Beauty is only skin deep
Child's Play x2 | April 27I have a daughter. To me, she’s a ten-and-a-half-month-old bundle of joy, energy and, yes, beauty. When I look at her, my heart melts. My eyes well up with tears at the love I feel for this little girl. When I gaze into her eyes I see nothing but beauty.
In fact, I often call her, “My beautiful girl” as a nickname of sorts. It’s something that has evolved naturally, without much thought, and has become one of my automatic terms of endearment when talking to my little girl.
Until recently, I hadn’t really thought much about this nickname for my daughter. To me, I was just expressing my love for her and it felt natural to tell her how beautiful I think she is. It never crossed my mind that I might be planting a seed that feeds into the marginalization of young women that focuses on beauty as a way of measuring self-worth.
Then, Oprah produced a show that aired on Monday that focused on 3 and 4 year old girls who were obsessed with their looks. Feeling pretty and being thin has become an obsession for these girls.
According to statistics reported on that show, a recent study by the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty revealed that 9 out of every 10 girls wants to change at least one aspect of their appearance. The Dove Campaign for Real Beauty study found that 57 percent of girls are dieting, fasting or smoking cigarettes to lose weight. Seventy-two percent of girls age 15 to 17 avoid certain activities because they feel badly about their looks. Only 2% of women worldwide consider themselves beautiful.
My wife, who saw the show (I did not), brought up her concerns with me calling my daughter “Beautiful” so many times. Her worry was that I would be subconsciously telling my daughter that her looks are more important than other, internal qualities. Oprah’s show focused on the impact that mothers have on their daughters, saying “You can’t fix the girls and the self-esteem until you fix the mothers.” The discussion I had with my wife, however, raised the issue that fathers too have a responsibility to bolster the self-esteem of their daughters. And that, just like mothers, we fathers have to be aware of our own past experiences that have led us to where we are now.
Now, I’m still not sure that calling my daughter beautiful will lead her down a path of self-destruction. In fact, I think it’s important that my daughter knows that her father thinks she’s beautiful. Having said that, however, I realize the importance to focus on other qualities that will help foster a healthy self-esteem and lead to a more internally-motivated young woman - someone who does not equate looks with self-esteem.
As a result of the conversation my wife and I had regarding this issue, I have found myself choosing my words more carefully. I have become more aware that what I say or how I say it can have unintended consequences and I have pledged to do my best to raise a daughter who exudes an inner beauty that is derived from self-confidence rather than an outer beauty that can be impossible to live up to.
So, my journey continues along the path of parenthood. How come no one ever told me that this parenting thing is such hard work!?
Great there is another 3-4 months of therapy.
I believe that these traits are manifested by the role models that the children have, be it Barbie, Kim Possible, and frankly their own Mothers.
Great topic I would love to hear what some of the people that were girls once (now Mothers) would say.
I often call my daughter “Beautiful”. I also regularly address my female friends as either “Beautiful” or “Gorgeous” in phone conversations… I hope that I can teach my daughter that beauty is the sum of many things and that very few of those are visible to the casual observer. I’m also trying to work on my own self-esteem issues now so that she is not poisoned by my self-image problems.
I applaud Oprah for bringing this issue up, but it is not a recent phenomenon. I hope that the realizations that people are talking about in the wake of the show will remain in focus long enough for some good to come of it. All too often, they don’t.
I call my daughter “my beautiful girl” as well. But I try to say, at least as often, “you are so smart!” My daughter is only 20 months old, but I do worry about the things you discussed. You’re right — it IS hard being a parent these days!
[…] On another note, Matthew at ChildsPlayx2 has a great post over at The Blogfathers site today. Everyone should take a moment and read and comment if necessary. Genuine | 11:42 am | The Genuine Life, Genuine Philosophy, Genuine and the News, Genuine Sex « Genuine Consequences […]
I don’t know. It is so hard to judge. I didn’t eat, or I threw up what I ate in Jr. High, I smoked, I wanted plastic surgery all of it. I am STILL bigger than the biggest girl in the Dove Commercials, and I’m not fat.
