You know you’re a parent of young children when…
Child's Play x2 | March 23You haven’t seen the entire episode of any telelvision show in quite some time.
The question most asked in the house is, “Did they poop?”
You curse Rachel Ray and her “30-minute meals” as taking too damn long.
Nap time is as revered more than anything else in the house.
You refer to yourself and your spouse as “Mama” and “Dada” - all of the time.
You have dish-pan hands from washing so many bottles.
You haven’t seen your friends without children in quite a while.
You can give a lengthy dissertation about the pros and cons of Huggies vs. Pampers.
You are certain you keep Duracell, the battery maker, in business.
Baby Einstein videos bore the crap out of you but if it keeps the kids quiet…
Your digital camera is never more than three feet away.
You can no longer remember what your house looked like without all the baby stuff.
The term “Clean House” is an oxymoron.
You go around singing children’s songs to yourself all day long.
Work is a place you go to finally get some rest.
You can’t imagine your life any other way.
Sorry… can’t curse Rachel Ray… just can’t do it. Her looks. Her cooking abilities… ooooh
Everything else I 100% agree with.
Yeah just Tivo Rachel, and of course don’t forget Giada, and then skip through to the good parts.
Oh I forgot to add my .02
…you can’t remember the last time you had sex AND slept through the night.
…you have to buy pull ups, and #4 sized diapers.
…wet wipes have replaced shop towels in your shopping cart.
…you freezer is stuffed to the hilt with chicken nuggets and french fries.
…if you were stranded in your vehicle, you could live for two weeks off the cookies, fries, crackers, and left over juice boxes.
…the snow shovel is in the kids playroom instead of the garage.
I could go on forever obviously…
…it takes you ten minutes of riding in the car without kids to realize you can put on grown up music.
…you haven’t found the hidden Playboy bunny in years, but you can find the small red button in the “I Spy” book.
…you know where every rest room within a 50 mile radius of your home is located.
…you wonder why every business in the world doesn’t have a drive through window (Thank you bank, dry cleaner, and pharmacy!!).
…you can reach into your coat pocket and find either a pacifier or a peek-a-block (or even a dinosaur or Hot Wheels car).
…you know the names of all the trains on “Thomas and Friends.”
…they throw up ON YOU and you just continue to hold them whilst the puke is drying in your hair
…words like “poopyloloopy” and “poopforbrains” and “peehead” randomly come out of your mouth instead of curse words
…you cry while making dinner not because of the onions but because you cannot take them clawing at your feet anymore saying “I am sooo hungry”
…dancing in the middle of the grocery store with your children makes you feel good, not self-conscious
…you start to believe fruit snacks actually have nutritional value so you don’t feel so guilty that they won’t even look at fruit
…you have to buy an extra set of silverware as the old set has mysteriously gone missing
…you offer your friend wine in a sippy cup so they don’t spill in the living room
…you know all the words to “Victor Vito”.
…your TiVO “Now Playing list looks like this:
Blue’s Clue’s
The Wiggles
LOST
The Wiggles
Dora the Explorer
Sesame Street
The Daily Show
Backyardigans
… you always seem to have a very small barrette in your pocket.
…when angry, even in your head you find yourself thinking “HOLY COW!” or “WHAT THE HECK?”
… on time is half an hour late, early is 15 minutes late.
… having cell phone conversation about the color of poop doesn’t phase you until the child-less person beside you turns green.
… you know the names of all the Wiggles but not who is the prime minister of England.
… you relish the 10 seconds to pee alone in the bathroom if you are lucky the kids didn’t all follow you in there in the first place.
- You can recite “Goodnight Moon” or “Moo, Baa, La La La” from memory.
- The smallest noise in the night can wake you up from a dead sleep.
- You hear a child crying and decide that it’s only a mid-level trauma (like a toy being taken away), so you don’t bother running to them.
- You have tissues in your coat pocket, purse, and diaper bag.
- Your diaper bag is now more important than your purse.
- You no longer gag while changing a diaper.
- You can interpret your toddler’s speech to their grandparents.
- You no longer bother with apologizing for the mess to friends without children when they come over.
