A different time
Child's Play x2 | April 14As I stood in line at the grocery store last night, a darling 5-year-old girl with beautiful, very long, blonde hair was playing in front of me while her mother paid for the grocery. She smiled at me as she twirled in the small space between the conveyor belt loaded up with food for the coming week and the myriad of candy with names likes Rolos and Payday beckoning anyone who passed by. I smiled back and told her she had beautiful hair.
I glance up at her mother and smiled as I said this. My smile faded as I realized that her mother was very unsure about this strange man talking to her daughter. I tried my best to give the mother a reassuring smile but it was to no avail. It was clear that I was not welcome to talk to her child so I took her cue and waited for them to leave so I could pay for my own groceries.
I walked out feeling a little defeated. I have little doubt that if I had been a woman, my commenting on the child’s beautiful hair would not have been met with such worry. I wanted to run after the mother and explain that I have two beautiful children of my own - that we’re in the same club. We’re traveling the same path. We have something in common. But I knew better. To her I was just a man. Perhaps a dangerous man and that hurts sometimes. I love the energy that children provide. I work where children run around all-day long. My life’s work has been to help children have a better life and yet I am judged by my male-ness, if you will, by mothers who do not know me.
I realize we live in a different time. I realize that our fears of child abduction are valid. I just find it sad that we cannot take a compliment from a stranger as just a compliment. In an age of child abductions leading the evening news and Amber Alerts being sent to our cell phones, we are more aware of this crime that at any time before us. It makes me long for the days of innocence when a little boy or girl could play safely in their front yard or walk down the street to a friend’s house or even ride their bike to school.
And a man could smile at a child in a grocery store and not be thought of as a threat.
I hear you. It’s ridiculous. I was excited when Hayes was born so that I could talk to little kids and be able to preface it with the parent as “How old is s/he? I have a *blank* month old!” Otherwise it’s just assumed you’re a child molestor. I mean, after all, why would anyone want to talk to a cute kid?
That is even true for ladies.
It is completely okay for me to talk to kids if I have my own kids with me, but if I am alone, people look at me funny when I try to be nice to their kids. It is sad that there is so much to be worried about.
At least she didn’t cry out “STRANGER DANGER!!!!!!” for everyone to look at you like you were the criminal. My conversation with my kids goes something like…
Me: Don’t talk to strangers honey.
Her: Come on Dad you know you are the strangest person I know.
I long for those days again too. Sorry that you had that experience.
My only promise is that it ends with me. The only thing that happends when someone compliments my kid, no matter who it is, is that I remind him to say, “Thank You.”
Very sad indeed!
It’s totally true for women, too.
When I want to give a compliment, I always reference the fact that I have kids, too. Like telling the girl she has beautiful hair, and then saying to the mom something like “My younger son is just starting to get hair now, and I wonder if it’s going to be blonde or dark.” It’s just a way to let people know you have an interest because you’re a parent, too, not just some odd stranger.
I’m a very nonscary (I think?!!) looking lady, and random kids tend to talk to me as I probably look quite like their mummy. I was on the train from London (UK) last week, and a little girl of about 5 said “hello” whilst her mother was on the phone - yapping away for an hour, ignoring her child (even when she asked to go to the loo!!). It would be rude to ignore her greeting, so I said “Hello” back. Her mum gave me the Death Stare From Hell and said “I’d rather you didn’t talk to my child, you don’t know her”. Erm - hello?! You just spent the last 20 minutes ignoring your child and wasn’t keeping watch on who she spoke to, but I can’t return a greeting? (I should add - very prejudicially but nevermind - she was the utter spit of one of those sticklike Jucy-Couture-tracksuit-wearing I’ve-got-a-cute-child-as-an-accessory ‘Yummy Mummies’). I just smiled and said “I was just saying hello back to her, it would have been rude not to reply”. She flounced off in a huff, silly mare, and the kid very sweetly smiled and said “bye bye”. At least one of them had manners.
