Live-blogging from Brooklyn!
Mr. Nice Guy | February 16As I type this, I am sitting in a cafe in Park Slope reading online erotica working, and there are these two women sitting across the cafe from me. One has an infant. The other has a toddler. The woman with the toddler is letting her child run ALL OVER THE CAFE SCREAMING HER UGLY TODDLER FACE OFF.
I may not have a toddler yet, but I am pretty sure what I will not do when my child becomes a toddler. I will not let her run ALL OVER CAFES SCREAMING HER UGLY TODDLER FACE OFF.
This child is climbing on top of tables, knocking salt shakers over. This wretched little girl is running up to the cookie display case and pounding on it, screaming. This feral monkey kid is following one beleaguered waitress around hooting and asking “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” response: “Sweetie, I am cleaning.” “WHY?” “Because the tables need to be cleaned.” “WHY?” “Because they are dirty!” Not said: “Because you keep spilling crap everywhere, you rabid imp.”
Oh for the love of Mike, make her stop!
Mom, meanwhile, is chatting away with her nursing friend, content to have a cafe filled with unwitting babysitters to monitor her monster … even though they’d prefer to kill Mom and her toddler and everyone in their extended family. We’re all exchanging eye-rolls that say “You want to stick them in the espresso machine too, right?” Mom just asked someone at the table next to her for the time and, miraculously, instead of stabbing her to death with the jagged bits of a shattered salt shaker, they gave it to her!
The kid just took her shoes off and plopped them on someone’s table.
The beleaguered waitress just tidied up some of the toddler’s path of destruction. The mom just said “Oh, I was going to do that before we left. Thanks.”
I am filled with a cancerous soul-destroying tar-black sticky rage that I think has just poisoned my left kidney. I need to unplug and leave before committing multiple homicide.
But I am fascinated.
Mom with the infant just packed her baby up and is preparing to leave, hinting mercifully at the fact that mom with the toddler might follow suit (and, dare I dream?, perhaps leave her child behind for us all to spit-roast). Alas, though, mom with the toddler has made no moves to collect her shoeless table-climbing alphabet-shouting salt-spilling maniac kid. Mom looks at her friend, who now has her infant well swaddled and contained, and says “Ah, parenthood.”
Uh, excuse me, ma’am? But I haven’t seen you DO ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY RESEMBLING PARENTING.
Ah! Case in point: Her toddler, whose name I have just learned is Emma and not, in fact, Illness, has just upended the entire contents of a sugar container all over a table.
Mom has just grabbed Emma and said “Oh, we don’t do that. It’s time for us to get going, honey.” She puts Emma down. And, surprise!, Emma runs off to someone else’s table.
OK, Emma has been roped in. Emma is getting her shoes put on. Emma is leaving. Emma is gone.
And me? I am ordering a round of drinks for everyone in the house.
Man. I hate other people’s kids. Not yours, though. Definitely not yours.
I work in a restaurant and people let their kids do all sorts of crazy crap like that all the time. Here i am, with a Large tray full of food, and you are letting your kid tug and push and run around me? I am not as nice as you are, keeping quiet tho…I tell them (in a polite sounding voice) that unless they want their child covered in lots of food and possibly hurt (not to mention one of us), they had better gain control of their child or take them outside. The parents usually get all flustered and mad, but their friends and neighboring tables usually look thrilled.
I was just thinking about other people’s kids. They’re the worst (their parents are technically worse, but less actually annoying).
You know what the worst part of this is? That that woman will be the head of the parents’ organization at your kid’s school in 3 years, and you’ll have to work at the book fair with her. It never fails.
Ok, a friend of mine and I are sitting here laughing over your blog and have decided (since we love Moxie too) that we’d love to have the two of you over for dinner, as we imagine you to be more stimilating conversationalists than our 9 month olds (who are 23 hours apart - did I say we were close friends?). How about Friday? I promise I won’t invite Emma.
Mel.
Oh my God. The horror.
I waited tables for many years and saw lots of lots of this type of ‘non parenting’. We had toddlers almost get wacked by swinging doors and narrowly miss getting doused with hot food and coffee…because no one saw fit to rein them in.
It’s not the waitress’ job to babysit. Yet as gently as one might try to explain that to the blank-eyed mama, it never got through. The restaurant is not a safe place to caterwaul and tumble. Yet as obvious as that might be, it’s never obvious to the besotted parent who thinks their precious angel is just the Cutest Thing Ever when she is sticking her fingers into other people’s lemon cake.
I remember the same black rage you describe, poster. I wanted to smack some of those la-di-da dopes right in the face.
People who can not control their children need to be shot. Or castrated. It’s not that hard. I have a 5 year old and a 3 year old. You do NOT let them get out of their chair in a restaurant. If they do, you discipline them. Even if that means leaving right then and there. I can not stand parents who make empty threats, or worse yet are oblivious to their children.
