I have seen my future, and it’s either really pink, or kind of slutty.
Sweet Juniper | February 27
There’s a Toys-R-Us near our house, and apparently it has suddenly gone out of business, because they were paying a few poor schlubs to hold signs announcing “50-70% off all toys!” on all the local street corners.
Now I make it no secret that I am a cheap bastard who finds it hard to pass up a deal, and we have been in the market for one of those little toy strollers for our 13-month-old daughter to push around the 500 square feet of our apartment as much as she wants, so we dropped in.
Apparently the rain puddle in front of the Toys-R-Us doorway that muddied my wife’s cuffs was really the River Styx, because when we entered the store we found ourselves in hell. A Cassandra in the form of a package-bound molded-polyurethane Lindsay Lohan met me as soon as we had abandoned all hope, screaming, “this is what you’re in for Dutch. You are doomed to eventually buy me and my pimped out tour van or whatever it’s equivalent will be seven years from now, moo-hoo ha ha ha ha. . .” I left her cackling and mumbling to herself, denying her prophecy. No way, girl. There’s no way I’m ever going to buy any crap like that for my daughter. But the future versions of myself, toting eight-year-old girls around the store, shoving their way towards the best deals seemed to indicate otherwise. I’ll be different, I said. I won’t cave. “That’s what we all said,” came the chorus of weary guys in pleated khakis pushing shopping carts full of pink. “As you are now, so once were we.”
It had been years since I’d been in a Toys-R-Us, and man was I shocked. Have toys always been such crap? Everything looked like it was ready to fall apart and get shipped off to the land fill even before it left the shelf. But people were going crazy for it all.
I looked for the toy strollers while my wife let Juniper ride “Cinnamon the Hobby Horse” and suddenly I found myself standing before the “Wall of Bratz.” I had heard about these things, dolls that are designed to look like the kind of girls you don’t want your daughters to grow up to be. They all looked like the girl in your junior high PE class who would let boys touch her boobs for a pack of Bubblicious; the kind of girl who would get drunk off her mom’s boyfriend’s hooch; the kind of girl who. . .you get the picture. Apparently preteen girls love these Bratz dolls. The lame out-of-touch father side of me kept rising to the surface as I stood there and stared at the Wall of Bratz. I wouldn’t let me daughter hang out with girls who looked like that, I thought. They look like the high school kids who are mean to me on the bus.
But what disturbed me most were the Bratz “Rock Angelz” two packs. They come with the obligatory female Brat decked out with a red guitar, but apparently also with a dude Brat who has a set of turntables. Now if there’s anything in the world that drives me absolutely crazy is guys who own turntables, claim to be DJs, and refer to their artistry as “spinning.” To top it all off, the dude Brat had a soul patch. A fucking soul patch! Why do they need a guitar and turntables? One can only assume in order to create some really horrible rap-metal hybrid music. The horror! I had to turn away before my brain exploded.
The whole store was a real eye-opener for me. Living in my sheltered San-Francisco handmade-wooden-toy world, my daughter’s desires are not yet formed by any peer group but by whatever piece of crap I throw her way that doesn’t mess up the aesthetic of my living room. It’s easy to be a cool, hip parent when you can still control your child’s aesthetic because she is too dumb to know the difference.
But things are going to change, boy. Lindsay was right. Juniper saw some baby dolls and just about had a fit in my arms trying to reach out for them, nanananananananana! she shouted. That means I want. There was a look in her eyes that I had never before seen. It was the look of coveting plastic crap on a store shelf.
We got out of there as soon as possible, but not before I spotted this out of the corner of my eye:
Holy crap! A ninja deluxe weapons set? They never made anything that cool when I was a kid. Check out that ninja on the packaging. He’s so badass, there are like badass energy marks shooting from his head! Throwing stars? Nunchucks? Bow-and-arrow? Two (count them) two katana blades?
The next one had better be a boy. —Dutch
I dunno, maybe you should start Juniper on her self-defense training early. I would have loved a deluxe ninja weapons set when I was a girl.
Turntables are tricky things my friend, guess you really are showing your age.
If you like, I could give you demo of how it really is a bit trickier than you might think.
to answer one of your questions….YES, toys have always been this crappy. I remember getting a toy for Christmas when I was a little kid and I took it out of the box, and 5 minutes later, it was broke.
- Jon
- Daddy Detective
- www.daddydetective.com
Last time I went into a Toys R Us I ended up buying Misfits Action Figures. We have Doyle and Jerry Only. I couldn’t help it.
I was in target on Saturday and saw the Bratz and I was offended for myself and for my daughter.
Try explaining to your daughter that the reasons she wants these things is that they’re marketed directly to her by evil, sophisticated, moustache-twisting marketing professionals who are constantly convincing most people to buy stuff they don’t need, and that she should just instantly recognize everything they say as a lie. She may not understand at first, but she’ll catch on if you can out-shout the adds; so far, it’s worked for my boy, though I do feel like a bit of a hypocrite with all my pre-packaged, age-appropriate, demographically-assigned desires.
