So then, exactly, why am I a diligent parent?
The Bean's Dad | February 18Here’s something I’ve been pondering off-and-on for a while now: Does it really matter how we parent (discipline/instruct/expect proper behavior/etc) our toddlers? Do we actively parent for the sake of our children or do we parent for the sake of the people around us? As a parent, am I trying to produce a product (’cuz that’s what we’re essentially doing) that’s better than all the others or just not worse?
**Mr Nice Guy’s rant on terrible toddlers prompted me to stick my neck out giraffe-like here**
I ask this question under the assumption that the majority of kids turn out okay. Meaning that most kids don’t end up in jail or on drugs (permanently at least). I’m thinking serial killers are the exception and not the norm. And most kids don’t live at home for their entire lives. Think about it, the vast majority of kids turn out to be productive members of society, right?
Excluding the extreme (abuse, neglect, deprivation, etc), how much influence does parenting have on the outcome of our childrens’ lives? (Even some cases of abuse, neglect and deprivation produce extraordinary people as demonstrated in Why Do I Love These People? by Po Bronson. But those are exceptions to that rule.)
I’ll give you a little background on my thought process: there’s a boy we regularly see at Gymboree who is a whiney bee-atch. He’s 2+ years old and sure as shit this kid meltsdown at least twice during the one hour play session. He doesn’t share and cries about it. He falls down and cries about it. Another kid touches him and he cries about it. He’s pushy, needy, rude and grabby. He’s a nightmare. You with me here? We all know the kind. Probably quite similar to the toddler Mr. Nice Guy experienced.
But you know what? At the end of the day he’s going to be an okay kid. He’ll graduate from high school, graduate from college and get a decent job. Someone (god bless him/her) will marry this kid. He’ll have his own kids. See where I’m going with this? Despite some less than stellar parenting this kid will turn out all right. At some point he’s going to stop whining. He’s going to outgrow the tantrums and eventually he’ll learn to share. Maybe if he were parented by Dr. Spock he could be a brain surgeon but not with his current parents. Oh well. One less brain surgeon and one more middle manager.
Somewhere buried in Chapter 5 of Freakonomics is the suggestion that parenting isn’t all that it’s made out to be. Genetics and affluence influence the outcome of our children more than anything else. So if Megan is pre-determined to be whoever it is she’s going to be, why do I insist that she act appropriately in public? Why do I limit her TV? Why do I not tolerate tantrums? In other words, why am I doing all the things a “good” parent is supposed to do? Just to avoid the worst case scenario?
Or, could it be because of all the other people we interact with on a daily basis? Do I simply want other people to think I’m a good parent? Or maybe, slightly more altruistically, I don’t want to bother other people by having a rude child? So now I’m an active parent out of consideration to others? That seems like as good as reason as any, no?
Or, pardon the slightly crass comparison, are children like dogs? Will they get more out of life and be happier if they are trained properly.
So, quickly, give me the one or two most important reasons that you parent the way you do?
There’s a child development theory called “Developmental Assets” that basically says the more of the 40 assets they have identified a child has, the better chance they have at turning out okay. The astonishing thing is that kids are fucking resilient little bastards. They don’t need all 40 assets to thrive - they only need a few. I can control some of them - especially spending quality time with my child and making sure they do their homework etc. The rest? Well, there’s only so much you can control.
I think there is some selfishness involved in parenting. A screaming child doesn’t only grate on the nerves of other parents… it can affect your own sanity!
A well behaved and well mannered child makes the parent’s life easier.
While it may or may not affect the overall outcome of the child’s life, teaching them manners will definitely make for a smoother childhood.
I parent the kids the way I do because:
1) My parents are watching, and
2) My in-laws are watching.
I think that pretty much sums it up.
1. An egomaniacal need for unquestioned dominant control of all that I survey.
2. Just for kicks.
(actually, I do feel pretty strongly that I need to create a firm role as an authority figure in their lives. at the young ages, it may be mostly for show, but when they get older, I need them to respect my adult authority and power and wisdom and knowledge because it becomes more and more important. the foundation for all that is done when they are young.)
(oh, and I know I do come across as some dicatorial authoritative parent, but I am generally not, I’m mostly laid back but I do feel the children need to know that I CAN and MIGHT take the reigns at anytime and they need to buckle up and go along for the ride)
(this parentheses thing is pretty fun, huh?)
(loving the consolidation of daddies that is going on here… great site!)
Self discipline is the cornerstone of any great society. Before there is self discipline there has to be imposed discipline, that is where you come in. Teaching your children a healthy respect for authority will only make their lives easier in the long run.
Here is a little nugget I was forced to commit to memory because I farted in the hall my freshman year of millitary college.
Self discipline, the best kind of discipline is self discipline. Self discipline amounts to the person(cadet) having control of himself and his actions and doing what is right because he wants to. A leader must be able to depend on his men to do their duty correctly and voluntarily whether or not anyone is checking up on them.
Laying the groundwork now, teaching your little ones a healthy respect for authority, will only save everyone involved the trouble of learning those lessons later on.
I had three guides that I went by. I tried to pick two, but each were just as important to me as the other-so
1- I picked my no’s very carefully but when I did say no, I meant no. I think parents are too quick to say no to their children without even thinking about what they are saying no to.
2-I allowed my children to make mistakes. If they asked my opinion (when they were older), I would say “I would not do that if I were you and here is the reason why…, but it’s your decision and you will have to face the consequenses”. I made them think about their decisions. There was no blaming so-and-so.
