Life’s Lessons, Sometimes They Suck
Genuine | March 29
My wife and I are struggling today with our emotions. Sometimes being a parent is not any fun. Don’t get me wrong, parenting is full of rewards, but days like today make me question my faith in parenting.
I posted a story on my blog of a little boy next door to us that is the same age as my oldest daughter. At the end of summer last year he was diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer. He passed away this morning as he slept between his Mommy and Daddy.
Our two older children were like siblings to this little boy. Right now they are out of town enjoying Spring Break with their grandparents. They knew that he was being treated by doctors for something that was wrong, but this came on so fast, we were unable to prepare them for the inevitable. Mrs. G and I have the problem of breaking the news to them when they return. How do you tell a 5 year old and 6 year old that the friend they had when they left has passed away? What is the best way to approach this life lesson?
In this particular instance the family has decided to have a viewing as part of the service. I don’t think I will have my children attend for various reasons. At what age is it appropriate to have children attend a funeral? See what I mean? Sometimes parenting sucks.
I am afraid I don’t have any advice on how to handle this. It’s so huge and very traumatic. All I can say is my thoughts are with that family and yours. I cannot even wrap my head around what they must be going through with the loss of a child.
I lost my best friend when I was six and my parents did not let me attend the funeral. I didn’t even deal with his death until I was in middle school, but I always wished I had attended the funeral. Now that I have a 5 year old myself, I am not as sure. Would I have dealt with it earlier and easier if I had gone to the funeral? Or did my child mind not deal with it until I was mature enough to handle it? There isn’t an easy answer in this situation and I am so sorry for you and your children and your neighbors and all the people who loved that little boy.
Oh wow. I wish I could say something that would help. I lost my father suddenly at age 6. I would suggest being honest and answer any questions they may have. I think attending the funeral might be helpful but I can also see how it might be a bit much. It seems you might have to judge how your kids react to the news.
Best of luck to you.
One of my very first memories was attending my great-grandfather’s funeral and seeing him in the casket. I was two. That moment was so vivid for me that I have remembered it ever since.
When I was 19, I lost two friends within a month of each other - one to a car accident and one to a brain tumor. There is nothing worse - at any age - to learn that a peer and a friend has died. To a kid, it makes them feel very vulnerable - “if my friend died, then I could, too” - and you need to be able to address their fears about their own mortality. Since the kids knew that their friend was ill and being treated, the best way to tell them is to just sit them down (with lots of Kleenex on hand) and say that he was much sicker than they knew, and the doctors weren’t able to help him, and he has died. If you have any kind of faith/religious background, putting death into that context is also going to be important.
They may feel badly that they didn’t get to say good-bye. This is where I think that they should be able to attend the funeral if they want to. I would tell them up front what it would be like, and that his body will be there. Let the kids choose. This is going to be a tragedy that they will remember for the rest of their lives - let them create the memories and have the closure that they need.
My heart just hurts for the family, and for your kids, too. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child. My thoughts are with you all - let us know how this turns out for your kids, if you can.
Thanks for sharing. Life is just not fair. Just makes me realize again that nothing except family really matters.
I think it can be appropriate for your kids to attend but only if you can tell them what’s really going on. It depends on your connection with your kids. I would have like to take my son but only you can make the right decision for you.
Thanks again for sharing
AD with family
Wow… such a sad story. I would offer some insight to the viewing thing, as I was 5 years old when my grandmother died, and I went to the viewing. It didn’t traumatize me, and in fact, I think I understood death better than most of my peers. However, this is a fellow child, not an older person, so… I have no idea. My heart goes out to the family and to you guys.
You don’t have to be a parent to think that sucks. That’s the part of life that sucks.
At least he fell asleep between two people who loved him immensely, rather than by himself and full of tubes.