I kind of wish my Dad would tell me I’m beautiful. I think it is positive to compliment your children, as long as you don’t accidentally teach them to think they are better than everyone else.
One thought that I have is that the propensity of kids to be overweight these days may also play into their self-esteem problems. Our children’s diet is something that we as parents have more or less total control over. Our children’s activity level is another place where parents have a lot of control. Despite all of this control, I’m sure that our children will find something still unattractive about themselves, but at least it can be something other than weight. After all, there is only so much you can do with what your parents gave you.
Keep telling your children they are beautiful, inside and out. My father never told me I was beautiful. He told me how smart I was ALL the time but never that I was beautiful. He finally told me “Not every woman can be beautiful but you’re a handsome woman.” I have never felt pretty. I tell my sons and daughters how beautiful they are all the time.
I call my daughter “cutie”, although that nickname has fallen by the wayside as she’s gotten more verbal and we can actually communicate. Her Dad calls her “cutie” and “beautiful” all the time. I think that it’s one of the most important things he can tell her. I am 27 and treasure each of the times that my own Dad has told me that I was pretty or that he liked how I looked. There is just no comparison for how good that made me feel.
My own mother never received that kind of positive reinforcement in her own home growing up. Her father died when she was a year old, and her stepfather had the ability to be extremely mean, and he was never loving. The impact that had on my mother and my aunt can still be seen to this day. My aunt destroyed her health in a battle with anorexia that she’s never fully won, and has been severely depressed for years.
Anyway, Matthew, your daughter is one of the cutest babies I’ve ever seen! You don’t want everyone else telling her how pretty she is and have her think, “Why doesn’t my Dad ever say that if everyone else does?” So long as you let her know that she is valued for more than her appearance, you complimenting her on how she looks will never hurt her, and mean so much to her for the rest of her life.
My Mom, as amazing and great as she is, got my sisters into dieting in their early teens. To this day they have self image problems.
wow.. yah that was a hard show to watch. A part of me never wants me to call my daughter beautiful (even though I know she is) because I never want to think that it takes a man to validate her beauty. But I don’t want my daughter to live life thinking I never recognized who she is (even if it includes beautiful). Is it about image? Is it really about identity? Is it fair to dismiss the idea of image knowing that society may discard her because of it. Is my love for her enough to compensate for it. Does it matter if society accepts her as beautiful? Its a reminder that we need to be present in the actions and words of children and that we can never parent in cruise control.
Looks like your wife has been Oprahsuaded.
Also, I’d like to meet the 10th girl who says that there’s nothing she’d want to change, liars of that caliber aren’t exactly a dime a dozen…
I grew up with both my parents telling me I was beautiful all my life. I beleive that it helped me to actually not care as much about my looks in the long run. They were very good about letting me know i was beautiful TO THem. They were great about complimenting all other aspects as well, my good grades, keeping my room clean w/o being asked, having such a big heart that i took in every stray cat i ever saw (even tho they hated it, they complimented my compassion). I say tell her she’s beautiful every day, just be sure to compliment all other aspects you love as well. Its great to hear, even if its only from your parents. I think it also teaches that the way you feel about someone definitely dictates how beautiful they are. I think that taught me to judge people’s beauty both by whats inside and outside. A man can be one sexy mofo, but if he’s an ass when he opens his mouth his beauty rating just dropped drastically. Same goes in reverse too. Thats my 2 cents.
I grew up in a family that encouraged academic excellence and athletic success. My parents taught me that what made a person beautiful was her approach to life–her spirit. I was encouraged to be smart and strong and to speak my opininon. And while they also told me that I was pretty, they never emphasized that over anything else.
I think that girls who worry about their appearance do so because they have been taught that appearance is the ONLY marker of success for women; telling Bri that she is beautiful is one way to show her that you love her. As she grows, and you begin to celebrate her other characteristics–athleticism and intellect and compassion and humor and whatever else you and Andrea value in her–you can tell her how much you appreciate those qualities as well. And you will teach her that being well-rounded is what makes her truly beautiful.
