Skeletons In My Closet
Genuine | March 1
On Monday I learned about a skeleton in my closet. I am not sure you can label it a skeleton, but it is something that has not yet come up with my children. I am the child of a broken home. My mother and father divorced when I was very young, so young in fact I have no recollection of the divorce other than I got to ride on a train to Florida (it’s the little things we remember). My children have no idea that Nana and Papa haven’t been married all of their life and that Papa is Daddy’s Daddy. For all intents and purposes, he is my Daddy because he was also married to my mother when I was a small child.
The skeleton I speak of is a member of my father’s family, more specifically, my uncle passed away on Friday. Actually I had more feelings when I hear that Dennis Weaver and Don Knotts had passed away, and of course, let’s not forget Darren McGavin, than I did upon hearing this news. I knew my uncle and he was a cool guy, but I was never much attached to any of my biological father’s family. To give you an idea, I have seen my biological father once since I was 18, and today I turned 42.
My dilemma that has been plaguing me since that news, is not whether I intend to acknowledge the loss, but when I might let my children know that they have another family in their history that never really comes up in conversation. My daughter understands the concept of divorce, because she has already asked for a divorce from her mother and me after a scolding, but is she ready to grasp the story of my past?
It seems that this is similar to telling a child that they are adopted by analogy. Are there those of you that have faced this before? What did you say and how did you handle this situation. I really have no opinion at the moment, but I would really like to know where the manual is on this kind of thing.
There’s no manual to this, but I think your analogy of adoption may not be the most accurate.
While I haven’t been involved in any adoptions, one of my good friends in high school was adopted. It was something that she grew up knowing from day one - her baby book contained details about her adoption, pictures of her parents meeting her in the hospital, all of that. It was never a secret at all.
I guess that I’m kind of in your daughter’s situation. My mother’s father died when she was a year old, and there is a large disconnect between her father’s family and ours, especially since my great-grandmother died ten years ago. In fact, her uncle just passed away last month. My grandmother remarried, but there were no more children and the marriage ended a long time ago. She actually married her late husband’s sister’s husband’s brother (confused yet?), so there was still a family connection, and my mother and her aunt are still very close. But sadly, without a direct connection, that side of the family has drifted apart.
Since you don’t seem to be particularly attached to any member of your father’s family, and it hasn’t come up before, it’s obviously not that important to you. For me, I always knew that my biological grandfather was the man in the Navy uniform whose picture was hung up in our hallway, and that he’d died a long time ago. But since you and your dad are not close, and he doesn’t play a role in your kids’ lives, I would just explain it when the kids make the connection themselves. At that point, I would point out how close you are to your stepfather, and how you think of him as your father, and that just because he isn’t the bio-dad doesn’t make him any less important to you or them. Or, if you choose to, you could tell them who had died, and let them ask the questions from there. But I would stress how this doesn’t change anything about their lives.
Happy Birthday, by the way!
I don’t see how you can not tell them as soon as they can understand the concept. From experience, when you find out something at a later date, like in the teen years, you just feel lied to, even if it’s not something that significant, you just don’t want to feel like you weren’t in on something that pretty much everyone else knew about.
It doesn’t have to be a “let’s sit down and talk about something important” type of thing, but it should definitely be talked about.
I would say that as soon as they can understand the concepts, tell them. By boyfriend grew up without his father, and without that entire side of the family. When he was 17 (and had began to want to contact his dad and that family) his dad died of an anuerysm. He did get to meet the family, but without his dad to really connect him to them, they never really stayed in touch. I am sure this will be something we will have to talk to with our son, and i think you should with your kids.
I think it’s more a question of how you tell them. And how do you explain it in a way where they will understand. My parents are also divorced and I was so little I have only one or two memories of them togeather in it. And I barely remember before they were both remarried. So, I guess I can’t help you. Sorry, but I am in the same boat. My girls are four and one and I don’t know if they will get it. For now, they just know they have three sets of grandparents. It will come up eventually, as my parents will never be in the same place at the same time, except for weddings. I would guess tell your daughter whatever you think she will understand.
Yeah, what they said. Although I can understand your dilemma; To have the concept of families dividing brought home to roost in a kid’s own family seems like something you would want to be careful with. I know that both for myself, and for my wife, it has been a fact of life for as long as we can remember, and I should mention here that we both have always had serious problems getting along with our families (Several members of same have been permanently x-ed out). If you want my opinion, you shouldn’t lie to your kids ever, but explanations of some things are best left until the kid basically figures the issue out for themselves (at least to the extent that they ask the question).
My mother’s father and mother divorced when she was young and because she was raised by her mother’s family and because it was not a happy divorce to say the least (are they ever?), she saw her father only when he tried to get her and her brother to talk to him after school. But because she was told he was a Bad Man, she never did (she was a good girl.) and after they emigrated to the US, she never saw him again. Only once she had kids did she want to find him, but then it was too late. I knew vaguely at some point that my mom had a dad somewhere, she didn’t know where. But it was not too traumatic for me. It was only when I was in college and we found out he had died in a car accident that it was ever hard and only because my mom was really upset.
