The Blogfathers

A while back, I wrote a post at Childsplayx2 about a contact I have in the movie industry who gave me some insider tips on how Hollywood was planning on cashing in on the current baby craze in this country. Recently, he introduced me to a friend of a friend of his who told me about how the music industry has taken the opposite stance - babies don’t sell mainstream music. In fact, he says he has personal knowledge that record executives have forced songwriters and performers to change the lyrics of songs that were originally about babies and parenting. Apparently, this has been going on for years but is only now coming to light. For example, did you know that the song Greased Lighting from the movie Grease was originally about the affects of diaper rash cream on a flatulent child? I didn’t either. But here’s a list of other songs that you may have heard of that were forced to change their focus due to concerns that babies don’t sell…

I’ll Do Anything For You (But I Won’t Do That) – Meatloaf
This song was originally about the willingness of a husband to share parenting duties 50/50 across the board (except for that little thing called breast feeding. Oh, and I guess we can throw in that little thing called pushing a bowling ball through a garden hose childbirth as well. After that, definitely 50-50.). He changes his mind however after witnessing a totally un-human-like toxic waste emanating from his child’s bowels after the switch to solid foods had begun.

Baby Got Back – Sir Mixx–A-Lott
Since us men seem to have a fascination with child poop, it goes without saying that Sir Mixx-A-Lott was trying to create a fatherhood anthem with this classic about how his child had the most vile pieces of shit ever seen in the ‘hood. Record executives, however, were not so convinced a song about baby shit would appeal to a vast enough audience. So, the change was made. Incidentally, in a little known fact, the video had to be re-shot to show Sir Mixx-A-Lott sitting on a giant butt rather than a box of Huggies.

Smells Like Teen Spirit – Nirvana
This song was originally titled “Smells like Baby Spit”. The video was to have taken place in an infant daycare with babies spewing all over the place. For some reason, no one bought into this idea and the song was changed. As an aside, few people know that the term “grunge” was coined by Kurt Cobain after being inspired by the dirt-caked hands and face of a three-year-old kid who lived next door. He kept saying, “Did anyone see that grungy kid next door?!” He’s fucking awesome!

This Used To Be My Playground – Madonna
This song was originally titled “This is MY fucking playground (So get off my swing, bitch).” It was inspired by Madonna’s early years when she was bullied at the local school yard for wearing a pointy training bra. Reportedly, the song was changed when the now-adult-bully called her up and threatened to rip off her Kabbalah bracelet and force feed it to her daughter.

U Can’t Touch This – MC Hammer
Like any dad, MC Hammer couldn’t get his kids to stop getting into his electronic equipment. The stereo equipment, the television, the hair clippers - all being touched with slimy, snotty hands. He spent so much time telling his kids, You Can’t Touch This and you can’t touch that, that before he knew it he was wearing parachute pants and big gold chains and singing about Oakland. Kids’ll do that to you.

I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For – U2
This was written after Bono couldn’t find a binky at his mansion when his kid was having a meltdown. He spent hours looking for it while his child sounded like bad reverb on a mike check. Finally, not being able to take it any longer, ran out of the house in tears. Needing a sensitive shoulder to cry on, he chose The Edge and confided in him that the worst part of the ordeal is that he still hasn’t found that damn binky. I hear he’s planning a benefit concert to help find missing binkies everywhere.

Wake Me Up When September Ends – Green Day
This song originally chronicled the trials and tribulations of getting a baby to sleep through the night. Months of false hopes and snotty noses and meowing cats foiled his attempts at a restful night sleep.  Finally, when the baby starts to sleep all night in late August, the father implored not to be awakened until… well, September ends. Duh.

You Shook Me All Night Long – AC/DC
Despite what some may believe, this song was not about sex. In fact it was about a baby throwing the temper tantrum to end all temper tantrums. The walls were shaking and the earth was quaking because this kid had lungs like you wouldn’t believe. All Angus wanted was some sleep and instead he was shaken all night long.

I know the feeling.

Music