Please don’t take them to the viewing. Let them remember him in the way they want to. If you take them to the viewing, they’re almost forced to have that as their last image of him in their head. And for the same reason I wouldn’t take them to the funeral. Their last memory of him is probably of playing with him, why let it be of a bunch of people who are (rightfully) incredibly upset?
I wish there was something I could say to make this better and easier. There isn’t. There never will be. Hopefully time just makes it easier to deal with…
My first child died during delivery. I’ve since had subsequent children who know that they have an older sister who died. One day, they gave me a hard time about the fact that they didn’t get to meet her. I would have liked for them to have met her, but seeing as how they weren’t born until after her, things didn’t work that way.
Children need to be given a chance to grieve and say goodbye, especially when they are as old as yours are. I am not particularly a fan of viewings, but they are a way of letting people see the body and say goodbye. For many people, it’s helpful.
Some resources for you to check out. Most of these are for siblings, but you have said your children loved this friend like a sibling:
http://www.aplacetoremember.com/frames/biblio2.html
http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/resources_loss_grief_child_grief.shtml
http://www.compassionatefriends.org/Siblings/Sibling_Entrance.html
May you be able to find peace and closure in this awful time.
So sad… My heart aches for you all.
I’m really sorry, my friend. I get choked up just thinking about that.
Whatever choice you make in regards to your kids, I’m sure it will be the right one as long as you are there to be with them and help them understand and grieve. Best wishes and good luck…
I agree with Adventure Dad, it really depends on the kids. They need to understand the truth about his passing, but I think it is easier to digest at their own pace if they don’t see him at the viewing.
Sympathies to both familes.
I’m going to agree with AD and the others that it depends on the child. Both of my grandfathers passed when I was 5 and I went to both funerals. I don’t remember any of it except at one I was worried that Grampa would get in trouble cause he wasn’t home for dinner. I didn’t have to deal with a death again until I was 16 or 17. If you think they have a good grasp of what’s going on and they say they want to go (to say goodbye or to see him once more) I think it should be considered. Being a mom myself (3yrs and 1yr) it’s a tough call to make. Our thoughts and prayers are with his family and yours as well.
I really feel for you guys, and for your neighbors as well. I can’t imagine what I’d be feeling if that were my kid.
As to the attendance of funerals, I’m going to go ahead and agree strongly with Courtney and Deanna. The kids will understand what has happened, one way or another. This is an opportunity for you to help them deal appropriately with the grieving process, part of which is saying good-bye. Explain the facts, answer their questions, and help them say good-bye to their friend when they are ready. If they want to go to the funeral, let them.
The Voice is three, and has attended two funerals this year. Though it is a little spooky to listen to a pre-schooler talk about death in understanding terms, I think his understanding has helped him process undeniable events in a way that is healthier than would be possible if he didn’t understand exactly what has happened, and what the implications are.
Believe me, I can relate to the urge to protect your kids from troubling ideas and experiences. But I really think it’s best to take these opportunities to guide the offspring through tough times as they occur.
My prayers are with the boys family, and your family as well.
I am sorry for your loss..
What a difficult lesson to have to learn and teach. The problem with trying to teach a 5 year old about a trajedy like this is our own lack of good answers.
I don’t think I would allow my children to view a dead body until they were twelve or so, this number is completely arbitrary and depending on the myriad of circumstance surrounding death could easily change.
God Bless
The loss of a child so young is tragic.
I was raised in a mostly Irish-Catholic family, so I had lots of cousins, great-aunts, etc. (especially on one side of the family). Which means there were a large number of wakes & funerals. Just as a point of reference, my parents took me to those events ever since I can remember, and I think I’ve turned out OK. It of course is up to you, but this is just my data point on the “take/don’t take” question. I certainly am able to handle attending funerals, that’s for sure.
My son is six, and he has had many questions about mortality, death, and “what happens after”…since he was four. If your kids are like mine, they’ll appreciate an open explanation along the lines of Deanna’s suggestion. I imagine they will have many questions, some of which won’t leak out for weeks, maybe months.