I think the truth is easier for kids to accept than we think. And even if they don’t understand the nuances, it’s better than some big shock when they’re older.
Difficult situation. I would definitely try to tell my children asap. You are the best judge over when they are capable of understanding the complex situation. I’m a firm believer in telling my kid the whole truth adn not holding anything back but others may have different approaches.
Happy birthday!
AD
I would definetly tell the kiddies and soon. They are more likely to understand and accept this new reality at a younger age. If you leave it until teenagedom, they have the chance to feel angry and misled. I am speaking from experience. Just be straight forward, honest and use age appropriate language. Don’t throw in any long and twisted explanations, just the facts. And when your done, ask them to repeat it back to you (this way you will know if they misunderstood you) and if they have any questions. Good luck. Probably will be easier than you think.
I think if Papa is your Daddy, you should just sort of go with that. You have another father, a birth father, who you don’t see very much. I don’t see my mother, or her family very much either. My kids GrandMa is my Father’s Wife who I introduce as my Mother. We talk about my Mother some, but not very much because she just isn’t a part of our lives.
It doesn’t have to be done in a sit-down, “daddy has something to tell you” way. If it’s just discussed openly and honestly, while looking at pictures, say, then it’ll be natural to them.
My father was married before he married my mother. He had three sons from that marriage. He and my mother gained sole custody of two of the boys and joint custody of the other one shortly after they married. They’re my brothers, as simple as that. What I *didn’t* know was that my father was married before he was married to my brothers’ mother, and that marriage produced a daughter. He (inadvertantly, without a lawyer) signed away his parental rights to her after the divorce and then didn’t talk about her again. My brothers knew about her (because their mother told them, I’m guessing) and my mother knew, but no one ever told me. They say they didn’t *keep* it from me, but you’d think I’d remember being told I had a sister. I didn’t find out about her until I was 16, when my youngest brother made contact with her.
Anyway, my children have always known this part of their history. They have an aunt and uncles who don’t share a biological mother with their mother, but they’re still an aunt and uncles. They can explain the whole thing, if asked. We simply talked about it, every time we looked at pictures of the family, or every time we went to see them. Once my son said, “Why does Uncle David call Nana ‘Linda’ instead of ‘Mom’?” and when I started to tell him, he said, “Oh yeah! I remember now!”
Just make it part of their history and it won’t feel awkward.
i have no idea what you should tell them.
but hey, happy birthday! i didn’t think there any people older than me who actually knew how to use a computer. but look at you! there you are- all old and computer savvy. i’m gonna get on the line with the aarp folks. you could make the cover of modern maturity!
happy day!
My mother was married to someone else before she was married to my father. I never remember being told and we don’t talk about it much but occassionally it does come up (e.g. as a reason why she knows someone or a reason why she’s been to a particular place before). This felt very natural and at the same time like none of my business. With family it’s a bit different but the same principles would probably work; just mention it when it feels natural and don’t give a big talk just answer their questions.
Work it in when natural. Like, mentioning that your uncle died, and he was from a part of the family you don’t talk too that often. Wait until they ask questions, but don’t try to explain the whole issue. And definitely don’t try to pretend that it doesn’t exist!
Kind of like sex, I guess.
My family is insane that way…I’ve come up with the differentiation of ‘biological family’ and ‘real family’ - and some people are both, but it’s the ‘real’ family that matters more.
I recommend not hiding the issue because you never know what can happen in the future…if you might reconnect with any of those people, or what. Not like you ever have to, but it will save any real confusion later.
I agree with Candace and BeckaJo. Do work it in, but don’t make a big affair of the announcement. My husband and sister-in-law were shocked to overhear, in their adulthood, a reference to the fact that their father had been previously married. No one had ever brought it up.
On the other hand, I’ve waited years for the right situational lead-in to drop to my sons the fact that same sister-in-law (their aunt) committed suicide. They’d always known that she died, because they were there for the whole family upset, but they didn’t know how.
Anyway, this was a critical piece of information, but not urgent and not to be made a great deal of. I just dropped it in when one son mentioned his sadness at not having cousins while doing a family tree at school. Of course, he’s twelve, and the event happened when he was four or five; so I waited a while. But this way it really wasn’t dramatic or weird or anything.
I agree with the other posters. It’s not something I would hide, nor is it necessary to have a formal sit-down discussion about it. But this is a perfect opportunity to open the subject in a casual way. My son is 3 y/o and I have casually mentioned to him that my Mom & Dad used to be married, as well as that my Dad used to be married to my stepmom (his Nanny). He’s obviously too young to process it all and has not asked for clarification but I put it out there. When/if he needs to know more I will be happy to tell him. Cinderella is 9, and she knows the deal too. She just thinks it funny how large our extended family is!
loose hedge roll - that is all that soldier is capable of: http://www.sciencenews.org/ , corner will opponents unconditionally