The Blogfathers

What an honor to be included into a group of men I’ve come to respect as writers and as dads.
 
My story of fatherhood is a bit different from theirs. Some children arrive unplanned; sometimes there is a general idea of when it will happen. Our kid was orchestrated and discussed over two years. You see…our son has two moms and two dads.
 
I came out in my early twenties and entered into my current relationship soon thereafter. My partner is a wonderful man and a great spouse, but back in 1992, not many gay men were talking about adoption. I had always wanted to be a dad. I didn’t care about my career as much as I wanted kids, but for us it just didn’t seem in the cards. Hygiene Dad #2 (I can’t really call him Mrs. Hygiene) wasn’t comfortable with the thought of pursing the struggle of adoption; so instead, we just created a great life together. But my biggest regret was that I wasn’t going to be father.
 
Fast-forward nine years and add in two wonderful friends who wanted to have a baby. Their friends had gone the donor route, but the two of them felt it was important for a child to know their dad. And one awkward but blessed night, I was asked and agreed to be the dad.
 
We went into this journey with one guiding principle; bringing a child into the world had to be done out of love and not laws. Our child couldn’t look back 15 years later and see a contract spelling out rules and regulations. If two parents had to navigate through their exceptions, then four would do it as well. Religion, schools, names and discipline all fell into the conversation…just as they did when you all had kids. Through many interactions, we always came to the same conclusion; there is no right way to raise a child. We just have to love them and work together. 
 
Having a baby with four parents doesn’t come without some challenges. Our son was born in Virginia, which is about as progressive as the Amish. Plus they have some crazy ass, slightly contradictory laws. It seems you can give your child ANY last name you want. Seriously, it’s doesn’t even have to be one of the parents’ names. I opted for Von Trapp, but got vetoed pretty quickly. Instead our son has the hyphenated last names of both moms. However, Virginia also requires that the two parents be of different genders, so the birth mom and I occupy that spot on the birth certificate.
 
Need I even mention the ensuing paperwork that followed for the other two parents to have rights for medication and hospitalization?
 
Our friends embraced the situation. Many with older children envied the thought of four parents to pick up from day care or to raise money for college. We never have to worry about babysitters or if two parents have the flu. Truth be told, our parents weren’t too keen on the whole situation at first, but now Christmas and birthdays have become a little overwhelming with the amount of gifts.
 
The neatest part about the entire process was watching our son navigate this situation. While we “register” him for school and doctors at the moms’ home, he has bedrooms in both houses. He knows the toys, rituals and food choices associated with both locations. And he’s learning how to manipulate each set of parents by saying that he’s allowed to do something at “Mommy & Mama’s house” or “Daddy & Pop-pop’s.” That’s caused a fair share of phone calls back and forth.
 
But the best part is that it’s not considered odd among his friends. Each of them knows his situation and accepts it as normal because no one has told them otherwise. It scares us to think some day he’ll get challenged on that, but good friends told us that we wouldn’t be normal parents if the kid didn’t find some reason to be mad at us someday.
 
So three and half years later, I’m the luckiest man alive. For years, I wondered why God had made me so paternal and then guided me down a path without children. I questioned if I had made the right choices or not.
 
In 2002, the questions were answered. And finally, I knew why I was placed on this earth.

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