If you decide not to take them to the funeral (I think the viewing may be scary, but only you and your kids can decide that), perhaps you could have your own private “goodbye” ceremony, where you look at pictures and share stories about this friend, and perhaps write notes to him which you then toss into the sea (not sure if that’s geographically workable for you, but you get my drift).
You and your kids could also do something for the family — bring a meal, write a letter — which could help them find a constructive place to work out their grief, at least in the short term.
Whatever you decide, I’m sure will be the right thing for your family. I wish you all the best as you work through this together.
Sometimes I think kids are stronger than adults give them credit for. Possibly because they come at these things without a history, with rahter an open, naive innocence. They aren’t afraid to question. Kids are resilient. Then again, facing your own mortality is pretty heavy for a 5 year old. Yet, death is a part of life and a funeral can be a celebration of a life. Still, kids may have trouble understanding that what happened to that kid won’t necessarily happen to them….
Wow. Tough one, dude. Let us know how and what you decide.
That’s terrible. I think if it were me, I would tend towards bringing my daughter to the memorial service. As other posters have said, though, you know your kids best. If you think they can handle it, bring them.
A funeral really isn’t for the dead, it’s a chance for the living to grieve and to say goodbye, and to show support for the family. I’m sure that your friends would appreciate seeing their son’s best friends there.
I was 6 when I lost my best friend, who was also my cousin to cancer. My parents read a book called “The Fall of Freddie the Leaf” to me to help me deal with her death. As a teacher, I haved used this book in my classroom to talk about death with my students. Hope this helps you and your family. I’m sorry for your loss.
Learning about/showing compassion might be good way for your kids to deal with this new experience and it may bring comfort to those pore hurting parents. I’m not suggesting they ‘keep a stiff upper lip’, but things may seem less helpless if feel they’re making a contribution. My sympathies to you all.
Learning about/showing compassion might be good way for your kids to deal with this new experience and it may bring comfort to those pore hurting parents. I’m not suggesting they ‘keep a stiff upper lip’, but things may seem less helpless if they feel they’re making a contribution. My sympathies to you all.
I read this post yesterday, and can hardly think of anything else. How my heart aches for you, your children, and for this family.
I would add one wrinkle to the excellent comments made above: all funerals are not created equal. Is it a funeral - with body present - or a memorial service, which often takes place after cremation or a private burial? If it is a funeral, will it be an open or closed casket ceremony? You can call the funeral director, tell them your situation, and ask these questions. Then you can make a more informed decision AND help to prepare/interpret the proceedings for your kids.
Also, on the subject of “all funerals are not created equal” - some religious traditions (I grew up in the Bible belt) see funerals as an opportunity for evangelism. If the clergy person leading the service is likely to use the fear of death or hell to scare mourners into religious conversion — I’d keep the kids at home. Again, call the funeral director or the clergy person directly if you have questions.
Again, my heart aches for you and this family.
I lost my aunt to cancer a few months before I became pregnant with my daughter. I’m not a child, but it was the first death I’ve had to deal with, and it was especially traumatic because I was with her when she died. I did not want to view her body before the funeral, but a family member reassured me and took me in to see her. Obviously, everyone is different, but seeing her (as well as all the photos that were at the funeral) really helped me to accept what had happened and to remember her as she was before her illness transformed her.
I whole-heartedly agree with the suggestions that you allow your children to help out the family by preparing food or some other constructive outlet (artwork for or about their friend for instance) to help them process what has happened. Just remember that you know your children better than anyone, and that there is no one right answer. ~I wish you all the best.
