Busy Goomah
Busy Mom | April 5
BIYF here… Today we launch a new feature at The Blogfathers. Every month we’ll be joined by one of our favorite Goomah’s (that would be mommy bloggers for you jamooks), who will grace us with her womanly wisdom and unique perspective on this thing of ours. Mafia tradition dictates that Friday nights are reserved for girlfriends. But since the streets and back alleys of blogland tend to clear out on the weekends, we’ve decided to have our little flings on hump-day. Got a problem with that?!?! So, to kick things off, we present one of the best… Busy Mom.
I am very honored to be the first Goomah of the Month here at the Blogfathers! I have tried and tried to think of something to write about, I wanted to kick off the Goomah thing right. I’ve even started a couple of entries and abandoned them, because, they just weren’t right for some reason. A call from my own father, about nothing specific, really, made it clear to me what I’m supposed to write about fatherhood here. I set out to write this from the perspective of a mommy, but, it turned into the perspective of a daughter, I hope you don’t mind me straying from the theme a bit.
I know that most Blogfathers readers relate to each other because we are in various stages of parenthood. Some of you are just beginning, others of us have been at it a little while longer, and, still others are well into the journey. But, what we all have in common is that we are in it for life.
My mother is dying of lung cancer. Cancer sucks (Don’t smoke, please? I just had to throw that in, sorry), and, it’s very sad. My parents will have been married 50 years this June, I am their only child. My father is a Marine and a man of few words, he has been a quiet force of calm and reason for my entire life.
I have gone to college, gotten married, and, now have a family of my own. I am 41 years old and, am, (allegedly) grown up. I have been wrapped up in facing my new role as the Sandwich Generation Poster Child, caring for my aging parents. Admittedly, it’s come a lot earlier than I thought it would, but, I have been wrestling with the fact that, now, I am the one in charge and supposed to have all the answers. I have wondered how my father always knew what do do, how everything was always carefully planned and thought out. How can I match that and be there for my parents the same way?
The answer is that I can’t. Since my mother has been ill, my father and I have talked more in depth than we ever have before, and, I’ve learned that he doesn’t have all the answers, and, doesn’t always know what to do.
This is the part where you are expecting me to say that I have learned he is human and we’re equal and rainbows and stuff come flying out of my ass in a made-for-TV movie moment of clarity. Nope. I am 41 years old and it scared me to death to find out he doesn’t always know what to do. But, I’ll get over that part.
What he does do without fail is maintain a strength that lets me know he will figure it out. It’s not about grown children failing to “launch”, it’s simply the gift of being a stabilizing force for his kids no matter what age they are. Sure, it’s a big responsibility, and, it’s actually kind of nebulous. There’s no way to measure how you’re doing, but, it’s part of what goes along with being a parent for your entire life, not just the first eighteen years. I know this gift isn’t exclusive to dads, I just think fathers have a special role. I know not everyone is as lucky as I am to have such a father in their lives, but, I just wanted to remind you that, though we eventually learn to get our own juice from the refrigerator, your children really do need you for life.
Congrats on being the first Goomah!!
I have to say…I loved reading this. My parents are getting up there…my dad just turned 62 today and my mom is 60 and I am truly starting to fear their deaths. Sometimes I have to stop driving…or working…or whatnot cuz when I think about either one of them NOT being here…I start to cry and panic.
My dad is quite like yours. He was not military…but he has always been this quiet kind of force…always there for me regardless of the mistakes I make. I am 34 now…and still…I call him if I am really down or panicking or needing some guidance. The best thing about my father…is that he knows how to make me think…make choices without lecturing or talking down to me and just lets me find my way.
Congrats, what a wonderful post. At 29, I still like when my mom comes over and helps me with my own children.
I have been working very hard on fooling my kids that I’m large and in charge, but they seem tomsee the cracks now and then, and I am able to fill the cracks. Perhaps you shaped your father into what he is by making him the father he needed to be?
This is to Jen - Unless your parents are sickly or frail or have aged much more rapidly than the average person of my generation, you should rethink the “My parents are getting up there . . . .” Up there?? UP THERE?? UP WHERE???? You need to get over the crying and panic attacks because let me tell you that most people 62 and 60 years of age are not ready to sit back in a rocking chair and twiddle their thumbs. Your parents probably aren’t, either, and might be very surprised that you practically have them with one foot in the grave! I am 62 with one 13-year-old grandchild and I never miss a football, baseball, or basketball game and I also make it to every football and baseball practice. I even took him to a dance last weekend and actually had him believing that I planned to stay and dance (probably would have, too, if I wasn’t so afraid it would have embarrassed him). I also have a full-time job. Any my mother, who is 82, God bless her, makes it to every football, basketball, and baseball game, too - alternating between games because she has three grandchildren of varying ages. So stop thinking of how if will be to lose your parents and start thinking how great it is that you still have them! Putting away my soap box now.
