Daddy emotions
AdventureDad | March 21
Having children has not been what I expected. It has been many times better than I ever imagined. Except in one area. The one dealing with emotions. I’m an extremely calm person but emotional events involving children is always a massive struggle.
I know it comes as a shocker that us men have feelings but it’s true:-) Of course we never show any of them unless the blinds are down, doors locked, and we are alone in the house. Before I had children my great emotional “weakness” was anything that had to do with animals. I could not see an animal suffer, die, or be involved in some heart wrenching drama without becoming deeply emotionally affected. The animals could be complete strangers and it would not matter. The worst thing was always movies. Silly movies like Turner & Hooch, The Lion King, The Horse Whisperer, Gorillas in the mist, The Bear, or Born Free would totally kill me. They are now completely prohibited in my house. I can’t watch them without sitting there with a large towel and a water bottle to avoid dehydration.
This will sound really bad but before I had kids myself I rarely got affected by reading tragic stories about kids or seeing child related stuff on TV. My emotional attachment to animals is now almost gone. But after being a father it has been substituted by an even greater emotional attachment to children. Strangers or my own, it doesn’t matter. I read a tremendous amount of blogs, newspapers, magazines, and articles every day and there are tragic stores about children everywhere. I just can’t read emotional stories about children without getting a huge lump in my throat and my eyes tearing up. It can be small insignificant stories about brave, dead, or suffering children or a huge crisis like the tsunami in Thailand. I don’t handle it well. It’s really pathetic. Does anyone else have this embarrassing problem?
Most of my surfing is done at work with lots of people around me. Since I have a testosterone filled job in the financial markets, this can be a problem. I can normally hide my pathetic feelings by quickly looking away from the screens and start thinking about something completely different. But sometimes the stories are just to powerful and the tears come. People start coming over to me and they look worried. They believe I just lost millions of dollars and need someone to comfort me. Or perhaps they want to fire me? Since I’m a man I obviously come up with some lame excuse like problems with my contacts or a bad cold and they go away satisfied I did not bankrupt the bank.
As a new father I was worried my son would die at an early age. Physical injuries like falling down or being hit by a car never worried me much. SIDS did. After he fell asleep I would many times go into his room to hear him breathe. I would stand there for minutes because I could barely hear his soft breathing. Occasionally I couldn’t hear him breathe so I would put my hand on his back just to feel him move. He’s now two years old but I still catch myself standing there occasionally. I would often think of coming into his room a bit too late and finding him dead in his crib. What a nightmare. Just the thought of it would me nauseous and extremely emotional. Thankfully that always took place in his dark room and the wife in another room:-)
Last night I had one of those horrible emotional moments after hearing about a conversation my wife had earlier in the day. A colleague of a friend had been pregnant and just lost her child. In the 35th week. Unbelievable. My wife was telling me about it and I was just dying. I had to leave the room. The fact that we’re expecting our second child this summer, a girl this time, obviously didn’t help. And neither did the fact that we’ve had some pregnancy problems during the past few months. I really hope we never have to deal with anything similar in our lives.
I thought this daddy stuff was supposed to get easier as we got more experienced? Isn’t that what it said in the contract?
man, this is funny! i too cry at the drop of a hat. usually either when a kid is hurt, or abandoned by a negligent or dead parent. i think it’s a combination of having kids & the loss of my mom (almost 14 years ago now)
when i start to bawl my wife just rolls her eyes. the episode of “8 simple rules” when ritter died caused my 12 year old trauma. not because the show was so sad, but because dad was crying more than her!
I think you didn’t read the small print.
I’ve always considered myself fairly emotional for a guy. Even though now, I know that to be more stereotype than anything.
As a new father, I didn’t know some of these feelings could deepen. I too, think more about other children and the trying situations of those less fortunate.
There are movies I never would have appreciated until my first son came along. If you get a chance, watch the Japanese film, Nobody Knows, it’s beautiful and heartbreaking. Or watch Mysterious Skin by Gregg Araki. These are gentle and serious films that you too will appreciate and help you better to understand your emotions.