I tell my daughter she’s pretty, and smart, and strong, as the mood strikes me. I would say you should NOT stop calling your daughter “beautiful,” because you are creating a good self-image for her early on. I think that calling her beautiful might help *prevent* her from having image problems later on. So you should keep on doing it, in my opinion.
I found out well after I turned 20 that, when I was a kid, my mom would whisper positive things to me after I’d gone to bed. Things like “you’re smart” or “you’re a good person” or something - I’m not sure exactly what. I suspect that her telling me those things as I was falling deeper into sleep helped give me greater self-confidence as an adult.
Saying good things (that we believe - gotta have the sincerity behind it) to our kids can only bolster them. They’re going to see all the crazy image problems out there, so telling your kid she’s beautiful isn’t going to be the thing to introduce her to worrying about her self-image.
I have five daughters, and my little one is nearly 2 years old. In my observation, when they are very young, we do tend to comment on their appearance. But– as their little personalities emerge, it levels out… “My beautiful girl..” will become “My smart daughter” and “My clever girl” and “You are so observant” and “You have excellent manners” and so many other things.
Eventually, when they are insolent, rebellious teenagers, a whole NEW category of adjectives is opened up to you!! Hang in there. I think it’s OK to call her pretty and beautiful - in fact, I think it’s IMPORTANT - but it needs to be balanced with other key things too.
Every girl needs to know she is beautiful, inside and out.
I think there are two issues here. I call both my boy and girl “beautiful,” “gorgeous,” etc. I want them both to know they are beautiful and if they hear it enough they are more likely to believe it. I never heard it and I don’t believe it. Which leads me to my second point.
How we feel about ourselves really affects how our children view themselves. When I realized how much I “joke” about my looks, I realized the message I sent to my kids and it really forced me to work on it myself. I still have a ways to go, but hopefully they’ll feel better about their appearance, themselves, than I did.
There is one thing that I think you missed about the statistics that they brought up. There is a REASON that they specifically talk about MOTHERS being a cause, and not PARENTS.
As you note, a father will almost always refer to his daughter as “beautiful”, “pretty”, “princess”, etc. However it is (usually) the mother that in playing the part of “role model” for her daughter, starts to “caution” her about or “teach” her things like, (while doing hair or something like that) “You want to look pretty don’t you”, “you don’t want to get fat do you?”
All things well intentioned, but in spirit of how they are taken, really quite negative. I am not pretty of I don’t do things to improve my appearance (do hair, wear dress, etc), I have to be concerned about weight or people won’t like me, My Role Model (Mom) always needs to wear make-up to look “presentable” when she goes out, natural is not sufficient.
This show was so poignant for me in this time of my life. I’m ramping up to having children. My husband and I intend to start “trying” in a few months…and this whole last year has been spent getting my self-esteem, body-image, weight and eating disorder issues under wraps. These are things that I have lived with my whole life, but it has only been recently that I have been able to see myself for who I really am, which is so much more than just a what’s on the outside - but at the same time, taking care of oneself physically is important too. I’ve done this work because I, more than anything else in the world, do not want to pass on this self-torture to my children. My mom passed it on to me and my sisters, her mom onto her, etc etc. The buck stops here. I think the gyst of this show was that you need to get your own house in order, because your children will model what you do, good or bad.
My fiancee is very attractive, but she’s convinced she needs to lose 100 lbs and can’t leave the house to go to the grocery store without spending 45 minutes doing her hair and makeup. I used to wonder why, but as I’ve spent more and more time around her family, I’ve realized why. Every woman in her family — mom, sisters, cousins, neices — all pick at each others looks in the guise of trying to “help” each other.
“Oh, you didn’t decide to put makeup on?”
“Are you sure that outfit looks good on you?”
“Your hair would have been really pretty if you had just done this with it.”