It is sad that everyone is a potential threat to kids, but I get cross when parents aren’t even paying attention to their children, and then assume you’re out to get them. I am sure you didn’t look too scary :)
Hmmm…me thinks the mom would not have been so “cold” if you had complimented her hair! ;)
It is sad that we live like this now. Fear has taken hold…
It’s ironic that abduction stats have actually gone down…but the media plays it up and plays on our fears and as parents…how can we not react?
That said…if someone compliments your child and you are right there…a thank you does not harm anyone…
[…] I was reading through the comments at The Blogfathers, one of the other 16 sites/blogs where I contribute, and I read a comment by Jen at beanlet’s blog: (I should add - very prejudicially but nevermind - she was the utter spit of one of those stick like Jucy-Couture-tracksuit-wearing I’ve-got-a-cute-child-as-an-accessory ‘Yummy Mummies’). […]
Since the Munchkin will talk to ANYONE in a store (and will spend time saying “hi” or “hello” repeatedly until she gets someone’s attention, especially if it’s someone close to her age or size), we tend to get many comments. It’s sad that I even have to think of my kids’ safety anytime someone talks to them. I try to take it all in stride and just be more aware of where I am, and who is around me. I don’t want to be perpeptually afraid, just vigilant.
Some of the fears of child abduction are valid. Some of them are paranoia fueled by 24 hours news channels that have to broadcast something. I take every REASONABLE precaution in protecting my children, but I’m not going to live in fear.
I make it a habit to address parents first… “How old is your daughter? Oh, really, my little girl is 19 months old now. It’s amazing how fast it goes.” I have found that usually, once the parent has been acknowledged, I seem less threatening. “Hi there! You have the prettiest hair I think I’ve ever seen. My daughter has short hair. All of her hair fell out when she was a tiny baby and it has taken so long for it to grow back.” And then address the parent again, “I’ll bet she takes the most beautiful pictures. Y’all have a great day/evenin’.”
I’ve always talked to everyone else’s kids and I don’t think I’ve gotten a negative response. I’m lucky in that sense I suppose. When I was little (7yrs to 10yrs) my mom made me walk to school unless it was raining. I went back to visit the neighborhood 20 yrs later and was amazed that the school was a little over a mile away from my old house. And my mother LET us walk there. Alone. Yipes. I’m wary of people talking to my kids but I also make a mental picture in my head for the police if need be. Sorry that you had a bad experience.
I agree with the people above, it happens to women too. I know it has happend to me. Not when I have the kids, but when I’m alone. One the other side of that, when I have someone compliment me on my kids or them directly, I always say thanks and talk to them. Unless they have that sign that says Ax Murdered painted on their head. And most the time they don’t.
I think some women have issues with men around thier kids, especially girls. It’s hard to say that they shouldn’t be like that, because you never know what could have happend to them in their life. But I’ve found that most people who notice and say something to my kids, have kids themselves. And they tell me that after I’ve talked to them for 2 seconds. Imagine what she would have done though if she seen those cute budda babies you have. It would have been totally different.
I’m not so worried about someone harming my child as I am in someone complete stranger striking up a conversation, and then, after about a minute, giving some completely off-the-wall parenting advice and insisting that you should follow it. This has happened to me so many times I’ve lost track, and it makes me very suspicious of anyone who starts talking to me about my daughter. Man or woman, young or old, it doesn’t matter. Sure, they might seem okay, but in a few more seconds, out will come the crazy. And since I’ve been friendly, it’s hard to make them just go away.
Here’s some actual incidents, from rough memory but pretty accurate:
“You can’t have an infant in a baby carrier like that! They must be cradled horizontally in your arms!”
“She needs water. She’s very dehydrated. You need to get her some water.”
“Now, you put her to sleep in a crib at night, right?”
“You learn to just lie to them. It’s so much easier. You’ll see. You’ll see.”