I can tell you that while pregnant with my 3rd born (a girl) my brother-in-law unexpectedly died . He drowned while on a vacation in Mexico with my sister-in-law who was also pregnant with a girl, and a 2 year old boy at home. I also had two boys one was 4 one was 3, they were very very close to him and a part of our everyday lives. We did much research on how to handle it and talked to our pediatrician. Our conclusion was that they needed to mourn just like the adults do they needed to be a part of the entire process…the saying good-bye, crying, confusion and even though the 3 boys ranged in age of 2-4. They healed over time and in the long run we felt that it was the healthiest way to have handled it. We are christian and talked a lot about heaven and we also had them draw pictures and we released them up into the sky.We have also done the balloon thing every anniversary of his death and birthday. My SIL had angels and dolls and quilts made out of his shirts ties and scrubs(he was a DR) My kids still have them on their beds. It is hard but I think that kids want to, I mean NEED to be a part of the entire process. Because of this, anytime a friend has lost a family member my kids have been able to be such a comfort to them and help them to open up and talk about it. Another idea is to have a tree planted in his name.
I hope this helps. and I am very sorry for your families loss.
Wow, that is a truly truly sad story. I have absolutely no advice to give you. I would not want to be in your position right now, and i feel for the parents of the little boy. I know that many people dont bring their kids to funerals until they are older because it is too much for them to understand. Good luck with it all.
My almost five year old son died suddenly in October. No warning, no nothing. My eight and nine year old children went to bed the night before with a little brother and when they got up I had to tell them their brother died. This was as traumatic as my son actually dying. There are no easy words, no platitudes. Just use age appropriate words and be honest. If you don’t know the answers, just say so.
As for the funeral, well it was their brother. My husband wanted a viewing but my children decided they didn’t want to see their brother dead. That was ok. They just didn’t look. Because it was a child’s funeral there is likely to be other children there. We had 13 cousins under the age of ten, plus various friends who brought their kids. A funeral is an excellent way to help kids understand death and grief, and they can and will bring joy to the event. Even to the grieving parents.
God bless,
I will hold your family and your neighbor’s family in my thoughts. My partner had a heart attack and died suddenly as he was traveling home from work. I had to tell our 3 almost 4 year old that his daddy had died. Although I am a social worker, I was at a total loss of how to handle the whole thing because I have not had anyone close to me die. The one thing i did was call the Dougy Center, a local center for children whose parents or family members have died. They are also a national training center for other groups doing that work. They advised me on how to speak to my child about death, and suggested that I get input from our son on what to include in the memorial service. They also sugggested that I give him the option of whether to see his dad’s body. They gave me suggestions on how to talk about it and how to prepare both my son and myself for it. My son did wish to spend time with his father’s body. It was an intense event, but extremely helpful. I am certain that with out the choice it would have become a problem later in his life.
It is respectful to give children informationabout the funeral and the death and give them the option of attending the funeral. It is also important that you do your grieving so you can be present with your children in their grieveing. Our job as parents is not to keep our children from feeling emotions like pain and sorrw, but to be present, available and loving with them while they are feeling those emotions.
Good luck to you all. I would recommend visiting the Dougy Center’s website or giving them a call if you need information or advise.
I’m so sorry to read this. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain of losing a child.
With respect to viewing, I know I’m too late but I just want to say that my own experience has been that children are incredibly pragmatic and sensible about death. My kids are 5 and 7 and so far have dealt with the death of a beloved dog and a Grandpa. They handled it as a part of life.
Good luck.
I don’t know where you stand on things religious but I can recommend an excellent childrens book to help kids talk about death. “Waterbugs and Dragnflies” from the Pilgrim Press. The story itself, actually, is not overtly religious. It is about waterbugs who watch their friends climb up and out of the pond and not return. They wonder about where their friends are going. They make a promise that the next one to climb out of the pond will come back and tell the others what awaits them. Then one day the water bug climbs up onto the lily pad where he becomes a dragonfly. He, of course, can not go under the water in his new body to share the good news, so off he flies to enjoy his new world. Lacking the treacle that characterizes so many books of this genre, I recommend it to all families I work with whose kids are dealing with a loss.
I’m so sorry for your lose. I pray to god for your peace.