- You know how much Tylenol to give without looking at the instructions.
- Goldfish crackers are a perfectly healthy and acceptable snack because of the cheese content.
- Your children follow you into the bathroom and you go anyway because you no longer care.
- You are up all night with a teething baby and still are able to sing lullabies to soothe him.
- you get your mail at the pediatrician’s office.
- Breakfast with Bear and Daniel Cook are the smartest people in the world.
If you’re in the grocery store, you buy milk. It is law.
You read your e-mail in the bathroom while the kids are in the tub.
(I can’t be the only one doing that, can I?)
…getting the mail takes 30 minutes and is the only time all day you leave the house.
…dog hair is an acceptable condiment.
…you nearly shed a tear when someone holds a door for you and the stroller.
…you stop by the bike shop to check out the new http://www.joggingstroller.com/BOB-Ironman-2005.pro
instead of http://www.cannondale.com/bikes/06/CUSA/model-6TC1X.html
-While holding a bag of flour in the grocery store, looking at the shelves trying to remember what item you’re forgetting, you find yourself bouncing the bag and swaying back and forth.
You see nothing wrong with your child eating a cookie for breakfast on occasion, cause at least it got them to stop screaming. You tiptoe around your own house at 8:45pm hoping that the tiny squeek did not wake up a just put down baby. You find yourself showing perfect strangers your pictures. You check to see what kid is saying mom or screaming in the grocery store, even thought you left yours at home. WHen you open your purse, or backpack for guys, you find a pair of socks, a bubbie, a small toy that makes noise and a tiny bottle of baby tylenol, no matter how small the purse or backpack is. You find yourself checking the same things over and over again, cause you lost your short term memory the day the first was born. And my last one is this, although it may just be me. You smell your own shirt halfway through the day and hope that it still smells like them.
You cannot begin the day without sniffing someone’s head and then smothering it with kisses.
You can pull at least 6 cherrios out of the pocket of most every jacket you own…and your car seats too
You cannot begin the day without sniffing someone’s head and then smothering it with kisses.
Yeah, and my boss got really pissed.
…when you tell your co-workers that you have to go pottie.
…when you describing real life events to someone and you use Fisher Price Little People to represent what happened.
…when you realize the dog humping on the child is probably fair game after the kid stuck his finger in the dog’s butt.
- You no longer feel self-conscious about talking to yourself throughout the day b/c NOW you are building necessary language skills for your infant;
- You become a master at multi-tasking (i.e., helping a preschooler go potty AND get dressed WHILE nursing your 4 month old and having your morning coffee);
- You know who lives in a pineapple under the sea;
- Showers are a luxury;
- You can’t go to a mall without having to stop in the toy store, and you have to walk past 4 flights of stairs to use the elevator at the OPPOSITE end of the mall to get there;
- You would totally lose at Jeopardy! but could Name the Tune of Elmo’s World in 2 notes!
That ain’t why Rachel Ray gets cursed around here. Her show cannot be on for even one second due to the risk she will say “E.V.O.O.–EXTRA VIRGIN OLIVE OIL!” at which point my husband, from wherever he is, will scream, “If you’re going to use an acronym, then just USE THE STINKIN’ ACRONYM! It’s total waste of time if you’re just going to define it every time you say it! It takes LESS time to just say ‘EXTRA VIRGIN OLIVE OIL’ than it does to say, ‘E.V.O.O.–EXTRA VIRGIN OLIVE OIL!’” This can go on for some time, so I find it best to avoid Rachel altogether at my house.
You haven’t finished a meal (while hot) in years
You should own stock in Antibacterial anything
You haven’t completed a sentence on the telephone in the last nine months..
~After handing your boss a report you ask, ‘now what do we say?’
~You are half way through the episode of full house before you realize your child is in bed but you’re still watching nickelodian.
~You always look down before taking a step barefoot, in fear of that dreaded pointy matchbox car.
~You cry when someone opens the bathroom door while you are showering, it’s the only quiet place in the house……………..
I would add a few but I’m laughing too hard at all of the above. Yes, yes, yes!