Before my son was born, i was with you on the animal thing. But now, i get all sorts of weepy with stories about kid (i rarely cry over things i read or watch, so this is a new developement for me) I also still go in occasionally to check on him to see if he’s breathing. His daddy is always telling me that he’s fine, but i just find myself doing it every now and then. Yes this is harder than we signed on for, but so worth it.
pshaw, I don’t know what you mean! I’m a man’s man, dammit! Oh, sure, I may sneak into my daughter’s room once or twice a night just to make sure that she’s still breathing. And, yeah, I break out into a goofy smile every morning when I first see her, or when she coos at me. But my heart is stone, Dude. Stone! yeah… that’s it…
my father in law’s twin brother died of SIDS when they were 3 mos old so my husband was always checking on our son to make sure he was still alive. His paranoia rubbed off on me so that kid was checked on about 15 times a night. My son is named after a child who died from abuse and my husband was horribly abused growing up. He’s the same as you, he gets so sad and weepy on the animal movies and sad kid stories. Never fear though, it makes us women love you guys soooo much more. It means you’re human, have feelings and now (maybe finally) some men understand how we feel about some things. It doesn’t get easier. The mini heart attacks come with stairs, flying toys, siblings. Oh the fun!
I have always been an (undercover) emotional guy. I can’t watch when people embarass themselves on TV.. I’m talking about dramas and the like… Reality shows are so far off my radar….
Ever since Lucca was born it has gotten far worse. Commercials, sitcoms, CBC Newsworld. I’m not terribly worried about SIDS, but I am terrified of the kid getting sick…
I would like to say it gets easier…the emotional aspect of having kids…but for me it hasn’t.
It had gone from checking on breathing…to being paranoid about kidnappers taking them from their own beds…to having dreams where they are drowning and I can’t swim to save them…or a car is going to hit them…and on and on.
I also start to think about what I did as a teenager…and I am SCARED to death for them and wanting sooo much to protect them for all the crazy crap I did. I think the teen years are going to be even more stressful…cuz they get independence and have to make choices when you are not around.
OH MAN!!! I am freakin out now just thinking about it. Thanks a lot…now my day is full of worry. (Just kidding…kind of)
Never happened to me. You are just a big pussy! Just kidding. I never had the animal sensitivity thing, but about the kids, exactly the same. I won’t even read the stories about the toddler who fell into the pool, or the baby who rolled into the crack next to the bed…I just see the headline, and that’s bad enough. Seems like nature’s way of heightening our sensitivity to the kids’ extra need for safeguarding. When I find myself getting too worried, I turn to statistics, which are a great comfort to me.
Dude, you got a contract? I know I didn’t. I have always had that problem with anything involving kids. However as a woman, it is easier for others around me to understand. My Hubby is the same way though. And we both still go and watch our kids sleep sometimes too. And they are 4 and 2. I think it’s the thought that if it can happen to someone else it can happen to us. And it can. You just can’t focus to much energy on it, or it will make you crazy. Also, our time on this earth is unknown, live each day to the fullest.
I’m sorry. It really doesn’t get any easier. My mom and grandma say that the worst is when they’re grown up. Because then you are less able to protect them, and you don’t know what’s going on for weeks (or months) at a time.
The only small morsel of comfort I can give myself is the thought that I’ve been a good mother, and that if my son does die, at least his brief life was a happy one. (Though that becomes less of a comfort as his potential as a man becomes more clear and I really want to watch him develop it.)
I just want to say that I love, love, LOVE seeing the Dads sounds like the Moms have been sounding for, well, ever, and SO grateful to you for sharing that yes, you do have the same fears and insecurities re: parenting–that we at least share a subset of parental anxieties. Good on you. Growing extremely fond of Adventure Dad.
I am so with you! I wouldn’t say I was an overly emotional guy before my daughter came along, but since she has arrived it seems like I live 2 doors down from fear. It’s like there is this mosquito buzzing around my head that keeps whispering in my ear all kinds of nasty and terrible things that could happen to my girl. It makes the pit of my stomach ache. Since my daughter came along I have a whole new level of compassion and empathy for parents who do go through traumatic experiences such as a seriously ill (or worse) child.
SIDS is such a scarey concept. I am a mad researcher, when my son was born I found a product that was placed under the sheet and on top of the mattress that monitored breathing (I think I will try and track this down and write an article about my experiences on my SIDS mental nightmare), in the end we settled for a tv monitor (wireless) that I would study endlessly from our room…I perfected the art of intense observation to see him breathing. I also found info that a dummy (in my case a mam orthodontic teether) helps with prevention of SIDS, especially when my son, started going from back to sleep directly on his FACE!!!!