“In a few years, you need to get some rock salt and a shotgun. For all the boys. Rock salt and a shotgun. That’s what I did. Yes. (*cackles disturbingly*) Rock salt!”
And that’s not even counting the without-asking cheek-pinching and hand-grabbing. Please! The poor little kid is working hard enough to develop a full immune system and does not need your help.
I agree that it’s tough being treated as a threat just because you’re a man. I know there’s a lot of scary stuff out there, but I’m just a guy who likes chatting and playing with kids, not some whacko pervert childstealer. I’ve already got a child of my own, thanks… why would I want to steal yours? Trust me, I’m not that desperate for another set of dirty diapers to change.
God, it’s so sad what we’ve come to. The generation I grew up with (Gen X) was taught all strangers (slanted male) are perceived to be abductors and molesters. Remember the candy, and white vans public service commercials?
I always let people talk to my daughter, and I tell her “as long as you don’t go away with them”.
When I chat or say hello to another persons kid, I do so freely when my daughter is around. If not, I’ll usually address the parent first with “My daughter… *insert whatever*..”. and then to the kid.
Man did this resonate with me. The other day I was with my 9 month old daughter at the zoo and a couple of cute kids came up to see her and we chatted for a minute about names, ages, babies and how cool the zoo was. When the girls mother noticed they were talking with me (nevermind that I had an infant girl in my arms) she immediately snatched them away and stated, “Sorry, they don’t know that it’s not alright to be so friendly to everyone.” My gut reaction was,”What!? ” and then, “no really, its fine they just wanted to see the baby.”. I was really depressed after this little incident, feeling that despite my role as a SAHD, the moms will always percieve me as a potential threat…hopefully, this won’t affect my daughters ability to make friends.
Pete
What immediately caught my attention about this exchange was the gendered nature of the compliment: you commented on the (girl) child’s physical appearance. This is part of the problem: when girls are sexualized so young, there is (understandable) fear that they may become sexual victims. Next time, try complimenting a girl on something other than her beauty or appearance. It might not endear the parent to the messenger, but at least the message won’t participate in the culture that condones treating girls and women as sex objects.
To Aelis: Hmmm. My first reaction when reading your comment was to be totally offended that you are suggesting that just because I am a man and that I made a comment about a girl’s appearance that I am somehow treating this child as a sex object. However, I think, at the same time you made and missed my the point. I am lamenting the fact that we have gotten to the point in our society that any innocuous attempt at a compliment can be construed as a threat and, as you suggested, sexual.
Now, I know from your email address that you attend a very liberal college (as did I on the opposite coast) and I know that it is popular at campuses such as yours to push the sexual oppression card and even make men out as the enemy. But, my hope is that as we mature we can see that men aren’t the enemy. Rather, they are sons, brothers, uncles, nephews and, in my case, fathers. Fathers that love their children and through that experience love all children.
I understand that it is natural that women might find a man they don’t know complimenting their daughter as a threat. It doesn’t mean that it’s right.
Just writing to let you know that I posted in response to your post here (I don’t see a trackback link - sorry if I missed it): http://commeo.blogspot.com/2006/04/late-night-post-on-disadvantages-of.html
[…] Child’s playX2 over at Blogfathers wrote an interesting article the other day about the changing times, and how he was looked at with suspicion by a mother after he commented on a little girl’s pretty hair. He said that he found himself longing for a time of innocence when children could play in the front yard, and men weren’t treated with suspicion when commenting on a little girl’s hair. […]
Very sad, indeed.
I let my girls know that as long as Mom or Dad are nearby, they can talk to anyone, stranger or not. That they are safe if we are there. That strangers (men and women, I don’t specify gender) are only worrisome when they aren’t near someone to keep them safe until they are big enough to know how to keep themselves safe.
I have a daughter with curly hair who gets compliments all the time. I’ve never been anything but proud (on her behalf) to inspire such communication between people. This planet needs MORE human to human communication, not less.