Former server/former restaurant manager here. Restaurants are very dangerous places cleverly disguised as very comfortable places. There are hot things, sharp things, and litigous people everywhere. If the parents are not willing to manage their children, then the manager should manage his/her dining room. That means neutralizing any source of danger politely and quickly. It’s not very hard. People get very apologetic (usually) when the person in the manager shirt discreetly calls them out on their lax behavior. The server you speak of should not have had to deal with that situation on her own.
This happens nightly at the restuarant where I work! I can’t count how many times I’ve had to take sugar caddies/salt shakers away from kids because their parents won’t. The worst thing ever was when a child puked on the floor in the middle of the dining room and the parents just returned to their table without saying anything to anyone, then watched as I cleaned up the mess. On top of that, they didn’t ever say thank you, and they stiffed me!
It makes me notice and appreciate when well behaved children come into the restaurant. When a child says “please” and “thank you” to me, it makes me want to high five the parent as if to say, “JOB WELL DONE!”
I encounter that sort of child whenever I set foot out of my house. One particular memory that springs to mind was whilst myself and my boyfriend’s family were on a day trip in London, and stopped by the Aquarium.
Now, this kid was about five years old, I think, and looked and was dressed ambiguously; i.e. it could have been either sex.
My God it was everywhere; running around, yelling, barging into people, hammering on the tanks frightening the fish… Of course, mommy and daddy just let it do it, chatting to each other and ignoring the fact that the little sh*t was creating chaos.
At one point it was stood next to us, and after examining all the people’s bags etc with its grubby little hands, was banging continuously on the glass of a tank containing turtles and yelling at the top of its lungs. Once again, no comment from mommy and daddy.
My boyfriend (who has a pathological dislike for small children) had had enough, and said, loudly and with obvious distaste in his voice:
“Bloody hell! Who the Hell does THAT thing belong to??”
Immediately an arm shot out and the child was retrieved.
Later on the same sort of thing happened in the gift shop.
I wasn’t there but my boyfriend’s mother was queuing to pay for something for half an hour (those places are always packed), and mommy and daddy meandered round (NOT queuing) whilst their little darling pulled everything off the shelves, barged into people, yelled and screamed, broke things…
Ugh. I don’t have kids (please don’t hurt me!) so obviously normally I don’t have the right to ‘judge’ any parent full stop, but honestly, surely there must be some limit on how much a kid can act out before the parents take control?
There is…Right?
If parents can’t make their children behave at 3, imagine what they will be like at 13-
The best compliment I have ever received in my life was from a little old lady in a nice restaurant. I had all three children with me.. Their ages at the time were 6, 4 and 1. This lady walked up out of no where and said to me. “you have the best behaved children I have ever seen.” At that moment I thought I just might cry..
Sorry but your monster toddler reminded me of that.
OMG this is one of my all-time peeves! I have 4 children under 4 and I have had people come by our table in restaurants, do a double-take, and say: “I had no idea there were even any kids IN here!”
Like Stacey said, it can be done. It’s called ATTENTIVENESS and DISCIPLINE, or more succinctly: PARENTING.
My method for dealing with other people’s brats (like, what is it with folks who let their nasty kids come up and put their hands on my infant!?), I say in a loud voice: “OH goodness, sweetie! Don’t do that, you might get hurt!”
-Blue
I am also one who disciplined my child in public when she was a toddler. I left full shopping carts in stores only to have to come back later and do it all again, left the park on nice sunny days and lots of other things because she wasn’t acting appropriately in public. She’s 11 now and when she comments about someone else’s kid acting bratty, I tell her what I did when she was that way and she tells me she understands why.
My wife has a friend, or should I say, had a friend. Their son is my oldests age and you can’t go anywhere with them because they allow the little monster to run wild. It is very uncomfortable, the mom is a fun, intelligent person who was fun to be with before her child could walk. Now any time spent in public with her is a nightmare. I want to treat her kid like I treat my kids and you can’t do that. So you have to avoid spending time with them.
Oh, how I feel your pain.
My son’s best friend is not always the most well parented child on the face of the earth, and is rude, disrespectful and inattentive. Quite often, if we go out to eat with his parents, he is under the table, or running around the restaurant. His parents usually only reign him in when our son asks to go do whatever his friend is doing, and we politely, but firmly inform him that we don’t behave like that. Most of the time he doesn’t even ask…..
Case in point as to how dangerous lack of parenting can be, said friend was injured badly enough to require an ER visit because he hit his head on the table while he was runnng around a restaurant.
I feel sorry for kids whose parents are neglectful of them in public. They’re begging for attention from ANYone (even negative attention is better than being ignored). I will give them attention, even if it’s saying, “We really shouldn’t empty all the salt shakers on the table.” I don’t give a rat’s ass if the mother cares. People need to get over themselves and realize that yes, it *does* “take a village”. I remember when I was a kid that I knew my parents would find out if I did something wrong because a neighbor or a teacher would totally tell them. We can’t count on that anymore, but if my kid does something obviously wrong and another adult sees it, I want to know!
