight in my state. It does take away time from my family, and I hate it. But, for now, I have to live with it.
The topic is a good one, but misses I think a few points that the commenters have picked up.
One is the fact that, “you go where the jobs are”, and in many cases, that is not necessarily as “convenient” as finding work in your field close to home. I currently have a “convenient” position, but that is short term, and much of the work I find requires not only travel to the office, but onsite to clients. It is the “necessary evil” of getting work at the wages I need to support my family, balanced as best I can against trying to move my family to a location that may not be as ideal for my family, to make my commute shorter.
The second unrelated thing is telecommuting. With the advent of the Internet, (particularly in Computer Programming, which I do) the ability for people to telecommute and do their work from home was supposed to be widespread. However, unless they are saving money by exporting the job to India, it seems corporations are not satisfied unless they “see your face” in a seat in the office, even though it provides little to no benefit for anyone for you to be there. It is just another method of keeping workers “under the thumb” of the company.
You are right about how difficult it can be, but not one that is easily or readily legislated away.
I currently commute 10 minutes door to door. I often go home at lunch time to give my wife a break or to spend time with my son. It is great. But there is a down side. Less mental time for me.
I used to commute 45 minutes by car. I would use that time to leave the “work me” behind and get into dad husband mode. It was a good ride in the morning so I could listen to the news and mentally prepare myself for the day. Sometimes I would listen to books on tape which took a week to finish but still it was good mental time for me.
Interestingly, I’ve seen this on “Supernanny” a few times (I watch the show to make myself feel better, and to justify all the time-outs I’ve been giving my two-year-old). The dads in the two cases I’ve seen feel badly about being “weekend” dads, but neither are willing to change it. One could have, but refused to, and the other one was only doing it because his job had transferred him and they didn’t want to move the family. In both cases, I felt profoundly sad. Society places such a high priority on “work”, especially for men, that many men feel like their occupation defines them. And society undervalues the SAHD, because they don’t see anything that doesn’t earn money as “work.” So these weekend dads sacrifice time with their kids for the sake of their careers.
My husband’s commute is about 20 minutes (in good traffic), and I am very grateful that there have been days when he’s been able to work from home (like when we had a vomiting child) at different times. If someday, he changes jobs and has a different commute, we will have to re-assess how and where we live. Being together is more important than the amount of the paycheck.
I choose to live close to work because I hate commutes. I can’t imagine wasting all that time every day.
Of course, this choice means I can’t own a house. So it’s all a big trade-off. For some people, renting is the worst thing ever, I guess. I’m not happy with it, but I also can’t drive 3 or 4 hours a day and not see my family. I don’t have enough time as it is!
I work about 8 miles from home. I have a good sized house and a yard (in Silicon Valley no less!). Crappy school system. Short commute. When The Boy is big enough for school, I want to homeschool him, which probably means leaving the state.
i would think a 90 minute commute would produce a satelitte family even though it provides a nice home.
we have managed 10-20 minute commutes with great careers and a nice suburban home here in Louisville (It’s Derby Week!!) and barely 40 hour work weeks while balancing a 15-month old and another due in June.
Still, for the future, we’re working on both of us combining part-time jobs to increase even more time with our children.
I commute 40 minutes to 60 minutes one-way depending on traffic. It never bothered me before I had children. Now, I can’t stand knowing that I’m missing bath time or feeding time while I idle in traffic in my car. It’s not like I live far away from my job. It’s 17 miles door to door. Traffic in Southern California is just that bad. I leave work as early as possible to compensate but even then, I feel like I’m cheating work. I can’t win.
I can’t imagine ever rationalizing a 90 minutes commute! I carpool with my wife and 9-month-old daughter and our commute is around 30 minutes. My wife and I are lucky to work at the same place and we were extreme lucky to find a grandmother-type sitter who watches our daughter near work.
I’m actually more concerned about my husband’s commute than he is. Like other commenters have said, long commutes can make everyone crabby. We’re currently looking into moving to another state and when I look at houses, I make sure they are within a half an hour commute of his new work place. Any longer and I know he’ll just be miserable (even if he doesn’t think about that beforehand).