I. Totally. Hear. You.
I’m freaking out in anticipation of exactly this problem. Bratz, Barbies, Olsen twin shit, low-rider bootcut pants for ‘tweens’ - the eyes, they bleed.
Our Miss Business is barely out of the fetal stage and yes, it’s easy-ish to get her attention directed to little wooden instruments, abstract art mobiles and live animals (of the domestic variety) but I’ve still had my soul crushed a little bit by caving to one or two hideous items of Baby Gear that promise to let me rest my arms. But - must - soldier - on… the Bratz can be fought off. (There are, BTW, anti-Bratz dolls to be had - good, frontline fighters in the war against the Toys’R'Us brigade. Do you know Devout Dolls? We’ve named ours Bicephela - you get the picture - or Biccy, and she is going to kick Bratz ass when the time comes.)
Say it ain’t so! I’m in utter denial, as the girl’s favorite toy is a noise-maker shaped like a squash.
It is probably even worse than the toys. At some point your gal will want to pick out her own clothes. Do muni buses come in pink?
I’m with Indri. Get your daughter the ninja weapons. Maybe it will help her resist the pinkness and the Bratz. :)
Fortunately, there are some high-quality alternative dolls that I plan on steering the Munchkin towards (like the American Girl dolls), but I know that someday she’ll see those stupid Bratz and want them. Then what? Fortunately, my 13 year old sister has gone in a totally opposite direction - she spent her birthday money on catching gear for softball - and she never liked dolls that much, so maybe there’s hope after all.
The Munchkin’s current favorite toys? Her plastic tea set and play food.
And those Home Depot tool toys at Toys ‘R Us are really cool. Hopefully my little boy will want them someday. And I am of the opinion that every kid needs a lightsaber - I did!
I was one of those who cried, “Never!” but my 9-year old daughter now plays with her Bratz Dominatrix.
Scary thought of the day: there are WAAAAAY bigger things to worry about as your kids get older than nasty toys.
Toys R Us just closed up shop here too. We tried for deals and couldn’t find anything.
Legos are the only safe bet.
I totally agree with getting her the ninja set. Can’t start ‘em too early, you know? My daughter got a set of boffer swords for her first birthday. Her father plans on teaching her footwork and stance when she’s two.
She may still wear pink, but she’ll kick ass while wearing it.
We were there on Saturday. I can’t believe you didn’t see us trying to pry Bunny off of the giant Barbie castles. We also noticed that every toy left was either a slut toy or a weapon. We were shopping for a couple of birthday presents and, yeah. Basically there was not one toy there we could have given to the kids in good conscience. Deals? If I were you, I would hightail it back there and get one o’ dem swing set dealies in the front entrance. Keep it in your garage until…the time comes when you’ll need it. They’re awesome. A $300 swing set for $150? That’s a deal. The $3 plastic kiddie pools were also tempting.
Dammit, you! My husband has 3 guitars AND a soul patch, SO BACK OFF.
When dh was a wee lad (10 or under) his friends mom sewed them ninja outfits, and dhs dad bought them ninja throwing stars. Real ones. Did I also mention that the tooth fairy once brought him a real live working weed whacker? Plastic, non-lethal toys got you worried? Amature.
Toys’R'us (and Baby’R'us) give me hives. If you want to feel better, the store at the De Young has great toys downstairs.
I have been swayed by L. who turned me on to a new level of freak toy tolerance last month. http://thehomesickhome.blogspot.com/2006/02/better-bratz-than-boyz-or-why-this.html
The really great news here is about the implosion of Toys R Us!
[…] From The Blogfathers, a post about girls’ toys these days: I have seen my future, and it’s either really pink, or kind of slutty. My tags: […]
Me, with five daughters and a “No Bratz” policy. I’ve not been very popular on this topic at home. Gawd, I hate those things and all of their ilk (and boy is there a lot of ilk). Now they have Baby Bratz where the damn things are meant to be toddlers and STILL all slutty looking. I hate the company that makes them (and their ilk) with the white hot passion of a thousand suns. Hate them.
Thus far, I’m winning the battle but my 9 year old and now my 4 year old are NOT happy about it.
I know! Toys are crazy. I started a Lame Toys flickr group to start documenting all the terrible toys I see now that I have a five month old.
http://www.flickr.com/groups/lametoys/
“Why do they need a guitar and turntables? One can only assume in order to create some really horrible rap-metal hybrid music. The horror! I had to turn away before my brain exploded.”
This had me LMAO. I would have thought the same exact thing…lol
Cynical Dad sent me here and I’m pleasantly surprised to see that I’m not alone in my loathing of Bratz dolls and all the other crap they peddle to little kids. I was bitching about the same thing here not too long ago.
[…] Anyway, I dug up a short but sweet post about something that seems to chafe a lot of mommy ass. (That’s right. I called you a MOMMY) Actually, I’ve also read a few blog posts from Dads on this topic so I guess it chafes some daddy ass, too. […]
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