Sorry…off my soapbox now. It’s a sore point with me, this “every parent for him/herself” thing.
I used to have a kid like that. We spit roasted her, though. But her picture is still on the mantle and everything so that we can remember the GOOD times.
So where do I claim my Parent of the Year award???
I did have where I came pretty close to Swearing I Would Never Take My Children Out In Public Again. But the truth is I sometimes just need someone to bring me a damn strong marguarita and no one will do that for me at home, so out we go.
I am writing a post today about the ‘free-range-drag-along-then-ignore-as-they-thunder-through-the-parents’-waiting-area-while-you-gossip’ children at the kiddo’s gymnastics school. I was in the corner trying to talk to my dad and one of these feral brats tried to stand behind me and use me as a shield as his future cell mate nearly knocked me over. GRRR.
My husband, 18 month old child and my largely pregnant self were at a cafe recently where we were attacked by two hideous little boys. The first child, probably 7 years old, tackled my daughter onto the concrete floor in order to take a toy phone out of her hand. He lay on top of her growling until my big and scary husband plucked him off of her like the vermin he was. Said miscreant’s parents were of course no where to be found. After that hellacious act of violence, we were visited upon by a yet older child (8 or 9) who was busy going table to table with his stuffed toy cat. At each stop he would say “My cat HATES you.” And then make the cat attack the surprised patron. Future serial killer? Without a doubt. Any adult supervision? No sir, none to be found.
You want to see undisciplined children unleased upon an unsuspecting public? Drop by the public library sometime. Speaking as a librarian, it never ceases to shock me that people simply either let their children roam the stacks or just dump them off because the library is considered to be a safe babysitter. Public libraries get the full spectrum of society. That means homeless people, crazy people, potential child molesters, the works. If you wouldn’t leave your kid at a public bus station to entertain themselves, then don’t leave them alone at the library. Library workers are not babysitters and unless your kid has just broken something or set the place on fire, we don’t ask to see a parent’s ID either. That means we have no idea if that guy leading the eight-year-old out of the library was a relative or some evil stranger offering them candy. And, for the record, if your preteen or teenager has nothing constructive to do after school and you insist on sending them to the library, then for crying out loud at least give us a chain and padlock so we can lash them to the bike rack out front. FYI, your teen or preteen does not view the library as a place to do their homework (hard to believe though that is). It’s a place to be bored, talk loudly, chase each other through the stacks, smear food on the books, deface library property, place earsplitting music so loud the windows rattle, get into fights in the parking lot, and then act surprised when irate library workers appear to throw them out. Don’t get me wrong. If your kids WANT to actually USE the library for its intended purpose, we’re more than happy to see them, help them, and turn them on to the joys o’ literacy. But we’re not the boss of them. You are.
I have no tolerance for that kind of behavior. I was told that would change after I had my kid, but no, it didn’t. It’s almost a form of abuse to withhold correction and permit them to grow into a person no one wants to be around. Very sad.
I live in Chicago and there is a coffee house that has a sign posted that children must behave in the coffee house. A lot of press was give to it last year when a mom of an out of control child complained about the sign!! It made national press. see link below!!
http://www.chicagoreader.com/hottype/2005/051118_1.html
I agree. I agree so wholeheartedly that I have forgotten how to spell or write a cohesive sentence. I stand up and applaud. I bow in your general direction. People of any age who choose to misbehave in public are horrible miscreants, and those who stand by and let them do it are even worse. I’ve been a waitress, and I’m a mom, and I KNOW what can happen, and I know how to prevent it. But you have to be firm, and many parents these days just can’t DO that to their pwecious punkin. And now I shall stop lest I write an entire post about this. Which I’ve already one on my own blog!
If you recall, you once had a friend over who behaved in such a manner as you describe above, only worse as he was older. You, excellent child and wonderful person that you are, said: “you can’t speak that way in this house”. Now that’s parenting. I’m glad tht you respected that, even at a young age.
Does this blog provide a subscription feed?
Oooh. Very funny piece.
We have all been there! Some of us in more than one corner!
My husband always HATED kids in restaurants.
While we were dating (for 13 long years!), if we were ever seated next to any table with people under age 20… P. would just annouce “I am sorry, those children are bothering me. Give us a quieter table.” Prior to any sort of offense by youngsters. Pre-emptive strike. Never mind sweet hubby is about the LOUDEST person in ANY size crowd. He hated kids on principle… Yeah, turned into the world’s most doting papa, of course.
So supreme humiliation — our favorite breakfast restaurant. We had been going there for years, prior to kiddos, took our very dining-out savvy daughter from day one. But the SON. Jeepers, even before he was born he was acting out there. After he showed up, all the regulars started referring to him as “The Screamer”. Oww, oww, oww. But not too much later, kiddo ended up with many fine friends. And lately he has been a bit sickly and dang, those friends have come through.
Well, sometimes, the inattentive parent in the restaurant has WAY bigger and HEAVIER things on their mind… other times they are just FUCKING jerks. Sometimes both! Call them on it and see what develops!