When my Okapis were born (twins), we lived in a one-bedroom apartment in Manhattan. We obviously couldn’t stay there. The only place we could afford a house was about 40 minutes away - about 90 minutes when commuting by car, foot, train and subway (in that order). Do I want to do that? No. Do I wish I worked closer to home? Asolutely. Have I tried to find a job closer to home? Yes. Have I failed? Yes. I can’t make the same money closer to home as I can in the City and I am the sole supporter of my family. Once, when our Okapis were still babies, my wife fell down while holding them both. I rushed home and it took 1.5 hours. Every second was torture.
On the other hand, the commute is the only disposable time of my day. I am able to read and more importantly write (fatherhood articles and posts) on the train. I can wind down from a rough day and get ready to be Daddy instead of Employee. This way when I’m home (I get home by dinner every night), I can totally focus on my Okapis. While I wish I didn’t have this commute, it has helped to ensure that my time with my Okapis is quality time.
I hesitate to even add to this because I fear my husband and I will be judged; him as a bad father and me as a materialistic bitch.
We live in Cincinnati, he works in Indianapolis (a two-hour drive, one-way). He leaves home on Tuesday morning-ish and comes back on Friday evening. He lives with his brother in Indianapolis during the week. If, however, he needs to come home (or I need him to come home) during the week, he does so.
He works for Eli Lilly and for a long time the company wouldn’t let him have a laptop for telecommuting. He now has one and works from home on the occasional Tuesday or Friday.
The circumstances that brought us to this situation are varied and too lengthy to go into. The most important one was that when he lost his job here in Cincinnati, we had only been in our (very affordable) house for about a year. Moving would have meant a very substantial loss in money for us, a loss we simply couldn’t afford. There was NO work for him here, and other companies that had positions for him required country-wide travel every week. At least with his position at Lilly, he’s at the same place every day he works. Sure, we could have moved a couple years ago, but I grew up in a suburb of Indianapolis so I’m familiar with all the communitites there. The places I was willing to move to would only have meant a 20 minute cut on his drive; so he would have been gone in the mornings when the kids got up and he would have come home at night while they were in bed, five days a week instead of four.
For us, this works. He’s an amazing father and I do feel a little resentful at the idea that some of you think he’d rather be at work than with his kids. We don’t live extravagently, our kids have roots here (my son literally spent an entire night in tears at the thought of the possibility of moving for dad’s job), and he’s making enough money that we’re putting substantial amounts away for our future and for our kids’ futures.
You make it work when you have to. He regularly looks for work closer to home but has yet to find anything that beats what we’re doing now. Of course we’d all much prefer Dad being home every night for dinner. We’re not stupid. We’re just thankful that he *has* a job, what with outsourcing being so common in his field (he’s a computer software designer). As a matter of fact, he’s only one of three Americans left at the division.
Yes, some dads are jerks and would rather be away from their families. But don’t make judgements until you know someone’s situation.
My husband spend a minimum of three hours on his communte each day. He leaves before 5:00 and is home around 7:00. He does restoration and preservation of old houses, so he had to go where the work is. He wakes up with the boy, changes him, feeds him and is out the door. When he walks in at night, he takes over feeding, bath time, and bedtime story/music time. He lights up when he walks in and sees his son. I don’t think there is even a way we can express how much we appreciate him for all he does. We do miss him, though.
As a consultant for a big IT consulting company, my job was to go to where the client was. So I would leave home Monday am, and return home Thursday pm. This was a nice arrangement before we had kids because 1) no one cares where you live as long as you can get to an airport (and I live in Iowa), 2) my wife was able to travel with me most of the time.
But that lifestyle got old after about 3 years. Now, my wife is expecting our first, and I’m refocusing my career such that I don’t have to travel full time. I don’t want a 2 hour commute, everyday, much less a 5 hr/1000mi/commute every week.
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