3- Be honest with your children and talk to them. If you dont wish to discuss a subject, just tell them that. But don’t lie to them, ever.
Good luck. It’s not easy raising children but nothing worth having ever is.
I pick and choose my battles as well. We chose our parenting methods because of my mother and his father.
1. My husband and his brother were abused as kids, horribly. I just want to punch my father in law at times for what he did to them. My husband is consiously trying and succeeding in NOT being his father.
2. My mother was not emotionally present for me and I was an only child. Never said I love you, no hugs, nothing but yelling and calling me a f***ing brat. (her fave name)
That all being said, my husband and I turned out great. We know right from wrong, would never do something to get arrested (well not since we hit 30). We talk to our kids and granted they don’t talk back at 1 and 3 but hey, we’re doing it. Parents these days let their kids dictate when or how they should be punished. My dad just looked at me and I knew, I just knew to shut up. Not these kids. I’m really nervous for my kids and middle school. I shudder at what they will see.
Because…
Depending upon how you define these things, that bee-yatch toddler might not turn out okay. *Probably* won’t turn out okay if we’re measuring by asshole standards. Many, many children turn into grown-ups who whine, who do not share, who do not play well with others, who, in short, are pushy, needy, rude and grabby. And, yeah, they’ll get jobs, get married, have kids - but in doing so they’re probably just increasing the stock of pushy, needy, rude and grabby people in the world. The people that you (and I and every other enlightened being following the Blogfathers) really hate having as neighbours, co-workers, people driving behind you on the freeway… The world, my friend, is full of assholes.
I do NOT want my daughter to be an asshole. So, in the possibly vain hope that my parenting will make that difference, I parent the way I do (or should I say, *will* parent… I don’t know that the boob-flinging diaper-slinging stage we’re at now, at 3 months old, can yet be called parenting… so, to rephrase, I *will*, to the best of ability, practice anti-asshole parenting. This I swear.)
I’d build on what Her Bad Mother says by saying that I parent with boundaries because I want to give my kids the tools to be able to fit in wherever they go. Yes, I could just let go and let my kids do whatever they want to and they’d be like a lot of the other kids here on the island just west of Brooklyn. And they’d grow up just like those other kids will, and they’ll all be able to function perfectly well here in this rarified area in which there really are people who will clean up all your messes for you (if you have the $$). But what if they want to live someplace else and fit into another culture (within the US or out of it)? They need to have the basics of appropriate behavior and self-discipline in NYC culture down before they can start to figure out what’s appropriate in another culture.
I guess I see it like I do teaching my kids proper American English. If they know one language well, then it’ll be easier for them to learn more languages.
Plus, chicks dig guys who chew with their mouths closed.
Insufferable children grow up to be insufferable adults.
I parent the way i do for the same reasons that candace and Her Bad Mother. I dont want my child to be one of the many assholes we are surrounded by. I want him to be above that, better than that. I hope i can teach him the value of being a good person, who is not rude, selfish, pushy, ect.
I agree totally with the last several commentors. They said a lot better than I could.
I parent the way I do because:
1) I have to live with these little people. I’d like to be around quiet, polite, well-behaved, well-rested, happy little people. Subsequently I discipline, read to, enact strict bed-times, stimulate, limit telly, and a thousand other things.
2) Everyone else will have to live/work/ride the train with these people one day. Subsequently I discipline, read to, enact strict bedtimes, etc …
I might come from a different angle here.
Lets say a kid that is ‘naughty’ turns out ok in the long run. That’s fine. But what about all the kids that have been impacted by that childs behaviour along the way. Sure he may turn out to be an upstanding member of the community, but how many kids has he had a negative impact on in the process.
If that kid was taught to be ‘polite’ instead of ‘naughty’ the other children he interacts with might turn out different or better depending on the experience.
I find this subject extremely interesting. I raise my son based on my beliefs and experiences in life. And I also look at other successful parents who has great kids to see what they are doing right. I’m definitely not raising my child to please others but at the same time I want him to fit in well in society. I would like him to have the good qualities I have (if any) and be a good person. I think being a good person defines it well. He WILL share toys, be friendly to other kids, not push anyone, be polite to everyone, say thanks when someone is being nice, be gentle to animals, etc. So far that’s working really well. I think these are a few common sense basics that all kids should grow up with. That doesn’t neccessary assure a great life ahead but at least it’s a good start.
AD our of Baja California
I don’t give a rats ass what anyone else thinks of my kids.
There are a couple very good reasons to have children that trust you enough to do what you say. The biggest of those is their safety. If your kids just does whatever the hell he wants, and whenever the hell he wants, then how do you know he’ not going to go play in the street or by the pool when you’re not looking?
Beyond that, I can tell you the biggest reason that i parent the way that i do, and some people may think this is nonsense, but it’s the honest driving force behind everything i do with my kids.
…For the memories. Those kids are my legacy. I want them to look back and have good things to say about me. *shrugs*
1) So they will be able to make well-informed decisions and be critical thinkers with good manners.
2) So they don’t drive me crazy (er).
I parent the way I do cuz:
1. I do not want them to go through what I went through as a teenager (although I really can’t control the future…I like to think my initial steps will help just a teeny weeny bit)
2. I want them to be happy, healthy, wise and full of creativity! Hence less TV…more art…singing…creating…writing…using our imaginations…and getting outside.
I have many other reasons…some would probably be judged…and some would be praised. I just try and do my best and hope that my kiddos and I will make it through this jungle OK!
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