Dear God, It’s Me Matthew.
Child's Play x2 | February 21Lord, I know I don’t talk to you much. It’s not out of disrespect or anything. It’s just that I figure you got a lot more important things to worry about, like the whole Middle East thing or explaining tofu.
Anyways, the reason I’m calling praying is because, well I’m not sure if you read my blog, but, you see, I have twins. JT and Bri. Do you remember them? I’m certain you do because when you sent them to me and Andrea you were sending the best. And I thank you for that, I really do. I mean, they’re cute as hell (thanks for that too, by the way, I mean no one will ever believe they’re my kids now, but at least they’re nice to look at) and they like to say “Da-Da” a lot, which is pretty cool and all (although, I suspect you’re hearing from Andrea at night, asking for a “Ma-Ma” every now and then) but now we’re getting into some uncharted territory that I’m not really prepared for.
For instance, this teething thing. I mean, not to sound like a whiner and all but do you really think it’s funny that I have spent EIGHT FUCKING MONTHS getting them to sleep through the night (first one, then the other and then -no, wait!- the first one again) only to have them start screaming in agony in the middle of the night?! And why? BECAUSE OF A TOOTH! A tooth that will eventually fall out, only to be replaced by another damn tooth! What kind of sick sense of humor do you have? Personally, I don’t think you’re funny at all (except the platypus, that’s pretty damn funny).
So, from now on when I’m up in the middle of the night, I just wanted to let you know that I’m not going to feel guilty when I let a “GOD DAMN” slip out of my tongue. No Siree. And since I’m already up, I’m going to fire up a bunch of bullshit prayers like “Please God, let Barry Bonds survive one more season so the Giants can win the World Series.” or “Please God, if you let me win the lottery I’ll never do anything bad ever again” or “Please God, let Kate Beckinsale show up at my doorstep and run her fingers through my hair just this once” just to overload your server. (And while we’re on the subject of hair, couldn’t you have at least considered giving me more hair? I mean, come on, at least answer that prayer!)
Where was I? Oh, yeah. Just get me through this teething thing okay? I don’t know why I’m asking you to understand, since you didn’t have the balls to raise your own kid. I mean, I might not be a saint, but I’m a pretty good dad. But even the best of dads need their sleep. So cut me some slack, huh? Fire down a teething miracle and I’ll be forever grateful.
Amen.
P.S. Please don’t smite me.
Awww! If I were God I’d give you a teething miracle and let them be potty trained in one day!
God can be such a dick sometimes…
I’ve got one word for you, Matthew: ibuprofen. Just get the thumbs up from your pediatrician and bring on the infant ibuprofen right before bedtime. It’s the only thing that got the Munchkin to sleep through (most of) the night while teething molars.
I dunno if you have it over there, but they have a product here called “Bonjella” which is like an alcohol rubbing gel for the mouth. Great for teething. Alternatively, you could just pump them full of Rum. Even more alternatively, you could pump yourself full of Rum, and you’re guaranteed a good nights sleep!
Too funny!
As fir the teething thing…try baby oragel & tylenol right before bed. Thats what we did. My son hated both until he got to be about a year old and was getting in about 4 teeth at once…then he would hold his mouth wide open for the oragel. We also would give him a very very cold bottle to drink as well. (when he was on formula, we did this just before bed, but then later, we just gave him ice water) the coldness helps to numb the mouth. Good luck
I think there’s a strong evolutionary component* to teething. If the parents can make it through months and months of teething, with the sleepless nights and crying all the time and trails of drool on your floor, they will be able to deal with years of pissy adolescence, with the sleepless nights and crying all the time and trails of beer on your floor, with one hand tied behind their backs.
*I’m a Christian evolutionist. Sue me.
Have you ever considered that teething twins could actually be proof there ISN’T a God? That has been on my mind for a year and a half now.
The platypus was what God made with all the left over parts.
Our 3yr old had no problems when his teeth came in, one day there were two and they kept rolling in with nary a cry. Our 1 yr old? Sometimes I think there’s a gnome who tries to pull them from her mouth at night. Not fun. Tylenol works for us. Hope you survive.
P.S. They both had 2 at 5months and 8 teeth by 9 mos. Yipes.
Sweet Jesus, that was funny. Amen.
And you know what helps with the teething? Whiskey. Not for them, for you.
At least that’s how I got through it.
Matthew-
I am so happy to know that Gods role in the world is to figure out how to explain Tofu. That post was so freaking funny. I am picturing my grandpa keeling over from a heart attack if he read this.
rpdyztuueeu…
wssgmgfy kgztzyjmta gwingahmy mgcbfdbo …
Hi Matthew,
I may be a little late on this one, but in the future if you run into the teething issue go to this teething website. It has some real great information on teething symptoms and what to do etc…
Hope this helps buddy,
John
Culinary terms.
Mother of all culinary sites. Culinary olympics 2004. Culinary arts. Culinary handle.