I’m convinced this is why she is the way she is about her looks. And I’m terrified what will happen if someday we have a daughter — I don’t want to get kicked out of the family, but I will absolutely go apeshit on the first person that starts in on her.
Your wife’s father never told her she was beautiful (that I can recall - he certainly never said it to me). We both know that she is far more beautiful than she knows or believes. I wonder how she may be different had she felt her father thought she was beautiful? Don’t stop saying it. It’s a gift that every daughter, beautiful or not, should receive from her father. And you can tell your wife her older sister said so!
Hmmm. I was instantly reminded of this blog entry on Chookooloonks (a.k.a. Karen Walrond): http://www.chookooloonks.com/chookooloonks/2006/04/on_beauty.html
I think that beautiful encompasses more than physical beauty. I just had a conversation with a five year old friend of mine and took the time to remind her that, yes, she is beautiful. Then I explained why. I gave her examples of her kindness, her thoughtfulness, her creativity. I explained that these things make her beautiful insinde and out, and I enjoy spending time with her because of how wonderful she is. You don’t ever have to stop telling your daughter she is beautiful.
I was going to say exactly the same thing as Amy. Why must ‘beautiful’ refer only to stereotypical physical beauty? In ancient the Greek the word that is often translated as beauty is kalos, which refers to beauty in form but also refers to beauty more generally, and so can also be translated as fine, excellent, or noble. Beauty transcends form. My grandmother was beautiful. My husband is beautiful. That which is beautiful is that which simply makes the heart swell. Beautiful music. A beautiful soul. Your daughter is most certainly beautiful. Not because of her physical beauty - although I don’t doubt the fact of that - but because of her preciousness, her uniqueness. Never stop telling her that she’s beautiful, and never stop telling her why.
I have a granddaughter whose very name, Belle, means beautiful. She is a very beautiful child and her mother tells her all the time. My daughter is very focused on everyone thinking that her daughter is beautiful and not as much on other aspects of her being. My daughter is young and as such, I don’t fault her for her ignorance in what she is doing to her daughter. I do worry that Belle and other little girls in similar situations will grow up with these preconceived notions of what beautiful means. I do my best to let her know that beauty is more than skin deep.
When I was little and growing up, my dad always told my sister and me that we were smart and pretty. It was so nice to operate from a base of confidence. :) (Mom was terrific too, but this was a dad-thread.)
You must not have read the small print in the contract which clearly states thave having children can be damn challenging:-) It’s nice to call someone beautiful and I wouldn’t worry about it too much. It all depends on how you are doing it and if you as a parent is fixated on your childs looks. There are unfortunately many who fall into that trap. If your planning on entering your child in beauty contests at age 3, I think you’ve got a problem.
AD
AD, I want to know where you got a contract from, I surely didn’t get one.
Matthew,
From a woman and mom perspective, there is nothing wrong with calling your daughter beautiful. As long as you tell her other things as well. The problem comes in when people only tell their kids they are one thing, then it’s all they know.
There is an episode of CSI (sorry) that talks about this. I forget how long ago it was, but there is a model who gets killed. They are talking about how they don’t get it and one of the CSI chicks, says “Sarah, did your dad tell you you were pretty”? and she says yes. And then she says, did he tell you you were smart, and she say, all the time. And then she says, well this girl never got told anything buy how pretty she was, and she eventually learned that it was all she was.
So, keep telling Bri she is beautiful. Because it is important for her self-esteen. Just also tell her she is smart and amazing and talented as well.
A very nice post Matthew! Here’s how I think I’ll handle it with my little girl (now just over 2 years old), whom I (rightfully) think is the most beautiful little girl ever to set foot on this earth. ;-)
- Tell her she’s beautiful as often as I want…along with all of the other image/character-building things I can think of (intelligence, kindness, thoughtfulness, athleticism, creativity, etc.) to help build her a solid foundation of confidence (like Lady M refers too).
- Teach her to eat healthy as a lifestyle (versus dieting, fasting, anorexia, etc.).
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