I am fortunate to have, comparatively, very young parents. My husband’s parents are in their 60’s and are healthy and active in their small town, but my husband is an only child and we live 2 hours away from them. I know that they have thought about their later years (and are currently helping to care for my MIL’s 91-year-old mother, who is in very poor health), and it is hard for us to think about them, too, especially when it comes to their care.
My own dad has been the stoic Japanese type all his life, but he has a wickedly dry sense of humor. I once remarked to my husband that I have never seen him cry, and I never want to, because I think the world may stop turning. He’s just not an emotional person, but he can express himself when he wants to. A word from him can settle me down faster than anything else when I’m upset or angry. While my mom was (and still is) the mover and shaker in the family, my dad has always been the quiet force. As I get older, I realize how much I have appreciated them and the blessings of a stable childhood and young adulthood.
Yeah Busy Mom!
My parents are still fairly young. But I know that doesn’t mean much in the long run. You know I keep your mom in my thoughts.
Yay for Busy Mom who is an honorary Goomah! You boys couldn’t have chosen a better gal to kick this off.
And to think she didn’t have enough stuff for a FAQ. How about the Blogfathers write some questions for her, huh?
Just a suggestion. If it really sucks, then I wasn’t here at all. Don’t follow me. I’m easily scared.
Hi Busy Mom, this is my first time to the Blogfathers. Nice to meet you.
I agree with you about being a parent for life. My Mom is 89 and still actively involved as my parent, just as I expect to be with my kids. Its for life eh? :-)
For Nana…wow. Do you practice being mean to others?
I was not making any statement about my parents with one foot in the grave…and I appreciate every day I have with them.
I was merely stating that I get upset thinking about their deaths…DOWN THE ROAD. I think that is quite normal for anyone and I feel you are being a bit harsh.
My father plays tennis, basketball, skis and is VERY active. My mother takes care of my kiddos two days a week, is an artist, travels annually, works fulltime as a nurse and is full of energy.
Is it wrong of me to think about how empty my world and my childrens worlds will be when they pass?
I think you took what I wrote…merely as a comment…a bit too personally. I wasn’t making any statement that people in their 60’s are old or have their feet already in the grave. I was merely sharing my feelings!
Please read the Bloggers Code of Conduct…which is on this site…before jumping down someones throat and putting words into their mouth. I am a person…not some cog in a computer.
Yikes. You hit me on a rough day with this post. My Mom just got out of surgery. And I’m sitting by the phone, annoyed that my father has not called yet.
I guess we’re always kids. And they are always parents. And it never ends…
I’m here with both feet next to the grave at 42 and begging someone to push!
What a fantastic post for this blog! I think that a lot of people have similar memories of their fathers. My own isn’t military, but he’s always been calmer and he thinks more logically than anyone I know. Incidentally, I’ve only seen him cry once - at his father’s funeral when I was eight - but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t get teary-eyed every now-and-again. My dad doesn’t know everything either, but he never panics when he doesn’t have an answer, and I think that’s a big part of it.
And hey, we’ve all had thoughts about our parents not being around, but it doesn’t mean we think they’re down for the count yet. I don’t think Nana was trying to be mean, I think she was just trying to point that out. Worrying isn’t going to get any of us any more time, it’ll just waste the time we do have with them. I know I have to remind myself of that sometimes! :)
Awesome post. I agree wholeheartedly…CANCER SUCKS. I plan to purchase a shirt and hat stating such…unfortunately they do exist. My dad will turn 70 in a few days and he was diagnosed with melanoma last year. Oh yeah, chemo sucks too. I still rely on my parents for their guidance and opinions, etc. Over the last year, I’ve finally been able to give back a small portion to them as a tribute to all they’ve done for me in my 36 years. Sadly, over the years I’ve learned that not many folks are as fortunate to be blessed with wonderful parents…for life. Thanks for sharing.
I consider it a privilege to be a parent for life and hope I can live up to the expectations. And cancer does suck, I’ve got experience with that from both my mother and father.
Nice weekend
AD
I just stumbled onto this site, and read your post.
As always - good job.
Cas.
Beautiful. And brilliant. And wow, I get it. I feel a little this way too, just thinking of what’s inevitably to come.
Great post, Busy Mom. I would have loved for my Dad to be here to help me figure out taking care of my mother and my girls, but he’s been gone for five years. He always knew what to do. It’s just taking me longer to figure it all out.
Great post, BusyMom (as usual)…
I am lucky enough to have a close relationship with both my parents who are, yes, getting up there (meaning they are slowing down, unable to do things they used to do like, for example, chase around a 2 year old for a day). My dad, like yours, has always been a strong but not very vocal presence in my life (unless, of course, his COMB was misisng from the medicine cabinet - then everyone should WATCH OUT and yes, he was vocal haha). We like to get him all liquored up ’cause he’ll talk then, and he even gets all mushy. Once, after I was married to my husband for 7 years or so and was in my mid 30s, he pulled him aside and told him “If you ever hurt my daughter, I’ll kick your ass.” hhahahahah